As pointed out here , my last couple of blog entries may sound discouraging to those trying to lose weight. My intention is not to discourage people from losing weight, which is why I thought about it and felt that way for at least a couple weeks before I posted it here. There's one reason for me posting this here, but it's twofold: validation-both for me and for other people. It's validating for me because in theory someone out there could see what I'm writing and understand. If I tell my husband or mother that I want to be fat again or I don't like my body they just say things like "you look great and you're just upset because you couldn't find butterfly pants today". This response is extremely well intentioned, but not very validating. Validation for others because I know that I am not the only person who feels this way. Somewhere out there is another woman watching herself change in the mirror going "damn, who is that?" and then wondering what's wrong with her for thinking that way. The truth is that there's nothing wrong with her thinking that way, and it's quite normal. While most people's experience with weight loss does not involve tearful fits ending in "I want to be fat again", it seems quite normal and rational to have a minor identity crisis when your body and your clothes, two things that define a large part of your identity, are changing so fast.
I learned to be comfortable with my body and see myself as attractive no matter how big I was. I was fat and attractive. My body has changed so much since February that Now I'm _____________________ and ________________. Thin and attractive? Gangly and ugly? Thin and one of those people who really looks better fat? Hell if I know. All I know is the image in the mirror has changed so completely that I have to look in the mirror twice before I realize who's body I'm looking at and that all these physical changes have necessitated a new wardrobe.
Most people probably don't kiss their clothes before they put them in the donation bin, but I don't doubt that other people get attached to the things they wear. As I said, this is part of what defines you as a person, not so much because the clothes dictate who you are, but they help transmit to others who you are. Clothes show off both your personality and your body. When your body is changing as much as it does when you lose weight, the clothes no longer show off your body correctly, which then means you need more clothes. Buying more clothes can be a good thing, but it can be really frustrating if the thing that you think speaks of your personality isn't in style or isn't available in your size. Shopping also feels difficult because you can no longer hold up an item of clothing and have any idea how it will look on you or if it will fit, not to mention being between sizes.
I've calmed down since Sunday and have started to realize a few things that help with the "who the hell is that and why does she have ugly clothes?" syndrome, so I thought I'd post them here in case anyone ever reads this and needs a little encouragement.
1.Clothes that fit properly.
To some degree, this goes without saying. If your clothes don't look right, then you don't look right. However, I have a lot of days when I th ink "damn I look terrible" and later, I realize that it's the clothes that are off. Often, they technically fit fine and don't really look all that "off" until I see myself in another similar item of clothing that fits more the way I like it to. For example, I have tight tank tops that I wear to dance. Something tight like that fits for a long damn time. However, if they are not skin tight, I look in the mirror and see either a gangly mess of twigs or a slouchy icky body. If I wear the skin tight shirts, all of a sudden, I think I'm attractive.
2.Diet sweets. These are controversial but I couldn't do it without sweet food, I don't like most fruit, and most fruit I do like is not made out of chocolate.
3. Realizing that chocolate is not the answer to everything.
I get stressed, I eat chocolate. I've always done this. When I'm stressed the chocolate I eat usually consists of a big milkshake, a huge ice cream cone, a multi-layered dessert, a whole candy bar or several pieces of candy. However, there actually was a day where I was craving chocolate ice cream because of stress levels where I occupied my time with something else for an hour or so only to find that my craving was cut in half-- I still wanted the ice cream, but I didn't feel like I was going to die without it.
4. Learning to be patient. After the teary eyed "I want to be fat" on Sunday that was brought on by not finding cool clothes and not being able to eat ice cream, we found a ton of clothes in the last store we went in and I was able to get a banana mango smoothie at Applebees which worked just as well as a sundae as far as I was concerned (on that day anyways). So, in the end, I got what I wanted, but it was really hard to make it through that whole day long enough to get what I wanted without saying "FUCK IT" and eating an ice cream sundae and not stopping until I was 195 pounds again.
Which brings me to something else I would like to talk about. Right now for me, Ice cream is almost as dangerous as heroine to an addict or a gun to someone who's suicidal. No, the ice cream isn't as lethal or damaging to my body as heavy drugs or bullets could ever be, but between life in general and my minor identity crisis, I feel like I've got a lot of problems and I'm in a lot of turmoil and the thing that could fix it all is sitting right in the freezer. This makes it really hard for me to see someone else eating ice cream, which in turn makes it miserable for them because I whine and pout and then they get upset and then I cry and get all kinds of dramatic because between the stress of not being able to eat and the stress of having someone upset with you, I'm about a breath away from walking in to the kitchen filling a bowl to the top with ice cream, pouring some syrup whip cream and sprinkles over it, eating every last bite of it, then licking the bowl clean and not going back on the diet ever again--which kind of scares me. Just like a drug addict, I know deep down that indulging will ruin lots of things I've worked hard for and will disappoint those around me and will make me feel like a failure, but sometimes it just feels like it would fix everything. The hard part is, I'm not sure what to do in this situation. Those around me don't need to be miserable or subjected to my drama because they want to eat ice cream, but I need some way to deal with the way I feel. The only things I have come up with are to go in another room, leave the house, go for a walk, etc. but that could be kind of disrupting to life, so I'm not sure those are the best coping skills for the situation. Anyone got any suggestions for how to handle stressful situations that involve food?
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