First of all, fuck you for even thinking about thinking that my gimmicky title is a reference that has been used too many times.
Second of all, fuck death.
We just finished watching deadliest catch and the end of the show was the coast guard looking for 11 people abord a cod fishing boat, finding one dead and seeing nothing else but a bunch of debris. That combined with the tension at work put me in a tearful, reflective, bitchy sort of mood.
The tension at work has to do with the state budget. As is, HIV organizations will not get enough funding from the state to meet federal guidelines for Ryan White matching funds, which means in simple terms that our funding gets cut in half. Which means potentially less ASO's (which could theoretically mean mine getitng shut down) and definitely less funding for medicine/medical care, which translates to people being sick, uncomfortable and dying when it's not necessary. I think that this is what I may be about to have to witness. The state senate was going to pass the budget at last word. In theory they could change it but... I don't have a good feeling about this.
I have mentioned before that this job is where my heart is and that I really care about the clients I see. Here's the thing with this population. They are remarkable. Some with doctorates, some chefs, some social workers, some doctors, some chaplains, some studying to be nurses, some... you get the point. The thing that is hard to realize is exactly what is meant by "AIDS doesn't discriminate" until you meet some of these people. I have clients who are smarter or more interesting or more determined than I ever could think of being, and almost all of them are better at keeping up with their medical care.
In December, we had open house and, at said open house, we had several squares of the AIDS quilt. I stood in that room and balled for 20 minutes on 2 different occasions. It was very clear from the quilts that these people were not dregs or throwaways and that someone cared very deeply for them. Better yet, half of them were younger than me when they died... that's what started the waterworks the first time. I am afraid that we could see this again. We could see beautiful people in pain and dying before thier time again if this funding shit doesn't get straight.
I'm not saying this as a plea or an appeal to you to go do something about it. I'm just telling you how it is. I don't give a shit if you sit on your couch and eat potato chips and let the whole thing happen. I'm telling you my honest feelings. Do or don't do whatever you want to with that. Here's how I feel: I don't want my fucking heart broken and it very well may be. My job may end, and it's an amazing job. My job may not end and I may have clients who were previously happy and healthy walking, hobbling or being wheeled in the door in pain. I may have to say goodbye to a lot more people a lot earlier and I don't fucking want to. It's not fair.
It is in within normal job parameters to have to say goodbye because I work with adults. People die of cancer, they get in car wrecks, shit happens. What I really hope I don't have to see on a regular basis is people in and out of the hospital 6 times with pneumonia, showing up in my office barely able to breathe and then me getting the phone call 2 days later. I've had walking corpses in my office and it's unnerving. Not because I'm not a grown-up and I don't expect these things, but because these are good people and I don't want to see them suffer any more than I would my husband or my mother. Seriously. I am not fucking exaggerating when I say that.
I am known in my circles for being good at being dramatic and making things into something bigger than they are. I am not in the slightest exaggerating how I feel. Hopefully I am exaggerating what will happen if funding doesn't change, but as far as I know, I'm not.
Frustrating Damnit.
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