Sunday, October 30, 2011
Changing Weather
This time of year, the weather changes, the leaves turn, I have to wear a jacket in the morning, and the wind always blows just right through the hole that you left that it chills me to the bone. This time of year, I wake up in the morning and I feel cold and empty and all I want to do is stay under the covers for a month and I don't know why because I know it's nice outside and I know life is beautiful, but then I remember... It really never goes away.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
post wherein i answer why I am writing a post at midnight instead of being in bed like a normal person
Restless.
why?
because I have a job interview monday.
if it makes you restless, why are you doing it?
Any job interview I have will make me restless. I like my bubble with the princess and her baby brother and 2 hours of naptime and plenty of time and energy to do craft shows.
Again? why do it?
I need more money. And, in theory, I should do something more with my life than nanny part time. And, if those things are going to happen, this is one of the places I think I can make them happen.... And that's a rare thing these days.
So, why does that make you restless? It's a good thing.
Yes. But A. see above and B. I have been through this before and keep landing back at daycare and nannying because I keep not being a good fit for jobs or vice versa.
Technically, this is the way shit goes and it shouldn't matter. However, I keep placing my whole being into jobs thinking that this will be the one that will work. And it hasn't. I want a more career oriented job, but nannying keeps me sane unlike any social service job I've ever had ever.
I don't want to give up my awesome job with the awesome children and their awesome parents only to find that I can't fucking do social work regularly without losing my mind or that this place is also an awful fit or something.
I have been calm and happy and much less crazy since I started nannying. I'd like to think I'm "destined" for more than taking care of children, but if I have my wits about me steadily for the first time in many years, then I... have a hard time with the idea of it changing but at the same time, I don't want to stay somewhere just because it's comfortable. I don't want to leave, if it's the best place for me, but I don't want to stay just because I'm comfortable if it's not the best place for me...
So, I'm Restless.
:/
why?
because I have a job interview monday.
if it makes you restless, why are you doing it?
Any job interview I have will make me restless. I like my bubble with the princess and her baby brother and 2 hours of naptime and plenty of time and energy to do craft shows.
Again? why do it?
I need more money. And, in theory, I should do something more with my life than nanny part time. And, if those things are going to happen, this is one of the places I think I can make them happen.... And that's a rare thing these days.
So, why does that make you restless? It's a good thing.
Yes. But A. see above and B. I have been through this before and keep landing back at daycare and nannying because I keep not being a good fit for jobs or vice versa.
Technically, this is the way shit goes and it shouldn't matter. However, I keep placing my whole being into jobs thinking that this will be the one that will work. And it hasn't. I want a more career oriented job, but nannying keeps me sane unlike any social service job I've ever had ever.
I don't want to give up my awesome job with the awesome children and their awesome parents only to find that I can't fucking do social work regularly without losing my mind or that this place is also an awful fit or something.
I have been calm and happy and much less crazy since I started nannying. I'd like to think I'm "destined" for more than taking care of children, but if I have my wits about me steadily for the first time in many years, then I... have a hard time with the idea of it changing but at the same time, I don't want to stay somewhere just because it's comfortable. I don't want to leave, if it's the best place for me, but I don't want to stay just because I'm comfortable if it's not the best place for me...
So, I'm Restless.
:/
Friday, May 6, 2011
i should post something. it's been 5 months.
umm...
I wanted to stay working as a social worker at an AIDS outreach but th ere were some things I just couldn't handle... so I left.
I am now nanny-ing part time and looking for... something full time. But something that hopefully won't drive me crazy or make me want to quit after 3 years.
A bajillian cities in Alabama and a good section of the south was hit by asshole storms that threw tornadoes everywhere. Last week and part of this week I had extra house guests who had no power in their house. I cooked for them a lot and they cooked AWESOME stuff for me!
Today I volunteered at a local agency helping out with whatever random thing needed done for a few hours. It was awesome. My needs for chaos, exercise and feeling helpful were met in one fell swoop (and I ate some excellent home made chocolate fudge that was brought by someone for the hundreds of volunteers).
And now, I'm looking at the facebook page of a man who has been dead almost 5 months. Every time I see his name, I want to look at the page. And every time I look at the page, I am reminded of why I stopped having friends and opening up to people. We were friends but it wasn't deep but somehow there is a hole in my heart the size of the damned grand canyon. It hurts. Being open to people HURTS. It's amazing, but sometimes the pain makes me wonder if it's worth it. It's hard to be open, it's hard to force myself to be sociable enough to make friends, and it's always complicated because I am a tangled mess of emotions and, so often, the people I deem "worthy" are, too. It's so hard just to say hi and have a conversation about random things like music some days and it's so hard to trust that something won't happen and I won't screw up or won't forget them or they won't hate me or leave me, and then... something fucking happens. It's life; it happens. But.
I wanted to stay working as a social worker at an AIDS outreach but th ere were some things I just couldn't handle... so I left.
I am now nanny-ing part time and looking for... something full time. But something that hopefully won't drive me crazy or make me want to quit after 3 years.
A bajillian cities in Alabama and a good section of the south was hit by asshole storms that threw tornadoes everywhere. Last week and part of this week I had extra house guests who had no power in their house. I cooked for them a lot and they cooked AWESOME stuff for me!
Today I volunteered at a local agency helping out with whatever random thing needed done for a few hours. It was awesome. My needs for chaos, exercise and feeling helpful were met in one fell swoop (and I ate some excellent home made chocolate fudge that was brought by someone for the hundreds of volunteers).
And now, I'm looking at the facebook page of a man who has been dead almost 5 months. Every time I see his name, I want to look at the page. And every time I look at the page, I am reminded of why I stopped having friends and opening up to people. We were friends but it wasn't deep but somehow there is a hole in my heart the size of the damned grand canyon. It hurts. Being open to people HURTS. It's amazing, but sometimes the pain makes me wonder if it's worth it. It's hard to be open, it's hard to force myself to be sociable enough to make friends, and it's always complicated because I am a tangled mess of emotions and, so often, the people I deem "worthy" are, too. It's so hard just to say hi and have a conversation about random things like music some days and it's so hard to trust that something won't happen and I won't screw up or won't forget them or they won't hate me or leave me, and then... something fucking happens. It's life; it happens. But.
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