yes, i do walk around with a permanent storm cloud over my head.

Goddamnit, son-of-a-bitch, cunt, cunt whore, asshole, bitch BITCH!

*sigh*
okay, I feel better now that I got it out of my system. I promised myself this year that when I did not get past choreography competition prelims I would NOT curse at my mother or treat her like crap, or anyone else for that matter. And when I did not make prelims, I made an annoyed call to my husband to tell him I didn't get in and then whined to mom about how I don't like it when they don't take a full three pieces into the finals in each category. And then I painted a smile--okay maybe not a smile, but a less annoyed look--on my face and went about watching different things and hanging out with mom at the arts festival.

I am still annoyed and I stated that more than once, but I was a good girl and did not treat anyone like crap, curse at my mother, or otherwise act like a baby... Even though I really wanted to.

I would love to win, but that's not why I take dances to choreography competition. That said, I would like a little fucking recognition or at least the chance for a slightly bigger audience (or at least one that isn't all dancers and moms of dancers in the prelims). I have no other outlet for this, and I'm definitely thankful to have one at all, but damnit, sometimes I want to be seen.

I was at least hoping for a "you know I really got what you were saying and i totally agree with you" (from someone other than my mom and her friend), but no such luck this year :/

People wonder why I am so obsessed with Amanda Palmer and other crazy ass performers, and it's partly because they help keep me going. The idea that someone somewhere can do whatever crazy motherfucking thing they want, and not only get away with it, but have a theater full of people eating out of their hand is beautiful. I don't ever expect for this to happen for me and I don't really want to be a star, but it's nice to know that doing whatever insane creative thing comes to mind pays off sometimes.

So, in case you're wondering, yes there will be another display of creative insanity a la vo0 at next year's competition that will probably also get nowhere because I refuse to stop creating and I refuse to do something just because I think it will win.