So, a quick catch up on my life:
I decided that being a nanny made much more sense and have since taken steps to continue my career as a professional nanny. I do still have my social work license and I still look for social work jobs from time to time but it would have to be a damned perfect social work job for a real amount of money (which I almost never see social work jobs offered for) in order to tear me away from wanting to be a nanny. I am worth more than feeling like crap and never feeling good enough and never feeling like I can do enough for my company or for the people I am trying to help. I have never felt even half as stable in ANY job as I do when I nanny.
Right now, however, I am not working as a nanny because the children I was watching are in daycare so as to learn to socialize and get used to school schedules and so forth. I have been looking for a new job since December (and officially unemployed about 2 weeks) and it has been months of me applying for jobs I didn't get any response on, or jobs I get an initial response on but then the parent never contacts me again (or gets banned from the website we were communicating on or something), or jobs that pay barely more than minimum wage, or jobs that seem promising until we talk more and realize that the hours won't work, we wouldn't be a good fit, or something. It's always freaking something.
So, right now, I am unemployed. My day goes like this: Wake up. Put on clothes for no particular reason because I am not going anywhere. Sit down and work on my jewelry blogs or websites. Apply for jobs. Eat lunch while watching an episode of what not to wear or Fullmetal Alchemist. Do some housework. Then hubby comes home.
The days where I get to leave the house, even if it is just to go to the grocery store or run some other mundane errand are the days I LIVE for. So today, I really didn't even want to get out of bed because I'm tired of housework and TV and blogging, but I did because I have a class to go to tonight. Something to look forward to, YAY! So, I got a call about an hour ago that the class was cancelled because not enough people showed up. Is breaking down and losing my mind on the person who calls to re-schedule me appropriate? no? did i? no. IS being upset or crying appropriate? Not according to the rest of the world. It's just a class and you're already re-scheduled, so what's the big deal? Suck it up ya pansy. Things get cancelled all the time.
But this really was the reason I got out of bed this morning. In fact, I am still in my pajamas and may still be wearing the same pajamas this time tomorrow because I have no reason to change out of them. I am unemployed; I have nothing to do and no money to just randomly go do things. So, not getting to go to the one thing you've been looking forward to since the day you became unemployed 2 weeks ago, is kind of a big deal, even if no one else thinks it should be. Wait why does everyone else get to dictate how I feel, oh right, they're my friends and family and potential employers and if I want them not to hate me and leave me, I have to suck it up and paste a smile on my face regardless of how I really feel. Such is life. Life is fucking stupid sometimes.
3 comments:
I have sooooo much I want to say about this post.
First off - I think I understand. I have had periods of my life when I didn't have a job and I couldn't settle on what I wanted to do. Do I do what makes me happy and have no money and no stability OR do I take little to no money to do a job I don't really like but gets me by. Its a dead end and sometimes irritates the shit out of me. I can't say I ever broke that pattern unfortunately, I just have someone to help me now.
Second, you are an excellent person and I am sure an exceptional Nanny. You will find the right parents and children. It just takes time. (Heck, it took me 30 years to find the right husband.) You have given me tons of amazing advice on parenting my two children. If I had realized you were looking so intently for work, I would (and will now) throw you any babysitting jobs you could want because I sure as hell need help and some time off every now and again.
Third, your jewelry is beautiful. I know because even though my sister has made thousands of pieces for me to sell and could make me anything I ask for, I always end up buying something from you. I do craft fairs every month or more and you are always welcome to join me, help me, sell your stuff whatever because I know how much you love it.
Fourth - put your damn clothes on! I can tell you that for the 1st 5 months of Sam's life I stayed in sweatpants with no bra and sometimes didn't brush my teeth. That didn't help anyone. Now I get up every day and get dressed to start my day. I do different things each day so I don't always feel like I'm cleaning and running errands. Sometimes I just spend a day doing fun things that I like to do. My kids need to understand that sometimes we have to do something that makes mommy happy so she doesn't go crazy.
Fifth, I love you. That's all. Just I love you for your quirks and your smarts and your truthfulness and honesty. I love you for your friendship and though we don't see each other all the time, you are important in my life. If you wake up and you feel yucky poo poo :) you call me and see what I am doing and come over. I have all the things you like. I have cute children that love to play and snuggle. I have mounds of arts and crafts. I have yummy food and 300 cook books. I have a smile and a hug waiting and an ear to listen. I have ear plugs for the kids when you need to cuss and yell :)
YOU are going to do amazing things it just takes a few months to find what you want and need.
thank you precious. I managed to get myself out of this rut a little by setting an alarm and making myself get dressed and put on makeup every morning. I'm still a cranky pants and still whiny if I have nowhere to go, but just making myself get out of bed and look nice and try to find something to do has helped a fair amount.
...but i'll call you next time I don't feel like getting out of bed :) or I feel like i need to get out of the house and have nowhere to go :)
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