On funerals and religion

Going to funerals generally makes me wonder where the hell our beliefs came from. Where the hell did we get the idea that there's some magical person in the sky who can make everything better? Why is it not okay for us to be the ones who can make things better? I know my way is lonely because I have no magical person to turn to when I am overburdened and no real people will talk to me. However, my way leaves me in charge of my own happiness and direction in life. No one magically guides me through that, and it feels awfully good to know that. I want to know that I am worth something and that the things I do are good. The only way for me to do this is to know that I am independent and can make my own decisions. For me, there is no magical person in the sky who wants me to live a certain way; I do what I do because I know within myself that it is the right thing. My independence is probably one of my most prized possessions, and I never feel right being independent when I think there's someone looking over my shoulder disapproving if I don't do things their way.

Why do most people have to have someone to approve or disapprove their work? Don't we know that what we do is good because it helps ourselves and others? Why can't we accept the gift of free will and the warmth that we feel from doing the right thing without the approval or disapproval of a proverbial omniscient parent?

Furthermore, Why does this whole idea of a god work so well for others and not at all for me? Most people who "pray on" everything and try to "let go and let god" are happy that way and don't feel in any way dependent or put under the microscope. However, somehow, after the age of 20, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of going to church and not feeling inadequate or guilty or dependent. I remember feeling guilty for having and wanting Christmas presents when I was in high school. For most people, things like this are not a conflict, but for me, I can't be in a religion that advocates giving away all of your possessions AND enjoy having a computer and beads and Christmas presents and cake. Even though I have no desire to get back into organized religion, I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll at least be able to understand how my mom lives with herself when she buys nail polish.