Slaqp a smile on your face and pretend it's not a big deal because it's not a big deal to me.

So, a quick catch up on my life:
I decided that being a nanny made much more sense and have since taken steps to continue my career as a professional nanny. I do still have my social work license and I still look for social work jobs from time to time but it would have to be a damned perfect social work job for a real amount of money (which I almost never see social work jobs offered for) in order to tear me away from wanting to be a nanny.  I am worth more than feeling like crap and never feeling good enough and never feeling like I can do enough for my company or for the people I am trying to help.  I have never felt even half as stable in ANY job as I do when I nanny.
Right now, however, I am not working as a nanny because the children I was watching are in daycare so as to learn to socialize and get used to school schedules and so forth. I have been looking for a new job since December (and officially unemployed about 2 weeks) and it has been months of me applying for jobs I didn't get any response on, or jobs I get an initial response on but then the parent never contacts me again (or gets banned from the website we were communicating on or something), or jobs that pay barely more than minimum wage, or jobs that seem promising until we talk more and realize that the hours won't work, we wouldn't be a good fit, or something. It's always freaking something.

So, right now, I am unemployed.  My day goes like this:  Wake up.  Put on clothes for no particular reason because I am not going anywhere. Sit down and work on my jewelry blogs or websites.  Apply for jobs.  Eat lunch while watching an episode of what not to wear or Fullmetal Alchemist.  Do some housework. Then hubby comes home. 
The days where I get to leave the house, even if it is just to go to the grocery store or run some other mundane errand are the days I LIVE for.  So today, I really didn't even want to get out of bed because I'm tired of housework and TV and blogging, but I did because I have a class to go to tonight.  Something to look forward to, YAY!  So, I got a call about an hour ago that the class was cancelled because not enough people showed up.  Is breaking down and losing my mind on the person who calls to re-schedule me appropriate? no?  did i? no. IS being upset or crying appropriate? Not according to the rest of the world.  It's just a class and you're already re-scheduled, so what's the big deal? Suck it up ya pansy. Things get cancelled all the time.
But this really was the reason I got out of bed this morning.  In fact, I am still in my pajamas and may still be wearing the same pajamas this time tomorrow because I have no reason to change out of them.  I am unemployed; I have nothing to do and no money to just randomly go do things.  So, not getting to go to the one thing you've been looking forward to since the day you became unemployed 2 weeks ago, is kind of a big deal, even if no one else thinks it should be.  Wait why does everyone else get to dictate how I feel, oh right, they're my friends and family and potential employers and if I want them not to hate me and leave me, I have to suck it up and paste a smile on my face regardless of how I really feel. Such is life. Life is fucking stupid sometimes.

Changing Weather

This time of year, the weather changes, the leaves turn, I have to wear a jacket in the morning, and the wind always blows just right through the hole that you left that it chills me to the bone.  This time of year, I wake up in the morning and I feel cold and empty and all I want to do is stay under the covers for a month and I don't know why because I know it's nice outside and I know life is beautiful, but then I remember...  It really never goes away.

post wherein i answer why I am writing a post at midnight instead of being in bed like a normal person

Restless.

why?

because I have a job interview monday.

if it makes you restless, why are you doing it?

Any job interview I have will make me restless. I like my bubble with the princess and her baby brother and 2 hours of naptime and plenty of time and energy to do craft shows.

Again? why do it?

I need more money. And, in theory, I should do something more with my life than nanny part time. And, if those things are going to happen, this is one of the places I think I can make them happen.... And that's a rare thing these days.

So, why does that make you restless? It's a good thing.

Yes. But A. see above and B. I have been through this before and keep landing back at daycare and nannying because I keep not being a good fit for jobs or vice versa.


Technically, this is the way shit goes and it shouldn't matter. However, I keep placing my whole being into jobs thinking that this will be the one that will work. And it hasn't. I want a more career oriented job, but nannying keeps me sane unlike any social service job I've ever had ever.
I don't want to give up my awesome job with the awesome children and their awesome parents only to find that I can't fucking do social work regularly without losing my mind or that this place is also an awful fit or something.

I have been calm and happy and much less crazy since I started nannying. I'd like to think I'm "destined" for more than taking care of children, but if I have my wits about me steadily for the first time in many years, then I... have a hard time with the idea of it changing but at the same time, I don't want to stay somewhere just because it's comfortable. I don't want to leave, if it's the best place for me, but I don't want to stay just because I'm comfortable if it's not the best place for me...

So, I'm Restless.
:/

i should post something. it's been 5 months.

umm...
I wanted to stay working as a social worker at an AIDS outreach but th ere were some things I just couldn't handle... so I left.
I am now nanny-ing part time and looking for... something full time. But something that hopefully won't drive me crazy or make me want to quit after 3 years.
A bajillian cities in Alabama and a good section of the south was hit by asshole storms that threw tornadoes everywhere. Last week and part of this week I had extra house guests who had no power in their house. I cooked for them a lot and they cooked AWESOME stuff for me!
Today I volunteered at a local agency helping out with whatever random thing needed done for a few hours. It was awesome. My needs for chaos, exercise and feeling helpful were met in one fell swoop (and I ate some excellent home made chocolate fudge that was brought by someone for the hundreds of volunteers).
And now, I'm looking at the facebook page of a man who has been dead almost 5 months. Every time I see his name, I want to look at the page. And every time I look at the page, I am reminded of why I stopped having friends and opening up to people. We were friends but it wasn't deep but somehow there is a hole in my heart the size of the damned grand canyon. It hurts. Being open to people HURTS. It's amazing, but sometimes the pain makes me wonder if it's worth it. It's hard to be open, it's hard to force myself to be sociable enough to make friends, and it's always complicated because I am a tangled mess of emotions and, so often, the people I deem "worthy" are, too. It's so hard just to say hi and have a conversation about random things like music some days and it's so hard to trust that something won't happen and I won't screw up or won't forget them or they won't hate me or leave me, and then... something fucking happens. It's life; it happens. But.

pre-santa letter

Once again I find myself having difficulty writing a santa letter because evything i want is ridiculous and depressing. And, once again, I am going to write a Pre-Santa Letter to see if I can get this out of my system:
Dear Santa:
I want to stop being exhausted and disillusioned, I want people to understand what I mean, I want to work somewhere where I am not covered over with enough work for 8 people, I want to stop bitching at family during holidays and I want my friend back. There is one less amazing person in my life and I want that fucking fixed. now.
I want to treat the amazing people left in my life like they are amazing, but I can't seem to do it. Please make me a magic wand or something. Lavender tea is awesome, pie is awesome and presents are awesome but they don't fix this kind of deep seeded sadness and thorough emotional exhaustion. I need a fucking Christmas miracle. Please.

seriously.