 | You scored as Simon Tam. The Doctor. You have a gift for healing that goes beyond education. You took an oath to do no harm, even when your patients have tried to kill you. You are out of place where you are, being used to refined society. However, if you take that stick out of your arse you should be fine.
Which Serenity character are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
serenity quiz
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
Perfectionism
While my earlier post on perfection was somewhat done jokingly, I really do feel like that some days. It really feels like I'm being consumed by guilt and self-hatred for not having done the smallest of things correctly.
I always struggle with perfectionism, and I feel like I have done well in my job up until now. I am still mostly doing okay, but some day I a m going to burst into tears, walk into the office, and tell them "I fucking quit because I am a worthless social worker" over the fact that I didn't have time to take a client to wal-mart when they really wanted to go. This example is only slightly exaggerated.
I have an extremely difficult time with the idea that I actually know my stuff and am a good social worker. I have a very difficult time with the fact that I am not going to fulfill everyone's needs, make all the impulsive clients see the error of their ways, make it to meetings on time and get all my notes in on time with every single I dotted and t crossed. It doesn't fucking happen. No one can do this. Yet, I want to go absolutely ballistic if even one of these things is wrong. Why? Who the hell knows?
The best answer I can come up with is "because I'm imperfect." It's funny to think that perfectionism in and of itself makes someone imperfect, but I think it's true. I absolutely believe that perfectionism is a problem to be overcome and not an ideal lifestyle. How funny is that that perfectionism by it's very nature makes you imperfect?
Isn't it ironic... Don't you think?
I always struggle with perfectionism, and I feel like I have done well in my job up until now. I am still mostly doing okay, but some day I a m going to burst into tears, walk into the office, and tell them "I fucking quit because I am a worthless social worker" over the fact that I didn't have time to take a client to wal-mart when they really wanted to go. This example is only slightly exaggerated.
I have an extremely difficult time with the idea that I actually know my stuff and am a good social worker. I have a very difficult time with the fact that I am not going to fulfill everyone's needs, make all the impulsive clients see the error of their ways, make it to meetings on time and get all my notes in on time with every single I dotted and t crossed. It doesn't fucking happen. No one can do this. Yet, I want to go absolutely ballistic if even one of these things is wrong. Why? Who the hell knows?
The best answer I can come up with is "because I'm imperfect." It's funny to think that perfectionism in and of itself makes someone imperfect, but I think it's true. I absolutely believe that perfectionism is a problem to be overcome and not an ideal lifestyle. How funny is that that perfectionism by it's very nature makes you imperfect?
Isn't it ironic... Don't you think?
On funerals and religion
Going to funerals generally makes me wonder where the hell our beliefs came from. Where the hell did we get the idea that there's some magical person in the sky who can make everything better? Why is it not okay for us to be the ones who can make things better? I know my way is lonely because I have no magical person to turn to when I am overburdened and no real people will talk to me. However, my way leaves me in charge of my own happiness and direction in life. No one magically guides me through that, and it feels awfully good to know that. I want to know that I am worth something and that the things I do are good. The only way for me to do this is to know that I am independent and can make my own decisions. For me, there is no magical person in the sky who wants me to live a certain way; I do what I do because I know within myself that it is the right thing. My independence is probably one of my most prized possessions, and I never feel right being independent when I think there's someone looking over my shoulder disapproving if I don't do things their way.
Why do most people have to have someone to approve or disapprove their work? Don't we know that what we do is good because it helps ourselves and others? Why can't we accept the gift of free will and the warmth that we feel from doing the right thing without the approval or disapproval of a proverbial omniscient parent?
Furthermore, Why does this whole idea of a god work so well for others and not at all for me? Most people who "pray on" everything and try to "let go and let god" are happy that way and don't feel in any way dependent or put under the microscope. However, somehow, after the age of 20, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of going to church and not feeling inadequate or guilty or dependent. I remember feeling guilty for having and wanting Christmas presents when I was in high school. For most people, things like this are not a conflict, but for me, I can't be in a religion that advocates giving away all of your possessions AND enjoy having a computer and beads and Christmas presents and cake. Even though I have no desire to get back into organized religion, I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll at least be able to understand how my mom lives with herself when she buys nail polish.
Why do most people have to have someone to approve or disapprove their work? Don't we know that what we do is good because it helps ourselves and others? Why can't we accept the gift of free will and the warmth that we feel from doing the right thing without the approval or disapproval of a proverbial omniscient parent?
Furthermore, Why does this whole idea of a god work so well for others and not at all for me? Most people who "pray on" everything and try to "let go and let god" are happy that way and don't feel in any way dependent or put under the microscope. However, somehow, after the age of 20, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of going to church and not feeling inadequate or guilty or dependent. I remember feeling guilty for having and wanting Christmas presents when I was in high school. For most people, things like this are not a conflict, but for me, I can't be in a religion that advocates giving away all of your possessions AND enjoy having a computer and beads and Christmas presents and cake. Even though I have no desire to get back into organized religion, I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll at least be able to understand how my mom lives with herself when she buys nail polish.
DAMN YOU
damn you damn you damnyoudamnyoudamnyoudamnyou DAMN YOU!
Damn you for making me write a "final note" on you that says you committed suicide. DAMN YOU GODDAMNIT.
Damn you for making me write a "final note" on you that says you committed suicide. DAMN YOU GODDAMNIT.
Saturday, October 1, 2005
Revelation
After re-reading my previous post and reflecting on some other things my mother told me, I have come to a revelation.
The reason my mother is suddenly "decorative" and "frilly" is that for 50someodd years of her life, my mother never felt pretty. It's sad to think that such a wonderful woman thought for all of her life that she was not an attractive woman. For fifty years, my mother looked at her pictures, new and old, and did not see someone particularly worth looking at. She said she always wondered why I was so pretty in high school because she was so ugly. One night, she had to do some work for a nutrition class where they talked about their body image and self esteem. She said that lesson was very hard, but during it, she chose to look at her high school pictures again. She said that some of them were dorky because of her clothing or glasses but when she looked this time, she did not see an ugly girl.
I'm afraid I did not help in my mother's journey throughout her life. I remember telling her she was fat several times when I was little (she probably weighed less than I do now) and I never really saw her as a pretty lady, nor treated her as such. This is such a shame because it prevented her from learning a lesson I learned when I was 25 until she was 50: Everyone is pretty and sexy in their own way. I remember when a friend of mine told me this when I was about 22 and I told him he was crazy and that I would never be sexy. I came to realize that he was right and that everyone has something attractive about themselves. I think it's sad that my mother never realized this until now.
As a social worker, I work with people of all ages, shapes, sizes, genders, races, etc. and pretty much every one I can remember a moment, where I said to myself "WOW... how beautiful". There's beauty in everyone and I'm glad my mother finally found hers.
The reason my mother is suddenly "decorative" and "frilly" is that for 50someodd years of her life, my mother never felt pretty. It's sad to think that such a wonderful woman thought for all of her life that she was not an attractive woman. For fifty years, my mother looked at her pictures, new and old, and did not see someone particularly worth looking at. She said she always wondered why I was so pretty in high school because she was so ugly. One night, she had to do some work for a nutrition class where they talked about their body image and self esteem. She said that lesson was very hard, but during it, she chose to look at her high school pictures again. She said that some of them were dorky because of her clothing or glasses but when she looked this time, she did not see an ugly girl.
I'm afraid I did not help in my mother's journey throughout her life. I remember telling her she was fat several times when I was little (she probably weighed less than I do now) and I never really saw her as a pretty lady, nor treated her as such. This is such a shame because it prevented her from learning a lesson I learned when I was 25 until she was 50: Everyone is pretty and sexy in their own way. I remember when a friend of mine told me this when I was about 22 and I told him he was crazy and that I would never be sexy. I came to realize that he was right and that everyone has something attractive about themselves. I think it's sad that my mother never realized this until now.
As a social worker, I work with people of all ages, shapes, sizes, genders, races, etc. and pretty much every one I can remember a moment, where I said to myself "WOW... how beautiful". There's beauty in everyone and I'm glad my mother finally found hers.
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