Who are you and what have you done with my mother?

My mother is awesome and has always been awesome. She has a her quirks, like talking too much and being overprotective, but she's always been supportive of me even if what I do isn't her cup of tea. Up until recently, a lot of what I did was not her her cup of tea. She's always been compassionate, so she has no problems with me being a social worker, donating to charity, etc. She started me in dance classes and she even started taking when I was in high school. But mom was never a very "girly" woman. She wasn't a tomboy and didn't go out of her way to look manly, but there was only so much frilliness and decoration she would tolerate. She always wore makeup, but she would never wear much jewelry, and half the time she bought things they would just sit in the jewelry box until she gave them away three years later.
At my cousin's wedding she went to a "girl's day at the spa" with my cousin's fiance and some of my aunts where she got a haircut, massage, manicure and pedicure. When she got home she started talking about buying nail polish and earrings. I'm sure that my expression at the moment I heard this could've been described as nothing but odd and very humorous. This expression was nothing compared to the look I had on my face just now. There's no other way to explain why than to paste the email I just got from my mother:
"What kind or face paint would you use for a butterfly costume- That is what I am for Halloween- Was going to make wings myself- but found cool ones in party city-they also have purple Fairy wings!"

My mother, who has never done anything fancy in her life unless it was for me, has chosen to be a butterfly for Halloween. This leaves me with only one question: What universe were the aliens that abducted my real mother from?

fuck you

Goddamnit I don't care if your life sucks and you were mistreated as a child and you have more problems than you understand, you don't fucking kill yourself. Do you hear me loud and clear?! You selfish bastard take two seconds to stop and think about what doing yourself in is going to do to those around you. If you honestly take two seconds to think about all the people who will miss you, how the hell could you do that to them? You are a asset to the earth. There is something about you that no one else can duplicate or replace. If you leave, the world will be deprived of all the great things you could add to it. How the hell could you intentionally take your uniqueness out of this world? It is the uniqueness of individuals that makes this world the amazing place that it is. Don't deprive the world of you.




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Suicide is fucking serious. If you want to hurt yourself or know someone who does, get help now! Tell a trusted friend, counselor, social worker, teacher, etc. Or call a hotline like 1-800-suicide. Please. I shouldn't have to write this ever again and neither should anyone else.

So I just went to a belly dance class, and it was really fun. I was there because I like to dance. There were alot of people there who were into "energy work" and "healing." It seems that alot of the places I go and alot of the things i'm into involve people into "healing" or having a preist bless their home because there's ghosts in it, or burning sage to "cleanse" a house. I find this odd because, while I am very open and earthy, I have never been into new age, paganism, the supernatural and I haven't been into religion in a long time. It's no secret that I'm somehwat of a hippy, but people who are into "energy work" baffle me. Why is it that you come across this stuff so frequently in the arts an exercise communities (like pilates and yoga). I am a hippy and i appreciate other hippys but i don't get and will never get people who "heal" others.

the perfectionist takes over

I am in charge of Vo0 now and frankly, I don't like what I'm seeing. This body has more extra weight than the last time I was in control and this pathetic girl has had a client ask for another worker. She's also late to everything and turns her paperwork in late all the damn time. How the fuck does she expect to keep a job as a fat, disorganized flighty little cunt. How does she expect to do anything well in life? She doesn't. She wants me to go away and live in ignorant bliss doing everything half-assed for the rest of her life. But I'm going to fix this problem because I know that if you don't do something %150, then you might as well not have done anything. That little wimpy-assed emotional bitch thinks that everythings okay as long as you try your best. Aside from this being complete drivel, I know she doesn't try her best--she only trys her best when it suits her. She stays up until midnight and then is too tired to get to anything on time in the morning. She thinks she's doing "well", but I know no one would keep her sorry ass on a job for much more than 2 months. Dealing with suicidal clients or no, she still has an abundance of bullshit problems that anyone should know how to fix. No self-respecting boos in their right mind wouldn't throw her ass out in the damn rain and tell her to play in traffic. In fact, if things don't shape up soon, she may need to do just that.

quick random update

Things are good. My mother-in-law was here last week and we had a blast. I actually took a day off and we went to bonner's ferry to walk around and then we went two miles outside of dragonla...err Canada to this seriously kickass waterfall. I had a client in crisis over the weekend and I had to take care of that a couple of times. It was no picnic, but it got me up to a good amount of hours considering I only worked half a day monday and not at all on thursday.
I found a kickass jacket thingy at the coldwater creek outlet store, but it was $30 and I don't pay more than $15 for much of anything related to clothing these days (God, I love thrift stores). Today, I spent a rediculous amount of money on a pair of boots http://www.cozyboots.com/ugg-boot.shtml?group=58 and generally took it easy (I had about a 3 hour lunch today). Also, I had pie. Pie is good.

judgement calls suck

I hate making judgement calls. The reason I didn't want to get into child protectice originally was because if I made the wrong judgement call, someone could end up dead. The problem is that you get into the same issue with suicidal/depressed adults. I *hate* trying to decide if I think someone will make it through the night and what sucks is that i've been wrong once already (but the person didn't die). That is the worst goddamn decision to have to make ever.

negativity

I'm looking at my blog entries and realising that most of them lately have been negative. It's not bevause my life is overall negative, or because I feel the need to rain on everyone's parade. Things are mostly good and I'm mostly happy. It's just that my life is many many minor good things combined to make it an overall good. When bad things happen, they're not so minor. In my opinion, talking about major things is more interesting than minor ones. So anyways, Let me not rain on your parade for at least one journal entry and try to come up with some positive things.

I'm doing fabulously well at work and get compliments all the time (particularly on one of the cases I post about alot on here). I love the farmer's market here and I look forward to it every week. I know it sounds silly, but it brightens my morning to go buy fresh veggies and get henna tatoos. We have a craft group at work and I'm getting to teach people how to do jewelry every week. We had a new girl come in and I was one of the people that trained her after being here only 2 months. My mother in law is here and we have been going out to all the good restaurants and cooking yummy food. I also have the day off today so we can take a road trip to look at a waterfall. As much as I love my job, having a day off is an awsome thing. So anyways, everything is mostly good, I am just having alot of anomalous negative annoyances here and there, but it's no biggie 8)

following the rules really hurts sometimes

I have always been a very "lawful good" type of person. I play things by the book as much as possible and I generally feel guilty if I don't. When I was younger, I was also always the one in the group who tattled on everyone (myself included). This is generally a good thing because in my career, you really have to try to go by the book if you want to keep your job and if you want the workplace to be able to keep thier funding. Sometimes this becomes a burden, and sometimes it's a downright pain in the ass.

I have a client, who I am really rooting for and who I really want to do well. She broke a rule. I wanted to ignore it, but there was no way that I could. If anything happened as a result of the broken rule and I hadn't notified anyone, I would've gotten in trouble and possibly in jail. So, I told on her and she was furious with me. I was practically to the point of tears over the fact that I had to say something and she was yelling at me about how unfair I was being and about how everything was my fault. I don't blame her for being upset because 1. I would have too and 2. She has issues that prevent her from seeing things clearly. But nonetheless, the whole situation sucked.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't bound by a code of ethics and I weren't so damn "lawful good". It would sure as fuck make life easier on occasion.

Fate can kiss my ass

Fate you suck. You can go suck an egg for all I care. I hope someone drop kicks you off a bridge.

Fate can seriously be a bitch sometimes. Throughout my life I have met and worked with some remarkable people. What makes me curse fate is things like this:
I know lots of people, obviously. A couple of these people are brilliant. They can reason better and faster than I can. They can pick up on things that I would never notice. The part that pisses me off is the part where their IQ could probably come out in 50-75 range. You see, fate decided that they needed to have mental problems.

I do accept that some people have mental illness and developmental disabilities and things. However, it makes me furious to see certain people weighed down by their problems. I am not exaggerating when I say that if these people hadn't been dealt the hand they were, we would have a couple more brilliant doctors or engineers on this planet.

I am not exactly a stupid gal, but these ladies don't miss a thing. They can run circles around me when it comes to observation and certain types of reasoning. I honestly get humbled in their presence sometimes because of the things they say and do. But, yet I'm the one with the college degree and they'll never be able to have one.

So, I say a great big FUCK YOU to fate for what it arbitrarily does to brilliant and amazing people.

Personalizing

I always personalize at home... If whitey says "could you do the dishes" I always hear "why didn't you do the dished two days ago you lazy whore?", and react accordingly. This is a bad thing as it causes lots of unneccesary arguments and name calling. I have also lately been interpreting eye rolls when I recieve calls from clients after hours as "your job fucking sucks and so do you." Again, not a good thing as it tends to make me either defensive or rediculously clingy ("are you sure you don't hate me?").

I have started personalizing some things at work too. This is very bad and also very odd. I almost never personalize stuff at work and when I do, it's generally not something small. But right now, we have a new worker and she started seeing one of my clients as a way to get my client more socialized and such. My client is more comfortable with her. This bugs me to no end. I just keep thinking that I did something wrong and that my bosses are going to scold me for something. The thing is, I can't see anything I've done wrong.

The only difficult thing that I could potentially be handling wrong is that said client is in crisis right now and the other worker has mostly been dealing with it. I don't want the client to feel that I don't support her. However, She seems to feel alot more comfortable with the other worker as she'll barely even discuss the details of the crisis with me. This bugs me even more. If I really look at it though, what she really needs is to be comfortable, and if this is the way to make that happen, then I just need to let go and realize that some people get along better with certain people.

The only thing I could have done better with her was to see her more often. No one is going to fault me for this because I have a heavy case load. I should try to keep it in mind in the future, however, so that I make sure my clients are all getting the right amount of attention.

I also think this feeling of "doing something wrong" is a part of the normal "work paranoia" I get the first few months on the job. I'm acutally doing pretty good considering this is the first time I've really freaked out that "OMFG I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG". I have a tendency to do that so much in the first few months of a job that I actually hinder my performance. What usually messes me up the most in a job is my fear of not doing things correctly. Given that I'm about 2 months in and it's only hit twice in fairly minor ways, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good. I haven't heard a word of complaint from supervisors, but I'm used to supervisors saving up complaints, so that still makes me a little nervous, but I know if I just ride it out, I'll be fine.

I think that's the biggest lessons in life... When difficulty or uncertainty comes, think is through, but don't excessivley worry. Then just put on some music, relax, and enjoy the ride.