freewrite #2

My other goofy friend on trillian has selected the topic of "heartache".

This is a good topic. Thank god it's not "borneo cat population". Heartache is something I can write about. The thing that keeps coming to mind is a song called "good day" by the dresden dolls. It's really more about getting over heartache than anything, but I really like the way it deals with the subject. The dolls deal with a lot of subjects well. Good day says things like "I took out the trash today and I'm on fire." I like this line so much because I've been through some ugly breakups and it goes very slowly. Most days you go through the whole day sad, and when you don't have time scheduled, you sit in your room with your headphones on. Much like in one of the other Dolls songs. Anyways, I went through an ugly break up, and it was the little things that I did that were so triumphant. It wasn't getting on with my life and graduating and finding a new guy to love me--all of which eventually happened later--but waking up, getting out of bed, and actually working on homework or cooking some rice-a-roni that felt like major ummm... What's the word... Major.... Awesomeness. I'm trying to say that it's always the little stuff you can do for yourself that's important when you're heart is aching. Don't try to conquer the world.
These freewrites always turn out with an audience in mind. I always feel like I am writing to you the imaginary readers out there. Maybe one day I can try to work on my internal voice. My freewrites come out much better when they're private.

remind me again....

why i like this job.

Crisis mode

As you probably know, in my job, I sometimes have to deal with crises. It ranges from "my tooth hurts and I need to go to the dentist now" to "I'm running out of medication today and I forgot to tell you until now" to "I'm upset (and have a history of suicide attempts)". The other night after I spent some crisis time with a client, I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me because, it's not like that's the first time I've dealt with a client in crisis, but I was shaking and I swear my brain took a vacation to Aruba or something. I have been really concerned about this because it's a problem to be panicked during a crisis at all. It makes it difficult to make a decision without someone else telling you what to do. Being branded as someone who can't make decisions isn't the thing you want to be in a field like social work.
So, I have been pondering the problem and what to do about it and was feeling pretty concerned. Until I saw a large bug in my house. I was shaking (and still feel a little unsteady 20 minutes later) and figuring out what to do took every ounce of concentration that I had. I was twice as bad over this stupid bug in my house than I was any crisis I've ever faced with a client.

The situation with the bug made me realize that I am too goddamn panicky, but at least I remain much calmer in situations where a clear head is needed.

weekend plans

my parents are coming up for a week, so I don't know how much I'll be updating over the weekend and the next week. I do have an entry or two stored up for a rainy day, but I dunno how much time i'll have to update other than that.

Freewrite

When I started this blog, I said I might do some freewrites, but I haven't done one yet. Today I think I will do a freewrite on a random topic selected by one of my goofy friends on trillian. For those of you not familiar with the format, a freewrite is a type of writing in which you set a certain amount of time and don't stop writing for that period of time. It's very "stream of consciousness", so I don't know how much sense this will make, but, nonetheless, I will be spewing forth god knows what for the next 5 minutes.

My goofy friend has chosen "Bornea feline population". I honestly know nothing about this other than the fact that Bornea is a country and "feline" means "cat". I like cats a lot. They are cute, but I am very allergic to them. My parents still have the cat I had when I was in high school. He looks like a rabbit. We got him from my friend Melissa. The cat before him got run over by a car. Princess was really sweet and was a tortoise shell. I think tortoise shell cats are awesome and really pretty,--much prettier than calicos. That reminds me: There was a lady once with a kitten on a plane. She had him in a kennel under her seat, and he was tranquilized, I think. However, she took him out during the "walking around" time and kept him in her arms. He was adorable, and the stewardesses all cooed. You know what else coos on airplanes? Babys. Except they more scream than anything. I think that if you have a baby over the age of about 12 months, you should them in a seat next to you. Toddlers do not do well being held in someone's arms. They try to wiggle out and scream when they can't go. Which brings me to another topic: If you have a child of any age, and you are bringing them on an airplane, BRING STUFF FOR THEM TO DO. They will sit much stiller and be much quieter if you do. This also goes for bringing your children to anyplace where they will have to wait a long time or sit a long time--dr's offices, restaurants, etc. Now I'm out of thoughts so I will just talk about chocolate. I love chocolate. Can you believe that I actually got enough material out of this method of writing to do a really cool mixed media art project for someone? It wouldn't seem like it the way this freewrite is going. I just feel like I'm rambling. But now, it's time for me to be done.

Wake up

There's something so positive and glowy and awesome about watching them wake up the shuttle crew. I think space travel is awesomeness, even though I couldn't understand it if I tried. Aside from that, the wake up call is just plain neato because they always play a song and congratulate somebody on something and then the astronauts say "thank you" and everyone is happy. It's just an all around positive thing that happens every day during what must be one of the most physically and mentally difficult jobs out there. They work their assess off all day and night, and then the next morning, they get woken up with a song they like and a nice southern lady saying "good morning discovery". And then they go back to work immediately as she gives them their notes for the next couple hours.

I wish my mornings were like that. A nice happy shiny song, and I hop out of bed and am ready to work within 2 minutes! But my mornings go more like this: Whitey's alarm goes off at 7:00. Five minutes before whitey leaves at 7:50, I realize that I need to get my ass out of bed because I have a meeting at 8:30. I find some clothes, pull my hair back, eat some cereal and make it to the meeting 10 minutes late where I am barely awake enough to comprehend what's going on... And sure as hell no one congratulates me on nothing.

I guess we can add astronaut to the list of things I want to be when I grow up

I'm going fucking crazy

I have issues at any job that I have if I don't have a calendar and write all of my appointments down on it as soon as I'm told when they are. That's easy enough. I have a bigass binder from staples with both a monthly and daily calendar as well as other paperwork I need for work. I shouldn't have any problems, right? WRONG! I write things down on the wrong day. The bad thing is that I *know* that I repeat myself when I'm talking to whomever to make sure I'm getting it down correctly, and somehow I still get stuff on the wrong day. HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT? And, more importantly, WTH do I do about it? My work relies on me to help my clients however they need. I'm not going to be very helpful if I always get people's Dr's appointments on the wrong damn day. Blah, if I can't get this straightened out, I may just have to start working somewhere where the work is the same every damn day, like a call center.

Death isn't always permanent...

...But I wish it was.


When I was about 10 years old my grandfather had surgery and wasn't doing well, but things started looking up, the day before he died. When we got the news about his death, we disrupted everything, and flew to New York, where I spent large parts of the day listening to people's memories of grandpa and the details of the last few days of his life. There was an open casket wake, which I managed to hang out at for about 30 minutes before I got so uncomfortable that my mom had to walk me home. There I spent the evening with the people preparing food and such for the gathering after the wake--a great distraction for a ten year old who's never dealth with death before. The next day there was a long, elaborate funeral with a priest and incense and the whole bit. It was rather dramatic and did nothing to lessen the pit in my stomach. Thank goodness for gatherings with food and my awsome uncle who took me to the arcade countless times. Death is never pleasant to deal with and this was a very emotional time for me. But at the end of it all, I understood that Granpa was never coming back, but that I was lucky to have known him when he was alive.

About three years later came his wife. We disrupted, saw the open casket, did the funeral thing and did the gathering thing. We followed the same procedure for My mom's mother, father and grandmother throughout my high school and college years. It did get a little easier with time, but every time, I was emotional and sad when I had to come to the realization that this was permanent and these dear people were never coming back to me.

One death in particular stands out as having taught me a lesson about the beauty of life and the abruptness with which it can end. In my senior year, I walked into dance one day and the studio owner sat us all down and said "Shannon was in an accident coming down the mountain on her way to dance. She didn't make it." Immediately we had a whole studio of heartbroken girls.

It took a while for the permanance to hit me, but when it did it felt like someone had offset the very balance of nature itself. She was 18 and had just graduated. I was 17 and had just graduated. She was my age and she died. This was, to say the least, mind boggling. I think alot of the girls felt the same way because what followed was a barrage of planning for how we were going to deal with this for the recital which was all of two weeks away and outpourings of emotion and just a virtual whirlwind of... everything.

To have someone your age die when you're young is a serious mindfuck because, at the age of 17, you know everything and only grandmothers die. I think all the girls felt a similar confusion and dysphoria because we weren't sure if we wanted everything to stop or to go on or to go on slightly altered. One of the girls who also happened to teach, performed a solo she had taught to shannon at the recital. The first words out of her mouth were, "I want her solo" when we found out what had happened. There were girls who said things like "Mom, i don't know if i can make it. I'm going to cry in the ballet dance where I'm supposed to hold her hand." Simple choreography became a complex emotional obstacle. Death had never been so painful, so real and so permanent as it was in may of 1995.

Throughout my life people have continued to die, and I have mourned them because even if I didn't know them very well, because those who did had lost someone important forever. Sometimes, they are not lost forever.

The first person who didn't really die was a boy who had gone to my high school and sang in choir with me. Micheal was not my best friend and not really in the crowd I would normally hang out with, but he was a good guy at heart. We never had any heartfelt conversations, but I did have to sit on his knee in show choir once. This was utterly nerve racking experience for me because I have difficulty with physical contact with people I am not dating. He helped me relax, and I always felt a little tiny connection with him because of that moment.

When I was in college Micheal was shot because he happened to be in the house of someone who supposedly stole a cell phone or some such nonsense. His death was stupid and in vain. But, to me, he never died.
I was in college and very busy at the time, and it was not feasible for me to disrupt or do much of anything to mourn his death. I was trying to pass classes, I was rehearsing for a dance job I had gotten, and I was in a long distance relationship. When my mom told me, I just kind of went on about my business and it never really hit. Someone else my age had died, and I barely even noticed.
When I think about high school reunions and seeing my colleagues from choir, Micheal is there just as if he had never really died. In my mind, he is still joking around, smoking weed and dating his high school sweetheart.

The second person whose death wasn't permanent was my husband's grandmother. "Meemaw" was an amazing woman. During the few years I knew her, she was always amiable, gracious, accomodating, patient, principled and stubborn as mule--the perfect combination if you ask me. She cooked for us everytime we visited pensacola. She also often took us out to eat, refusing to accept any money to help pay for the bill. She was the first person to know about our engagement. That was the last time I saw her.

We kept saying we needed to go see her, especially after the wedding, but we never found a time both of us could go. My husband and his mother got to go right after easter, and she at least got to see our wedding pictures. However, meemaw's health was starting to go downhill. I kept sayng that I wanted to go visit her, but not too long after easter, we found out we were moving here. I desperately wanted to see her before we moved, because I knew it would probably be my last chance, but the move just happened too fast.
We moved up here and everything got frantic between finding a place to live and unpacking and getting utilites turned on and getting directv set up and me finding a new job and all those crazy little things that happen when you move.

One day my husband told me that meemaw had died. I continued frantically on. When newscasters talk about hurricanes hitting pensacola, I still think "oh, I hope meemaw's going to be okay". Maybe one day I will finally be heartbroken when we visit florida and I realize that she is not there too cook potatoes for me in her convection oven.

HURRAJ!

http://www.nasa.gov//returntoflight/multimedia/launchday2_gallery.html

Shuttle launch yay!

Remind me why I do my job again...

Obviously I can't post details, but it's 11:30 at night and I just spent an hour an a half with a client. Why do I think this is fun?

On euphemisms

In my "guide for people who read romance novels", I touched on some of the rediculous euphemisms that romance noveslists use for human genitala. Romance novelists are not alone in this quest to call body parts anything other than thier actual name. Pretty much everyone in the states has a name, pet name, or otherwise odd labeling of their and other people's private parts. I have heard people say all of the following instead of vagina: "pink parts", suzie, cha-cha, "bearded clam", fish taco, daisy, cunt, snatch, pussy, cat, kitty, "hatchet wound", purse, "grilled cheese sandwich", love button, love canal, pearl, and others. For "penis" we have: "dick", "peepee", "weewee", " hoo hoo dilly", "Salty sausage", "love pole", "trouser snake", "stick shift", "twig and berries", "meat and two potatoes", willy, "skin flute", "family jewels", "love muscle", shrinkydink, manhood, wiener, banana, and many many others. I could continue with a list for breasts, but I think you get the point.

Doctors and educators often tell us to use correct names for genitalia with our children. I think most people think that this is to help create a more educated sounding populous similarly to those who encourage us not to say "ain't" or "where's my pen at?". However, I would contend that making us not sound like morons is only a tiny part of what us using correct names for genitals is actually intended to do.

When we use names like "suzie" and "weewee", it's because we're for some reason embarrased to say the real thing. Somehow, we in America got the idea that sex is dirty and should not be discussed. We also got the idea that just about everything associated with sex is somehow "naughty" and taboo. When we say things like "peepee" and "daisy" to our children, we send the message not only that the names for their genitals are something that is better off unspoken, but that the genitals themselves are something that is better off not spoken about. Most adults very embarassedly say "well my child was looking at his.... his... you know... his... (whispered) 'jewels'..." Kids pick up on the fact that everyone turns red faced and refuses to use correct terms when talking about genitals, and so they learn the embarassment.

Most people feel that genitals are private and should not be discussed or shown to the general public. I am not going to disagree with this sentiment. However, an inability to talk about your body without a redface and alot of euphemisms not only looks and sounds rediculous, but it can be a hinderance to your adult sex life. Many people can't ask for what they want in bed without turning red and/or using words like "she" "girl parts" and "manhood". By using euphemisms for body parts, we're teaching future generations to be emabarrsed of who they are and what they want. No one should be embarrassed of what they want done to their body when they are a fully consenting adult alone in private with another fully consenting adult.

Something alot of my friends don't know about me...

I thouhgt of something alot of you guys don't know about me... I eat fruit--other than bananas.
When I was around most of my friends, I ate no fruit except bananas and occasionally pineapples if they were in or on something. I now eat raspberries, strawberries, honeydew, watermelon, oranges on occasion, and think fresh pineapple is godly.

I also fucking love the farmer's market here because I can get fresh fruit and veggies. But most of you have heard my gushing over the farmer's market before.

Three things you don't know about me?

My husband did a post about three things that most people didn't know about him. So, I am now trying to follow suit. However, this is ungodly difficult because anyone who's talked to me for more than four conversations knows that I am a dancer, I am a social worker, I wear too much damn glitter, I wear skirts alot, my favorite color is purple, I love chocolate, I play lots of video games, I love to excercise, I shop at thrift stores almost exclusively, I'm allergic to pets, I love to cook, and i'm a little touched in the head. From reading the blog you also know that I watch porn, have read romance novels, wish I could be a music video concept designer, gave my ass to science and recently moved to Idaho from the bible belt.
Let's see... some of you might not know that I used to sing throughout junior high and high school and was acutally pretty good. I got the highest rating (a 4 i think) for one of my junior high solos and the second highest (a 3) for my only high school solo. I was in all city two or three times and all state girls chorus once. In my senior year, I tried out for all state mixed chorus and didn't get in, but decided it was okay because I would've missed the boys to men concert.

Which brings me to something that some people don't know. I liked boys to men and I still do. Do not look at me as if I am evil. Name a genre, and I can name you at least one band/artist I like. Dancing gave me access to an incredible array of music, and I found alot of different styles I liked. I like new and old swing, I like some rock, I like some indy rock, I like alot of math rock, I like some metal, I like classical, I like new age, I like lots of electronica, I like some rap (snoop especially), I like alot of funk, I like blues, I like certain experimental things, and I even get the occasional 80's flashback.

I loved cyndi lauper when I was younger, but what little girl didn't?

I had strawberry shortcake suspenders when I was like 6.
Um... I am grasping at straws because most people already know everything...
Well, that's three things anyways....

Oh yeah, I used to swin on a swim team when I was younger. I was slow as a fucking snail, but I liked swimming.

So um.... there, maybe you guys didn't know some of that stuff.

i'm busy

I haven't been updating much these days and I *think* it has something to do with the new job. I have less free time, and most of my brain power is spent cracking on these cases. In case any of you don't know or have forgotten, I am a social worker. For this particular job, I will be working mostly with adults (to start with anyways) with mental health issues. The way the state of Idaho works, adults have to have specific diagnoses and be more severe than kids. Let me tell you that things like conduct disorder and adhd don't hold a candle to things like paranoid schizophrenia in difficulty. Mind you, conduct disorder means the person has horrendous behavior, but they are generally in touch with the same world we are. Kids who break every fucking rule in the book I can understand in an odd sort of way. It might be like beating your head against a wall to get them to stop, but it really boils down to a kid who doesn't cope well with our world due to various reasons.
People with paranoia live in a world where the simplest thing becomes interpreted in ways you wouldn't believe. It's not like beating your head against a wall to get them to listen to you, it's more like navigating a complex web of laser trips with bombs attatched to them while flying in a VIPIR with no map and a blindfold over your eyes just to get them to feel that you are friendly and not threatening. I had someone be very afraid i didn't like them because I had to go to another appointment. This may not seem completely odd, but under the circumstances it was pretty out in left field.
I shouldn't say anymore about specific clients, but, holy shit does paranoid schizophrenia take the cake on wierd ass things that happen to people's brains.

awsomeness

Okay, I said I wouldn't post alot of random links and I generally don't, but this rocks
http://www.pathguy.com/TimeDead.htm

Dogs, Dogs everywhere...

Everyone in this town has a dog and most of them don't use leashes. It's odd to see a town full of people with dogs walking in front of them. Another frequent odd sight is neighbor dogs hanging out in your yard and walking across the street unhindered by a chain or fence. Most of the people here don't just have dogs, they have BIG dogs. They're not only walking around the neighborhood and in places you would expect to see dogs like parks and walking trails, but lots of people bring their dogs to work. I expect to see the occasional pet in a small, locally owned shop (which is pretty much every shop in town), but I'm more used to seeing cats. Today I went to an assisted living home and the director had her LARGE dog in her office with no leash or other hindering device. The person in the office next to her also had her LARGE dog there at work. This kind of makes sense because a lot of the residents there have their own dogs. But what took the cake today is that someone had their dog in walmart. Mind you, this was a small dog that stayed in the customers' arms and a family of at least three people who was keeping him at bay. Still... A dog in walmart?

Dreams really suck sometimes

I had a dream last night that my mother was going to die within a day and that once she died, the guy I was involved with was going to leave me for another girl. I hate having dreams like this because I wake up and all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and eat comfort food. Anyways, I'll feel better when I get on with my day. I should get ready for work now.

Why do new things always leave me conflicted?

I got a new job and I started Friday. This is really cool. I hated leaving my old job and I am a bitch if I don't have work during the day. I have been miserable and whiney for the last month because I didn't have a job. Now that I have one, I am freaking out because I'm the new girl. I never think that I am worthy of the credit that people give me. My boss doesn't seem worried that he is giving me four difficult cases of adults with diagnoses I have never worked with before. It should tell me something that other people have confidence in me. Somehow it usually fails to do anything but inspire dread and perfectionism. The sad things is that what usually messes me up the most is the fear of messing up. The boss has stated more than once that the people they have working at this place are awesome and somehow they think I fit in to this. One of these days I will learn that I really am not the worst social worker on the face of the planet...
...Probably right before I increase the number of hours in a day.

What do you do when you miss someone and can't get in touch with them?

...You whine about it in your blog. I have so many friends who I am no longer in contact with, many due to my own negligence. This is really stupid, but it seems to be the one mistake I can't learn from. I had lots of friends in high school. I talk to none of them anymore. I kept in touch with a couple for a few years after high school and then decided that I had "outgrown" them.

Then I have others who I would see now and again, get their contact info, and forget to call them for months which turned into years by which point I had lost thier contact info. I miss every last one of them. There are some that I really think "wow, they would totally fit in with the crowd I hang out with now." Some totally wouldn't, but who says all of my friends have to hang out together.

In college I made a geniune attempt to keep in touch with one of my friends, and we did for a while. But then she changed emails and I moved out of the house I was in all at once. She promised to send me snail mail, but I don't know if she did because the person who lived in that house didn't forward all of my mail to me (asshole).

More recently as I changed jobs, etc. I have had opportunities to keept in contact with people. I have even made the effort to make sure to exchange contact information, but I never call them. I always say I'm going to, and I always mean it when I say it. However, when I think about calling them it's the middle of the day when we're both at work and then I forget about it for a couple of weeks. I repeat this sad process until somehow a year has passed and I'm not even sure if the person would remmeber who the hell I was anymore.

Now, we come to another test of my abilities. I have just moved a four days drive away from the whole fucking world, or so it would seem. So far, I have been okay about emailing, im'ing and calling old acquaintances. Maybe this time I can make it stick a little.

To all of you out there who think they've been forgotten by me or who may end up thinking that in the near future: Just know that I remember every last one of you and I miss you all. If only you could see this blog *sigh*.

For the girls...

Alright, not all people who watch porn and use it in it's other forms are men. However, I think there is a higher percentage of women who say "icky! porn is bad!" than there are men. Many women tend to get their fix from romance novels. Why a romance novel is more acceptable than pornographic stories or erotica is completely beyond me. Some romance novels are heavy on the romance and light on the physical stuff. The kind of romance novels my friends and I read in high school, however, were very descriptive about exactly how long someone's tongue was in someone else's mouth and how it felt and how it felt when the girl had a man inside her for the first time and precisly how slowly he had undressed her, etc.
Society as a whole generally accepts romance novels as okay. I generally have no problem with this. Romance novels are really fun to read, but the thing you often don't realize as a virginal high school girl is that, above anything else, they are fantasy. These things are designed to be these amazing wonderful, awsome, "sweep you off your feet" fairytales. They generally depict a somehwat skewed idea of how relationships work and how sex works... So Here's my list for the ladies (or anyone who reads romance novels but does not watch porn)

1. Your love interest will probably not have any body part that could be described as "chiseled".
2. Pursuing "the love of your life" while involved with someone else is not generally a good idea and will not magically work out to be okay.
3. Things will not magically fall into place despite impossible odds because you are "destined to be with" someone.
4. "he" will not always "come to his senses" and choose you over the domineering, money grubbing twat.
5. There is a possibility that you will love more than one person in your lifetime.
6. You are probably not an adorable wisp of a woman with perfect, long, flowing hair. Any guy who can't deal with this isn't worth your time.
7. Calling a male's genitals his "manhood" and a female's genitals her "wet sex" will only get you laughed at.
8. It isn't going to be "heaven" the first time a man "enters you". It will be awkward and it might even hurt a little bit.
9. "Waiting until you're married" is harder than it sounds like it would be. That in no way means you shouldn't do it if that's what you feel is best for you, but know that it may be harder than you expect.
10. If you feel the urge to kiss a stranger you've never seen until 2 seconds ago... Walk away and seek professional help if necessary. Making out with random guys generally results in bad things and not in a life long relationship.
11. "He" will probably not like everything you do in bed. The entire human body is not an un-ticklish, perfectly sensitive erogenous zone. However, this is not a problem so long as he offers suggestions for what he does like instead of putting you down for doing things "wrong". There is no right or wrong way, just ways different people like things.
12. "He" will not automatically know how to "do everything right". Your lover is not anymore psychic than you are. Positive communication is key.
13. Sex is a beautiful thing and it will be a hell of a lot of fun when you're with the right person.

assholes...

Damnit, leave the innocents alone you assholes. I don't understand what the hell you thought you were trying to accomplish by killing a bunch of people on the subways, but how would you like it if we randomly killed your family members? I know you don't like the way certain countries do things, but it makes no sense to kill people that overall have nothing to do with how to country is run. The sad thing is that I realize that we kill innocents too. But it's generally as an unfortunate side effect of war rather than a targeted attack against civilians. It would make more sense to me to bomb g8 to disrupt g8 than to bomb some citizens who have nothing to do with g8, but maybe terrorists are all morons.

Auntie Vo0's guide for people who watch porn but have never had sex before.

OKAY. THIS IS NOT LIGHT MATERIAL. IT TALKS VERY FRANKLY ABOUT SEX AND PORN. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE 18 OR YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN HAS GIVEN YOU PERMISSION.























___________________________________________________________________

Contrary to most mouthy female adults, I will not say that porn movies are evil, degrading to women, a destroyer of marriages or something only depraved men watch. Porn can be a healthy part of anyone's life and can even enhance sexual relationships. The statement "porn is degrading to women" grates on my nerves for several reasons: 1. not only women are in porn movies 2. The people in porn movies fully understand what they're getting themselves into before agreeing to be in the movie. 3. Most people in porn movies are not forced or coerced into being in these movies--it's probably lower than the number of people who are forced or coerced into things in everday life.
Like anything, porn can be misused or misinterpreted. However, porn should not be blamed for problems that have more to do with the person watching the porn than they do the porn itself. Blaming porn for the break up of the marriage is just like blaming the woman your husband was cheating with for the break-up of the marriage.
The problem with porn in relationships comes when there is an addiction, when the people in the relationship disagree on the use of porn, or when the use of porn is concealed from the other partner. Notice that we could easily replace the word "porn" in the previous setence with the word "alcohol" or "drugs" or "food". Relationships are not broken because of porn or food or alcohol but because of someone's choices regarding those things.

However, there is an inherent problem with porn, and that is that porn can set up unrealistic expectations for a sexual encounter. So, I present to you, "Auntie Vo0's guide for people who watch porn but have never had sex before."

1.No, your boobs or your partner's boobs are not going to be "porn star big". Most people enjoy the natural girls better anyways, even if they are a little "small".
2. No, your penis or your partner's penis is not going to be "porn star long". Trust me, your partner won't care, and if they dump you based on your penis size, then they weren't worth your time anyways. Actually, the average person who thinks they want a huge "Ron Jeremy" penis would be in for a rude awakening if they actually got it.... which leads me to #3
3. No, your partner will not be able to fit something half that large into any orifice. The people in these movies have been having sex on camera for a long time. As a result, thier bodies have stretched beyond the amount that a normal person's orifices would stretch.
4. No, neither your or your partner will last that long. Porn stars are porn stars because they have the ability to screw all day long without wearing the hell out. Not to mention, particularly long scenes tend to have cuts in them where the actors got off before they were supposed too, etc.
5. No, arching your back into a "c" shape, pouting your lips, making ridiculous faces, and saying "give it to me" repeatedly are not sexy to anyone in the real world.
6. No, it is not a good idea to ignore safer sex methods or "sanitary sense" when engaging in sexual activity. This could be a whole book unto itself, so I won't go into detail.
7. Yes, you will have fun.
(any additions to the list are welcome. leave them in comments)

This is where I should go into the book about how sex is a special thing and should not be entered into lightly, etc. But that's a really long book. So, I will suffice it to say that most people feel that sex is better in a commited, loving, relationship such as marriage.

I want their job!

OMG there are people at NASA who I am watching on TV who just crashed a rocket into a comet on purpose. How fucking cool is that? I'm ever greatful for nasa TV, because watching that was seriously kickass. Aside from the nifty ass pictures that came through 3 minutes after impact, it was so cool to see and hear all the workers on the team. You could tell they were having a blast. The guy narrating everything even said "I can't believe they pay us to have this much fun." There was celebration like I've never seen in a NASA control room when they confirmed the impact. It was really cool to see a control room full of people standing up and cheering. It was even cooler when you realized they were cheering because they crashed a rocket into something! I want to get paid to crash things! NASA crashed stuff! and got paid! and it will actually help us learn something! I freaking love it.

Why I gave my ass to science.

As you probably know, you can opt to be an organ donor when you get your license in most states. In this state you have to sign a special form that says what you want donated, what types of organizations can use your organs, and some other stuff. There's a series of checkboxes that say "purposes my body cannot be used for: therapy, education, science". If you check all of those boxes, your body goes back to your relatives.

The older I get, the more I feel that traditional burials and even cremation are a waste of resources. When I was little I didn't like the idea of cremation because I didn't want to be burned. As I got older, I realized that this doesn't matter because I am going to be dead. I further realized that burial wastes a good couple of trees and a fuckton of money. So, I went for the idea of cremation and having my ashes spread somewhere interesting. But then someone would have to pay $50 for a cardboard box to be burned with me, which is a waste of money and trees, and $200 for a silver pimp cup to put my ashes in, which is a colossal waste of money if the ashes are just going to get spread somewhere anyways.

So I looked at these checkboxes and thought, "I hate the idea of soemone wasting trees and money just because I died, and hopefully I will outlive any family members who would really like to bury me." My husband wouldn't care about what happened to my body as he's never been a fan of ceremony for the sake of ceremony. The only people who would care are my parents and maybe my dad's sister. Even if I don't outlive them, it's not like they couldn't still have a ceremony honoring me even if there was no body. I'm not a big fan of funerals or ceremonies either, but if it would make the family feel better, then who am I to stop them--I'll be dead anyways. However, I think the best way for someone to honor me whether I am alive or dead is to help others and pass on my knowledge to others. In that spirit, I feel that if some scientists, or students, or whomever can learn something from my body after I'm gone, then why the hell shouldn't I give it to them? I'm all about helping and educating, so why shouldn't I continue the tradition after I'm dead?

So I left the checkboxes blank, thereby giving the students, scientists and residents of Idaho the greatest gift I possibly could: my ass. My dead ass to be precise.

This statement brings to mind hilarious images of Dave Foley showing up at Kevin Mcdonald's door in a grey suit with a silver platter and a big grin on his face saying "I have a very special present for you." "What is it?" Dave would lift the cover and grin insanely and say "it's an ass... A dead person's ass!" hilarity would ensue.

Sadly, I don't think the donation of my ass will be quite so dramatic or humorous, but at least it could help somebody.

Almost...

There's alot of things in life that I almost didn't do, and I look back and go "what would my life be without this?". A Prime example is the dance school I go to now. There are two dance schools in the immediate area I'm in and I went to the first recital and wasn't as impressed as I had hoped to be. So, I wasn't too enthusiastic about the prospect of dancing in this area. There was another school that had a recital a few days later, and I thought about going, but I was tired and didn't want to go out, etc. My husband encouraged me to go, and I came back grinning from ear to ear. I said to myself "I *have* to go here". I was telling my mom excitedly about all of this and she said "do they have adults?". I said "they're about to whether they like it or not."
I've been to about three classes there at this point, and I love it. I wouldn't go anywhere else. I officially learned how to do a layout for the first time in my life tuesday. And it all could've been lost if I had chosen to stay home and assumed that this school was probably about the same as the other school.

The other "almost" that still blows my mind is that my husband and I almost never dated. It was more an issue of circumstance than apathy, but If either one of us had let our other relationships go longer, or listened to reason, then we never would have gotten together. Even if we had gone our seperate ways instead of getting married, I always felt it would have been a shame for us never to have been in a relationship. I think for both of us this relationship has brought us to discover things about ourselves that we never knew, and I would be very different, even if only on the inside, If we had never been as close as we were (and still are). Part of us getting together, though, was our emotional determintation that kicked in once we both realised that we were both single, etc. We still could have failed to get together if there hadn't been some drive within us that said "we have to try this".

I look back at my life, and who I've become, and I see that I'm the product of a variety of experiences, some good some bad, many of which would never have happened if hadn't gotten off the couch or tried something new, or let things go despite meticulous mental objections (i constantly worried about being in another long distance relationship when Whitey and I got together), and I remember that life is a series of choices and the more you choose to get out and do, the better you'll be for it.

holy crap, I live here!

I took these from a walking trail in the city the runs down beside the lake.
this place is gorgeous.