Goddamnit, son-of-a-bitch, cunt, cunt whore, asshole, bitch BITCH!
*sigh*
okay, I feel better now that I got it out of my system. I promised myself this year that when I did not get past choreography competition prelims I would NOT curse at my mother or treat her like crap, or anyone else for that matter. And when I did not make prelims, I made an annoyed call to my husband to tell him I didn't get in and then whined to mom about how I don't like it when they don't take a full three pieces into the finals in each category. And then I painted a smile--okay maybe not a smile, but a less annoyed look--on my face and went about watching different things and hanging out with mom at the arts festival.
I am still annoyed and I stated that more than once, but I was a good girl and did not treat anyone like crap, curse at my mother, or otherwise act like a baby... Even though I really wanted to.
I would love to win, but that's not why I take dances to choreography competition. That said, I would like a little fucking recognition or at least the chance for a slightly bigger audience (or at least one that isn't all dancers and moms of dancers in the prelims). I have no other outlet for this, and I'm definitely thankful to have one at all, but damnit, sometimes I want to be seen.
I was at least hoping for a "you know I really got what you were saying and i totally agree with you" (from someone other than my mom and her friend), but no such luck this year :/
People wonder why I am so obsessed with Amanda Palmer and other crazy ass performers, and it's partly because they help keep me going. The idea that someone somewhere can do whatever crazy motherfucking thing they want, and not only get away with it, but have a theater full of people eating out of their hand is beautiful. I don't ever expect for this to happen for me and I don't really want to be a star, but it's nice to know that doing whatever insane creative thing comes to mind pays off sometimes.
So, in case you're wondering, yes there will be another display of creative insanity a la vo0 at next year's competition that will probably also get nowhere because I refuse to stop creating and I refuse to do something just because I think it will win.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
sad vo0 in snow (deadliest catch spoilers within)
First of all, fuck you for even thinking about thinking that my gimmicky title is a reference that has been used too many times.
Second of all, fuck death.
We just finished watching deadliest catch and the end of the show was the coast guard looking for 11 people abord a cod fishing boat, finding one dead and seeing nothing else but a bunch of debris. That combined with the tension at work put me in a tearful, reflective, bitchy sort of mood.
The tension at work has to do with the state budget. As is, HIV organizations will not get enough funding from the state to meet federal guidelines for Ryan White matching funds, which means in simple terms that our funding gets cut in half. Which means potentially less ASO's (which could theoretically mean mine getitng shut down) and definitely less funding for medicine/medical care, which translates to people being sick, uncomfortable and dying when it's not necessary. I think that this is what I may be about to have to witness. The state senate was going to pass the budget at last word. In theory they could change it but... I don't have a good feeling about this.
I have mentioned before that this job is where my heart is and that I really care about the clients I see. Here's the thing with this population. They are remarkable. Some with doctorates, some chefs, some social workers, some doctors, some chaplains, some studying to be nurses, some... you get the point. The thing that is hard to realize is exactly what is meant by "AIDS doesn't discriminate" until you meet some of these people. I have clients who are smarter or more interesting or more determined than I ever could think of being, and almost all of them are better at keeping up with their medical care.
In December, we had open house and, at said open house, we had several squares of the AIDS quilt. I stood in that room and balled for 20 minutes on 2 different occasions. It was very clear from the quilts that these people were not dregs or throwaways and that someone cared very deeply for them. Better yet, half of them were younger than me when they died... that's what started the waterworks the first time. I am afraid that we could see this again. We could see beautiful people in pain and dying before thier time again if this funding shit doesn't get straight.
I'm not saying this as a plea or an appeal to you to go do something about it. I'm just telling you how it is. I don't give a shit if you sit on your couch and eat potato chips and let the whole thing happen. I'm telling you my honest feelings. Do or don't do whatever you want to with that. Here's how I feel: I don't want my fucking heart broken and it very well may be. My job may end, and it's an amazing job. My job may not end and I may have clients who were previously happy and healthy walking, hobbling or being wheeled in the door in pain. I may have to say goodbye to a lot more people a lot earlier and I don't fucking want to. It's not fair.
It is in within normal job parameters to have to say goodbye because I work with adults. People die of cancer, they get in car wrecks, shit happens. What I really hope I don't have to see on a regular basis is people in and out of the hospital 6 times with pneumonia, showing up in my office barely able to breathe and then me getting the phone call 2 days later. I've had walking corpses in my office and it's unnerving. Not because I'm not a grown-up and I don't expect these things, but because these are good people and I don't want to see them suffer any more than I would my husband or my mother. Seriously. I am not fucking exaggerating when I say that.
I am known in my circles for being good at being dramatic and making things into something bigger than they are. I am not in the slightest exaggerating how I feel. Hopefully I am exaggerating what will happen if funding doesn't change, but as far as I know, I'm not.
Frustrating Damnit.
Second of all, fuck death.
We just finished watching deadliest catch and the end of the show was the coast guard looking for 11 people abord a cod fishing boat, finding one dead and seeing nothing else but a bunch of debris. That combined with the tension at work put me in a tearful, reflective, bitchy sort of mood.
The tension at work has to do with the state budget. As is, HIV organizations will not get enough funding from the state to meet federal guidelines for Ryan White matching funds, which means in simple terms that our funding gets cut in half. Which means potentially less ASO's (which could theoretically mean mine getitng shut down) and definitely less funding for medicine/medical care, which translates to people being sick, uncomfortable and dying when it's not necessary. I think that this is what I may be about to have to witness. The state senate was going to pass the budget at last word. In theory they could change it but... I don't have a good feeling about this.
I have mentioned before that this job is where my heart is and that I really care about the clients I see. Here's the thing with this population. They are remarkable. Some with doctorates, some chefs, some social workers, some doctors, some chaplains, some studying to be nurses, some... you get the point. The thing that is hard to realize is exactly what is meant by "AIDS doesn't discriminate" until you meet some of these people. I have clients who are smarter or more interesting or more determined than I ever could think of being, and almost all of them are better at keeping up with their medical care.
In December, we had open house and, at said open house, we had several squares of the AIDS quilt. I stood in that room and balled for 20 minutes on 2 different occasions. It was very clear from the quilts that these people were not dregs or throwaways and that someone cared very deeply for them. Better yet, half of them were younger than me when they died... that's what started the waterworks the first time. I am afraid that we could see this again. We could see beautiful people in pain and dying before thier time again if this funding shit doesn't get straight.
I'm not saying this as a plea or an appeal to you to go do something about it. I'm just telling you how it is. I don't give a shit if you sit on your couch and eat potato chips and let the whole thing happen. I'm telling you my honest feelings. Do or don't do whatever you want to with that. Here's how I feel: I don't want my fucking heart broken and it very well may be. My job may end, and it's an amazing job. My job may not end and I may have clients who were previously happy and healthy walking, hobbling or being wheeled in the door in pain. I may have to say goodbye to a lot more people a lot earlier and I don't fucking want to. It's not fair.
It is in within normal job parameters to have to say goodbye because I work with adults. People die of cancer, they get in car wrecks, shit happens. What I really hope I don't have to see on a regular basis is people in and out of the hospital 6 times with pneumonia, showing up in my office barely able to breathe and then me getting the phone call 2 days later. I've had walking corpses in my office and it's unnerving. Not because I'm not a grown-up and I don't expect these things, but because these are good people and I don't want to see them suffer any more than I would my husband or my mother. Seriously. I am not fucking exaggerating when I say that.
I am known in my circles for being good at being dramatic and making things into something bigger than they are. I am not in the slightest exaggerating how I feel. Hopefully I am exaggerating what will happen if funding doesn't change, but as far as I know, I'm not.
Frustrating Damnit.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
seriously?!
Seriously!? are we going to play this game again? How about this, I'll stay out of your bedroom and leave you to have your archaic, stone faced missionary sex, and you stay the hell out of ours. Us sinners can just send you
something from our bedroom so you won't have to come in here. How about that?
something from our bedroom so you won't have to come in here. How about that?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
bands you would miss work for?
My husband and I were discussing music as we often do, especially after the last two shows we went to, and the question came up, "which bands would you miss work for?" By this I mean that you would have to take the whole day off from work and having not previously asked for it off and having no vacation or sick time, and possibly getting in trouble if someone found out you were faking. Which bands/musicians would you do this for? Of course, I forgot my husband's, but I'm pretty sure one of them is the pixies.
Here are mine:
Eatliz
Tilly and The Wall
Muse (although maybe not if it was in an arena or huge venue)
Tori Amos but only of she was in a smaller theater or club--nothing bigger than Alabama theater.
Diana Krall but again with the small theater stipulation
And here's my list of bands I'd lie about having a dr's appt for in order to leave a couple hours early:
-The Dresden Dolls (they would be on the other list if i hadn't seen them twice already)
-Amanda Fucking Palmer (she would also be on the other list if I hadn't seen her and the dolls so much already)
-Daikaiju (yes, after one show, they have this status)
-Silversun Pickups
-Imogen Heap
-Two Ton Boa
-They might be giants (yes, even though i have seen them like 5 or 6 times.)
-Some of None (*sigh*)
-Catawampus Universe (*sigh*)
Tell me yours!
Here are mine:
Eatliz
Tilly and The Wall
Muse (although maybe not if it was in an arena or huge venue)
Tori Amos but only of she was in a smaller theater or club--nothing bigger than Alabama theater.
Diana Krall but again with the small theater stipulation
And here's my list of bands I'd lie about having a dr's appt for in order to leave a couple hours early:
-The Dresden Dolls (they would be on the other list if i hadn't seen them twice already)
-Amanda Fucking Palmer (she would also be on the other list if I hadn't seen her and the dolls so much already)
-Daikaiju (yes, after one show, they have this status)
-Silversun Pickups
-Imogen Heap
-Two Ton Boa
-They might be giants (yes, even though i have seen them like 5 or 6 times.)
-Some of None (*sigh*)
-Catawampus Universe (*sigh*)
Tell me yours!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
WTF?
I don't get it:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
Those are all from professional bakeries. I am COMPLETELY untrained in any way, and I can do better than that. See?
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
Those are all from professional bakeries. I am COMPLETELY untrained in any way, and I can do better than that. See?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)