Alright, not all people who watch porn and use it in it's other forms are men. However, I think there is a higher percentage of women who say "icky! porn is bad!" than there are men. Many women tend to get their fix from romance novels. Why a romance novel is more acceptable than pornographic stories or erotica is completely beyond me. Some romance novels are heavy on the romance and light on the physical stuff. The kind of romance novels my friends and I read in high school, however, were very descriptive about exactly how long someone's tongue was in someone else's mouth and how it felt and how it felt when the girl had a man inside her for the first time and precisly how slowly he had undressed her, etc.
Society as a whole generally accepts romance novels as okay. I generally have no problem with this. Romance novels are really fun to read, but the thing you often don't realize as a virginal high school girl is that, above anything else, they are fantasy. These things are designed to be these amazing wonderful, awsome, "sweep you off your feet" fairytales. They generally depict a somehwat skewed idea of how relationships work and how sex works... So Here's my list for the ladies (or anyone who reads romance novels but does not watch porn)
1. Your love interest will probably not have any body part that could be described as "chiseled".
2. Pursuing "the love of your life" while involved with someone else is not generally a good idea and will not magically work out to be okay.
3. Things will not magically fall into place despite impossible odds because you are "destined to be with" someone.
4. "he" will not always "come to his senses" and choose you over the domineering, money grubbing twat.
5. There is a possibility that you will love more than one person in your lifetime.
6. You are probably not an adorable wisp of a woman with perfect, long, flowing hair. Any guy who can't deal with this isn't worth your time.
7. Calling a male's genitals his "manhood" and a female's genitals her "wet sex" will only get you laughed at.
8. It isn't going to be "heaven" the first time a man "enters you". It will be awkward and it might even hurt a little bit.
9. "Waiting until you're married" is harder than it sounds like it would be. That in no way means you shouldn't do it if that's what you feel is best for you, but know that it may be harder than you expect.
10. If you feel the urge to kiss a stranger you've never seen until 2 seconds ago... Walk away and seek professional help if necessary. Making out with random guys generally results in bad things and not in a life long relationship.
11. "He" will probably not like everything you do in bed. The entire human body is not an un-ticklish, perfectly sensitive erogenous zone. However, this is not a problem so long as he offers suggestions for what he does like instead of putting you down for doing things "wrong". There is no right or wrong way, just ways different people like things.
12. "He" will not automatically know how to "do everything right". Your lover is not anymore psychic than you are. Positive communication is key.
13. Sex is a beautiful thing and it will be a hell of a lot of fun when you're with the right person.
Friday, July 8, 2005
Thursday, July 7, 2005
assholes...
Damnit, leave the innocents alone you assholes. I don't understand what the hell you thought you were trying to accomplish by killing a bunch of people on the subways, but how would you like it if we randomly killed your family members? I know you don't like the way certain countries do things, but it makes no sense to kill people that overall have nothing to do with how to country is run. The sad thing is that I realize that we kill innocents too. But it's generally as an unfortunate side effect of war rather than a targeted attack against civilians. It would make more sense to me to bomb g8 to disrupt g8 than to bomb some citizens who have nothing to do with g8, but maybe terrorists are all morons.
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
Auntie Vo0's guide for people who watch porn but have never had sex before.
OKAY. THIS IS NOT LIGHT MATERIAL. IT TALKS VERY FRANKLY ABOUT SEX AND PORN. PLEASE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE 18 OR YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN HAS GIVEN YOU PERMISSION.
___________________________________________________________________
Contrary to most mouthy female adults, I will not say that porn movies are evil, degrading to women, a destroyer of marriages or something only depraved men watch. Porn can be a healthy part of anyone's life and can even enhance sexual relationships. The statement "porn is degrading to women" grates on my nerves for several reasons: 1. not only women are in porn movies 2. The people in porn movies fully understand what they're getting themselves into before agreeing to be in the movie. 3. Most people in porn movies are not forced or coerced into being in these movies--it's probably lower than the number of people who are forced or coerced into things in everday life.
Like anything, porn can be misused or misinterpreted. However, porn should not be blamed for problems that have more to do with the person watching the porn than they do the porn itself. Blaming porn for the break up of the marriage is just like blaming the woman your husband was cheating with for the break-up of the marriage.
The problem with porn in relationships comes when there is an addiction, when the people in the relationship disagree on the use of porn, or when the use of porn is concealed from the other partner. Notice that we could easily replace the word "porn" in the previous setence with the word "alcohol" or "drugs" or "food". Relationships are not broken because of porn or food or alcohol but because of someone's choices regarding those things.
However, there is an inherent problem with porn, and that is that porn can set up unrealistic expectations for a sexual encounter. So, I present to you, "Auntie Vo0's guide for people who watch porn but have never had sex before."
1.No, your boobs or your partner's boobs are not going to be "porn star big". Most people enjoy the natural girls better anyways, even if they are a little "small".
2. No, your penis or your partner's penis is not going to be "porn star long". Trust me, your partner won't care, and if they dump you based on your penis size, then they weren't worth your time anyways. Actually, the average person who thinks they want a huge "Ron Jeremy" penis would be in for a rude awakening if they actually got it.... which leads me to #3
3. No, your partner will not be able to fit something half that large into any orifice. The people in these movies have been having sex on camera for a long time. As a result, thier bodies have stretched beyond the amount that a normal person's orifices would stretch.
4. No, neither your or your partner will last that long. Porn stars are porn stars because they have the ability to screw all day long without wearing the hell out. Not to mention, particularly long scenes tend to have cuts in them where the actors got off before they were supposed too, etc.
5. No, arching your back into a "c" shape, pouting your lips, making ridiculous faces, and saying "give it to me" repeatedly are not sexy to anyone in the real world.
6. No, it is not a good idea to ignore safer sex methods or "sanitary sense" when engaging in sexual activity. This could be a whole book unto itself, so I won't go into detail.
7. Yes, you will have fun.
(any additions to the list are welcome. leave them in comments)
This is where I should go into the book about how sex is a special thing and should not be entered into lightly, etc. But that's a really long book. So, I will suffice it to say that most people feel that sex is better in a commited, loving, relationship such as marriage.
___________________________________________________________________
Contrary to most mouthy female adults, I will not say that porn movies are evil, degrading to women, a destroyer of marriages or something only depraved men watch. Porn can be a healthy part of anyone's life and can even enhance sexual relationships. The statement "porn is degrading to women" grates on my nerves for several reasons: 1. not only women are in porn movies 2. The people in porn movies fully understand what they're getting themselves into before agreeing to be in the movie. 3. Most people in porn movies are not forced or coerced into being in these movies--it's probably lower than the number of people who are forced or coerced into things in everday life.
Like anything, porn can be misused or misinterpreted. However, porn should not be blamed for problems that have more to do with the person watching the porn than they do the porn itself. Blaming porn for the break up of the marriage is just like blaming the woman your husband was cheating with for the break-up of the marriage.
The problem with porn in relationships comes when there is an addiction, when the people in the relationship disagree on the use of porn, or when the use of porn is concealed from the other partner. Notice that we could easily replace the word "porn" in the previous setence with the word "alcohol" or "drugs" or "food". Relationships are not broken because of porn or food or alcohol but because of someone's choices regarding those things.
However, there is an inherent problem with porn, and that is that porn can set up unrealistic expectations for a sexual encounter. So, I present to you, "Auntie Vo0's guide for people who watch porn but have never had sex before."
1.No, your boobs or your partner's boobs are not going to be "porn star big". Most people enjoy the natural girls better anyways, even if they are a little "small".
2. No, your penis or your partner's penis is not going to be "porn star long". Trust me, your partner won't care, and if they dump you based on your penis size, then they weren't worth your time anyways. Actually, the average person who thinks they want a huge "Ron Jeremy" penis would be in for a rude awakening if they actually got it.... which leads me to #3
3. No, your partner will not be able to fit something half that large into any orifice. The people in these movies have been having sex on camera for a long time. As a result, thier bodies have stretched beyond the amount that a normal person's orifices would stretch.
4. No, neither your or your partner will last that long. Porn stars are porn stars because they have the ability to screw all day long without wearing the hell out. Not to mention, particularly long scenes tend to have cuts in them where the actors got off before they were supposed too, etc.
5. No, arching your back into a "c" shape, pouting your lips, making ridiculous faces, and saying "give it to me" repeatedly are not sexy to anyone in the real world.
6. No, it is not a good idea to ignore safer sex methods or "sanitary sense" when engaging in sexual activity. This could be a whole book unto itself, so I won't go into detail.
7. Yes, you will have fun.
(any additions to the list are welcome. leave them in comments)
This is where I should go into the book about how sex is a special thing and should not be entered into lightly, etc. But that's a really long book. So, I will suffice it to say that most people feel that sex is better in a commited, loving, relationship such as marriage.
Monday, July 4, 2005
I want their job!
OMG there are people at NASA who I am watching on TV who just crashed a rocket into a comet on purpose. How fucking cool is that? I'm ever greatful for nasa TV, because watching that was seriously kickass. Aside from the nifty ass pictures that came through 3 minutes after impact, it was so cool to see and hear all the workers on the team. You could tell they were having a blast. The guy narrating everything even said "I can't believe they pay us to have this much fun." There was celebration like I've never seen in a NASA control room when they confirmed the impact. It was really cool to see a control room full of people standing up and cheering. It was even cooler when you realized they were cheering because they crashed a rocket into something! I want to get paid to crash things! NASA crashed stuff! and got paid! and it will actually help us learn something! I freaking love it.
Friday, July 1, 2005
Why I gave my ass to science.
As you probably know, you can opt to be an organ donor when you get your license in most states. In this state you have to sign a special form that says what you want donated, what types of organizations can use your organs, and some other stuff. There's a series of checkboxes that say "purposes my body cannot be used for: therapy, education, science". If you check all of those boxes, your body goes back to your relatives.
The older I get, the more I feel that traditional burials and even cremation are a waste of resources. When I was little I didn't like the idea of cremation because I didn't want to be burned. As I got older, I realized that this doesn't matter because I am going to be dead. I further realized that burial wastes a good couple of trees and a fuckton of money. So, I went for the idea of cremation and having my ashes spread somewhere interesting. But then someone would have to pay $50 for a cardboard box to be burned with me, which is a waste of money and trees, and $200 for a silver pimp cup to put my ashes in, which is a colossal waste of money if the ashes are just going to get spread somewhere anyways.
So I looked at these checkboxes and thought, "I hate the idea of soemone wasting trees and money just because I died, and hopefully I will outlive any family members who would really like to bury me." My husband wouldn't care about what happened to my body as he's never been a fan of ceremony for the sake of ceremony. The only people who would care are my parents and maybe my dad's sister. Even if I don't outlive them, it's not like they couldn't still have a ceremony honoring me even if there was no body. I'm not a big fan of funerals or ceremonies either, but if it would make the family feel better, then who am I to stop them--I'll be dead anyways. However, I think the best way for someone to honor me whether I am alive or dead is to help others and pass on my knowledge to others. In that spirit, I feel that if some scientists, or students, or whomever can learn something from my body after I'm gone, then why the hell shouldn't I give it to them? I'm all about helping and educating, so why shouldn't I continue the tradition after I'm dead?
So I left the checkboxes blank, thereby giving the students, scientists and residents of Idaho the greatest gift I possibly could: my ass. My dead ass to be precise.
This statement brings to mind hilarious images of Dave Foley showing up at Kevin Mcdonald's door in a grey suit with a silver platter and a big grin on his face saying "I have a very special present for you." "What is it?" Dave would lift the cover and grin insanely and say "it's an ass... A dead person's ass!" hilarity would ensue.
Sadly, I don't think the donation of my ass will be quite so dramatic or humorous, but at least it could help somebody.
The older I get, the more I feel that traditional burials and even cremation are a waste of resources. When I was little I didn't like the idea of cremation because I didn't want to be burned. As I got older, I realized that this doesn't matter because I am going to be dead. I further realized that burial wastes a good couple of trees and a fuckton of money. So, I went for the idea of cremation and having my ashes spread somewhere interesting. But then someone would have to pay $50 for a cardboard box to be burned with me, which is a waste of money and trees, and $200 for a silver pimp cup to put my ashes in, which is a colossal waste of money if the ashes are just going to get spread somewhere anyways.
So I looked at these checkboxes and thought, "I hate the idea of soemone wasting trees and money just because I died, and hopefully I will outlive any family members who would really like to bury me." My husband wouldn't care about what happened to my body as he's never been a fan of ceremony for the sake of ceremony. The only people who would care are my parents and maybe my dad's sister. Even if I don't outlive them, it's not like they couldn't still have a ceremony honoring me even if there was no body. I'm not a big fan of funerals or ceremonies either, but if it would make the family feel better, then who am I to stop them--I'll be dead anyways. However, I think the best way for someone to honor me whether I am alive or dead is to help others and pass on my knowledge to others. In that spirit, I feel that if some scientists, or students, or whomever can learn something from my body after I'm gone, then why the hell shouldn't I give it to them? I'm all about helping and educating, so why shouldn't I continue the tradition after I'm dead?
So I left the checkboxes blank, thereby giving the students, scientists and residents of Idaho the greatest gift I possibly could: my ass. My dead ass to be precise.
This statement brings to mind hilarious images of Dave Foley showing up at Kevin Mcdonald's door in a grey suit with a silver platter and a big grin on his face saying "I have a very special present for you." "What is it?" Dave would lift the cover and grin insanely and say "it's an ass... A dead person's ass!" hilarity would ensue.
Sadly, I don't think the donation of my ass will be quite so dramatic or humorous, but at least it could help somebody.
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