Everyone says I'm too hard on myself, I expect too much of myself, I'm too much of a perfectionist, etc. UNTIL we get to something they want or need a specific way and then I'm just not trying hard enough. Even with good ADHD medication, I can get exhausted just trying to concentrate on one thing. Rest assured that if I am failing at something, I am giving it all I have and have probably tried 15 different methods to not fuck it up. Hell, you can rest assured that if I am making a the tiniest ass minor mistake that I have tried everything I know, other than just blowing my damn brains out, to make it stop. Most days, I feel completely drained just from trying to do normal tasks that anyone else can do in their sleep. Many days, I feel I have Nothing left to give.
I know that typing something without completely jumbling up every word, leaving out capitalization and screwing up the spacing should be easy and isn't an unreasonable expectation for someone to have of me; I know that leaving the house with all the lights off and all the doors locked is a good and normal thing to want; I know that forgetting to document something important is very very bad; I know that forgetting to click "submit" the fourth time results in unpaid bills which can seriously fuck up your month... But in the end, I can't fucking do it. There's no amount of concentration, no method, no magic fairy dust, no medication, no therapist that can make that work for me. I put forth 300% effort and am lucky to get back a 30% return.
I am smart, I care about people, I want to do well, and I could be utterly fucking amazing if I could just do anything even half as well as I intend to. But as it is, I can't. So I am doomed to a life of people getting frustrated with me over mundane shit they could do when they were five which leads to arguments, conflicts at work, frustration, dogs and cat living together... no wait, this actually really sucks. Fuck Humor.
I am doomed to repeat a cycle of finding a job, working my ass off to adjust, ultimately not being able to be what they need and then either getting fired or quitting before I get fired, Over and Over and Over and Over. I am doomed to disappoint people, forget anniversaries, lose important shit, lose touch with friends because I forget to call them for two years, forget to pay bills and generally frustrate those around me.
I want help and people try to help me, but eventually we get back around to "just do it. try harder." Really? you expect me to expend the kind of energy I do, drain myself the fuck out every day, bang my head against the wall for hours at a time, and the best advice you can give me is "you're not trying hard enough"? Fuck You. Oh wait, I care about you and what you think... So now we're back to square one.
*sigh*
