Don't get too close... Crazy is contagious

Changing Weather

2011-10-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

This time of year, the weather changes, the leaves turn, I have to wear a jacket in the morning, and the wind always blows just right through the hole that you left that it chills me to the bone. This time of year, I wake up in the morning and I feel cold and empty and all I want to do is stay under the covers for a month and I don't know why because I know it's nice outside and I know life is beautiful, but then I remember... It really never goes away.

post wherein i answer why I am writing a post at midnight instead of being in bed like a normal person

2011-05-21T23:55:00.002-05:00

Restless.

why?

because I have a job interview monday.

if it makes you restless, why are you doing it?

Any job interview I have will make me restless. I like my bubble with the princess and her baby brother and 2 hours of naptime and plenty of time and energy to do craft shows.

Again? why do it?

I need more money. And, in theory, I should do something more with my life than nanny part time. And, if those things are going to happen, this is one of the places I think I can make them happen.... And that's a rare thing these days.

So, why does that make you restless? It's a good thing.

Yes. But A. see above and B. I have been through this before and keep landing back at daycare and nannying because I keep not being a good fit for jobs or vice versa.

Technically, this is the way shit goes and it shouldn't matter. However, I keep placing my whole being into jobs thinking that this will be the one that will work. And it hasn't. I want a more career oriented job, but nannying keeps me sane unlike any social service job I've ever had ever.
I don't want to give up my awesome job with the awesome children and their awesome parents only to find that I can't fucking do social work regularly without losing my mind or that this place is also an awful fit or something.

I have been calm and happy and much less crazy since I started nannying. I'd like to think I'm "destined" for more than taking care of children, but if I have my wits about me steadily for the first time in many years, then I... have a hard time with the idea of it changing but at the same time, I don't want to stay somewhere just because it's comfortable. I don't want to leave, if it's the best place for me, but I don't want to stay just because I'm comfortable if it's not the best place for me...

So, I'm Restless.
:/

i should post something. it's been 5 months.

2011-05-06T23:56:00.002-05:00

umm...
I wanted to stay working as a social worker at an AIDS outreach but th ere were some things I just couldn't handle... so I left.
I am now nanny-ing part time and looking for... something full time. But something that hopefully won't drive me crazy or make me want to quit after 3 years.
A bajillian cities in Alabama and a good section of the south was hit by asshole storms that threw tornadoes everywhere. Last week and part of this week I had extra house guests who had no power in their house. I cooked for them a lot and they cooked AWESOME stuff for me!
Today I volunteered at a local agency helping out with whatever random thing needed done for a few hours. It was awesome. My needs for chaos, exercise and feeling helpful were met in one fell swoop (and I ate some excellent home made chocolate fudge that was brought by someone for the hundreds of volunteers).
And now, I'm looking at the facebook page of a man who has been dead almost 5 months. Every time I see his name, I want to look at the page. And every time I look at the page, I am reminded of why I stopped having friends and opening up to people. We were friends but it wasn't deep but somehow there is a hole in my heart the size of the damned grand canyon. It hurts. Being open to people HURTS. It's amazing, but sometimes the pain makes me wonder if it's worth it. It's hard to be open, it's hard to force myself to be sociable enough to make friends, and it's always complicated because I am a tangled mess of emotions and, so often, the people I deem "worthy" are, too. It's so hard just to say hi and have a conversation about random things like music some days and it's so hard to trust that something won't happen and I won't screw up or won't forget them or they won't hate me or leave me, and then... something fucking happens. It's life; it happens. But.

pre-santa letter

2010-12-25T00:36:00.002-06:00

Once again I find myself having difficulty writing a santa letter because evything i want is ridiculous and depressing. And, once again, I am going to write a Pre-Santa Letter to see if I can get this out of my system:
Dear Santa:
I want to stop being exhausted and disillusioned, I want people to understand what I mean, I want to work somewhere where I am not covered over with enough work for 8 people, I want to stop bitching at family during holidays and I want my friend back. There is one less amazing person in my life and I want that fucking fixed. now.
I want to treat the amazing people left in my life like they are amazing, but I can't seem to do it. Please make me a magic wand or something. Lavender tea is awesome, pie is awesome and presents are awesome but they don't fix this kind of deep seeded sadness and thorough emotional exhaustion. I need a fucking Christmas miracle. Please.

seriously.

it Christmas!

2010-12-04T08:56:00.003-06:00

I simultaneous love and hate this time of year!
It's exciting, the air is filled with the scent of cinnamon and peppermint, there's cheery music, people are nice to each other, there's lots of chocolate to be had, and there's presents!
But, peope are only nice if you don't have the thing they want, cinnamon brooms are nice until they give you an asthma attack, and all the chocolate and presents? who do you think makes and buys all that shit? elves?

So many parties, so many events, so many things to do: it's a little mind-boggling. I almost went fucking postal at work Thursday because i have an ungodly amount of work to do and was somehow supposed to clean my office, eat lunch, and get my work done in a matter of 4 hours (it's literally like 20 hours worth of work) and THEN be cheerful for visitors for 3 hours.
The office was clean enough, i managed a being friendly for three hours, I eventually ate, and the work isn't finished, but I did apparently "storm out" when everyone else was eating lunch. I don't think I stormed out. I think I saw that the one thing I wanted was taken (lunch was furnished that day), couldn't decide on anything else, decided I did't have time to waste being indecisive about lunch, said "i have bigger shit to worry about" and walked out so I could go clean my office which was absolutely filthy and should have been cleaned several days before but wasn't because I had too much work to do.
I love parties, I love seeing friendly people, i love presents and i love peppermint, but I hate all the work that goes into doing those things. I wish there was a balance.
Wheream I going with this?
I don't know. I just know I had a friend who said I don't post on here often enough so, here you go :-P

Rosie, the car who isn't quite as depressing this time

2010-11-20T19:40:00.003-06:00

As you may have guessed, yesterday's story, comes from somewhere very personal. I have my days where I feel like a shitty broken car. To me, it doesn't really seem to matter that I want to do better because at a certain point, I'm not adequate for the task. I'm just not. For the last 3 weeks, I have been carrying around the idea that I am a shitty broken car and won't ever be anything else. I have been a very sad car. I have cried many times, especially over the last 2 days. The ends of my hair and my cheeks were soaked last night when I was writing the story about Rosie. In fact, every time I thought about writing Rosie's story, I cried. It did occur to me that if the thought of writing it made me cry, then maybe I should let it go and not write it.

I am glad I wrote it. Once it was done, I felt almost calm. Sometimes if something is bothering me, I just have to speak my mind, and I feel better. Writing the story down somehow helped me move past feeling like a shitty broken car. The tears dried up, and I went to bed. Before I went to bed, the only ending I could see that wasn't bullshit was the one I wrote. I woke up this morning with another idea that seems reasonably realistic and a fitting ending to the story. So, without further ado, Here's the alternate ending:

There once was a car named Rosie. Rosie was shiny and her speakers played beautiful music and all of her parts were perfect and well oiled. Rosie lived at car lot next to other cars, but Rosie was the shiniest and most special car there. One day a man wearing a green tie came to Rosie and washed her with bubbly soap and a soft cloth. The bubbles tickled and the cloth felt soft and warm.

A few minutes later, another man in a red hat came and the man in the green tie told him how special Rosie was. The man in the red hat opened Rosie’s door, sat in Rosie’s cushy seats, and turned the key. Rosie started right up and her engine hummed and she was happy.

Both men went away and came back. The man in the green tie told the man in the red hat that Rosie was a good car and the man in the red hat smiled. Rosie was happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car. The man in the red hat took Rosie home and then told a lady in a pink skirt and a little girl with a teddy bear what a good car Rosie was. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

Rosie took the man in the red hat and the lady in the pink skirt and the girl with the teddy bear to get ice cream and they giggled and smiled and said how the good the ice cream was and how good Rosie was. It made Rosie Happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

Rosie took her family all kinds of places: the park, the school, the zoo, the library and the movies. Rosie liked taking people places they needed to go because it helped them. Rosie liked helping people and Rosie liked making people happy.

One day the man in the red hat turned Rosie’s key and she started up right away just like always. But this time, her engine didn’t hum--it sputtered. Try as she might, Rosie could not get her engine to stop sputtering. The man in the red hat was not happy and called her a lot of names. He did not call her a good car. Rosie was sad. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the red hat took her to a man in a blue jumpsuit who said he would fix Rosie and make her a good car again and Rosie was happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

The man in the jumpsuit changed Rosie’s oil, and her spark plugs, and oiled all of her joints, and turned bolts, and tweaked knobs and did everything possible and Rosie was happy. She was going to be a good car again.

The man in the red hat came back and the man in the jumpsuit told him that he could not fix Rosie and that Rosie was not a good car. The man in the red hat took Rosie back to the man with the green tie and told him that Rosie was a very bad car. Rosie was sad. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the green suit washed Rosie over and over and showed her to Men and Ladies and boys and girls and other men in jumpsuits. Rosie only ever got to go to the stop sign and back. No one wanted Rosie to take them to school or the zoo or to get ice cream. They all said Rosie was not a good car. Rosie was very sad. Rosie wanted to take people places and make them happy. She wanted to be a good car.

One day a man with a white hat and grease on his clothes came and looked at Rosie. He smiled when he saw her and when the man in the green tie told him how special Rosie was. He sat in Rosie’s seat and she started up right away just like always. Her engine still sputtered and she was sad. But the man in the white hat smiled. He told the man in the green tie that he would like to have a car like Rosie and that he was going to make her a good car again. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the white hat took her home and did all the same things that the men in jumpsuits had. The man turned the key and Rosie started right up like always, but her engine still sputtered and she was sad. The man smiled and went to get new tools and new parts and said that he would have to fix Rosie’s engine and then she would be a good car. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

The man opened up Rosie’s engine and then stared wide eyed and dropped his wrench. He said that Rosie was very different and very special but he could not fix her. The man put Rosie back together, sat down in her cushy seat and turned the key. He drove Rosie to another man with black pants and grease on his face who said he could fix her. The man in the black pants took her apart and cleaned every piece and tweaked every knob and did more than any of the men in jumpsuits or the man in the white hat had done. He smiled and said that Rosie should be fixed now and Rosie was happy. He turned the key and Rosie’s engine sputtered. Rosie was sad. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

The man in the white hat sat back in Rosie and turned the key and started back home. On the way home, Rosie’s engine sputtered. it sputtered and sputtered and sputtered until it stopped. Rosie stopped in the middle of the road. The man in the white hat turned Rosie’s key and she did not start.

Rosie was sad. Rosie wanted to be a good car and she was not. Rosie was tired of her sputtering engine and she was tired of people saying she was a bad car and she was tired of not getting to help people or make them happy.

The man in the white hat tried and tried to get Rosie to start but she would not. The man in the white hat pushed Rosie over to the side of the road. Then he got out his tools and told Rosie she was a good car and did everything he knew how but Rosie would not start.

When it got dark, the man in the white hat left Rosie. Rosie was lonely, but at least her engine was not sputtering. A long time after it got dark, a man in torn clothes came up to Rosie. He was shivering and his eyes were droopy and he walked with a limp. The man made Rosie's door open, and then laid down on Rosie's cushy seats. The man stopped shivering and fell deep asleep and smiled at his dreams. Rosie was happy. She was not a good car but she was a good place to rest and she had helped the man sleep. Rosie liked helping people and making them happy. Rosie was very happy.

Rosie, The car that really tried but....

2010-11-19T22:55:00.004-06:00

There once was a car named Rosie. Rosie was shiny and her speakers played beautiful music and all of her parts were perfect and well oiled. Rosie lived at car lot next to other cars, but Rosie was the shiniest and most special car there. One day a man wearing a green tie came to Rosie and washed her with bubbly soap and a soft cloth. The bubbles tickled and the cloth felt soft and warm.

A few minutes later, another man in a red hat came and the man in the green tie told him how special Rosie was. The man in the red hat opened Rosie’s door, sat in Rosie’s cushy seats, and turned the key. Rosie started right up and her engine hummed and she was happy.

Both men went away and came back. The man in the green tie told the man in the red hat that Rosie was a good car and the man in the red hat smiled. Rosie was happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car. The man in the red hat took Rosie home and then told a lady in a pink skirt and a little girl with a teddy bear what a good car Rosie was. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

Rosie took the man in the red hat and the lady in the pink skirt and the girl with the teddy bear to get ice cream and they giggled and smiled and said how the good the ice cream was and how good Rosie was. It made Rosie Happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

Rosie took her family all kinds of places: the park, the school, the zoo, the library and the movies. Rosie liked taking people places they needed to go because it helped them. Rosie liked helping people and Rosie liked making people happy.

One day the man in the red hat turned Rosie’s key and she started up right away just like always. But this time, her engine didn’t hum--it sputtered. Try as she might, Rosie could not get her engine to stop sputtering. The man in the red hat was not happy and called her a lot of names. He did not call her a good car. Rosie was sad. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the red hat took her to a man in a blue jumpsuit who said he would fix Rosie and make her a good car again and Rosie was happy. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

The man in the jumpsuit changed Rosie’s oil, and her spark plugs, and oiled all of her joints, and turned bolts, and tweaked knobs and did everything possible and Rosie was happy. She was going to be a good car again.

The man in the red hat came back and the man in the jumpsuit told him that he could not fix Rosie and that Rosie was not a good car. The man in the red hat took Rosie back to the man with the green tie and told him that Rosie was a very bad car. Rosie was sad. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the green suit washed Rosie over and over and showed her to Men and Ladies and boys and girls and other men in jumpsuits. Rosie only ever got to go to the stop sign and back. No one wanted Rosie to take them to school or the zoo or to get ice cream. They all said Rosie was not a good car. Rosie was very sad. Rosie wanted to take people places and make them happy. She wanted to be a good car.

One day a man with a white hat and grease on his clothes came and looked at Rosie. He smiled when he saw her and when the man in the green tie told him how special Rosie was. He sat in Rosie’s seat and she started up right away just like always. Her engine still sputtered and she was sad. But the man in the white hat smiled. He told the man in the green tie that he would like to have a car like Rosie and that he was going to make her a good car again. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

The man in the white hat took her home and did all the same things that the men in jumpsuits had. The man turned the key and Rosie started right up like always, but her engine still sputtered and she was sad. The man smiled and went to get new tools and new parts and said that he would have to fix Rosie’s engine and then she would be a good car. Rosie was happy. She wanted to be a good car.

The man opened up Rosie’s engine and then stared wide eyed and dropped his wrench. He said that Rosie was very different and very special but he could not fix her. The man put Rosie back together, sat down in her cushy seat and turned the key. He drove Rosie to another man with black pants and grease on his face who said he could fix her. The man in the black pants took her apart and cleaned every piece and tweaked every knob and did more than any of the men in jumpsuits or the man in the white hat had done. He smiled and said that Rosie should be fixed now and Rosie was happy. He turned the key and Rosie’s engine sputtered. Rosie was sad. Rosie wanted to be a good car.

The man in the white hat sat back in Rosie and turned the key and started back home. On the way home, Rosie’s engine sputtered. it sputtered and sputtered and sputtered until it stopped. Rosie stopped still in the middle of the train tracks. There was a loud horn followed by the clickety-clack of the train. The man in the white hat turned Rosie’s key and she did not start.

Rosie was sad. Rosie wanted to be a good car and she was not. Rosie was tired of her sputtering engine and she was tired of people saying she was a bad car and she was tired of not getting to help people or make them happy.

The man in the white hat tried and tried to get Rosie to start but she would not. The man in the white hat ran away from Rosie because he did not want to get hurt. The train honked and honked and honked and Rosie would not move. Rosie was not a good car but as the train barreled down on her and broke her into hundreds of pieces, she hoped she could at least be good scrap metal.

hold on to Nothing as fast as you can

2010-10-19T06:42:00.003-05:00

Everyone says I'm too hard on myself, I expect too much of myself, I'm too much of a perfectionist, etc. UNTIL we get to something they want or need a specific way and then I'm just not trying hard enough. Even with good ADHD medication, I can get exhausted just trying to concentrate on one thing. Rest assured that if I am failing at something, I am giving it all I have and have probably tried 15 different methods to not fuck it up. Hell, you can rest assured that if I am making a the tiniest ass minor mistake that I have tried everything I know, other than just blowing my damn brains out, to make it stop. Most days, I feel completely drained just from trying to do normal tasks that anyone else can do in their sleep. Many days, I feel I have Nothing left to give.

I know that typing something without completely jumbling up every word, leaving out capitalization and screwing up the spacing should be easy and isn't an unreasonable expectation for someone to have of me; I know that leaving the house with all the lights off and all the doors locked is a good and normal thing to want; I know that forgetting to document something important is very very bad; I know that forgetting to click "submit" the fourth time results in unpaid bills which can seriously fuck up your month... But in the end, I can't fucking do it. There's no amount of concentration, no method, no magic fairy dust, no medication, no therapist that can make that work for me. I put forth 300% effort and am lucky to get back a 30% return.

I am smart, I care about people, I want to do well, and I could be utterly fucking amazing if I could just do anything even half as well as I intend to. But as it is, I can't. So I am doomed to a life of people getting frustrated with me over mundane shit they could do when they were five which leads to arguments, conflicts at work, frustration, dogs and cat living together... no wait, this actually really sucks. Fuck Humor.

I am doomed to repeat a cycle of finding a job, working my ass off to adjust, ultimately not being able to be what they need and then either getting fired or quitting before I get fired, Over and Over and Over and Over. I am doomed to disappoint people, forget anniversaries, lose important shit, lose touch with friends because I forget to call them for two years, forget to pay bills and generally frustrate those around me.

I want help and people try to help me, but eventually we get back around to "just do it. try harder." Really? you expect me to expend the kind of energy I do, drain myself the fuck out every day, bang my head against the wall for hours at a time, and the best advice you can give me is "you're not trying hard enough"? Fuck You. Oh wait, I care about you and what you think... So now we're back to square one.
*sigh*

really i mean it...

2010-08-16T00:53:00.002-05:00

This lovely post last December talked about the four moods/intentions of Vo0. Right now I am in full on "love me" mode. Talk to me, hug me, pat me on the shoulder, tell me i'm strong and smart even if i don't believe it and for the love of god, don't leave, don't go to bed, and just... don't ever stop.
I have had a lot of personal stress lately. Hubby quit his job a couple of weeks due to it being "asstastic" and him not feeling that being sick with stress every day was worth it, even if we might have to get creative to pay the mortgage. Luckily not much financial creativity was required because he starts a new job tomorrow. Nonetheless, it was draining and I got pretty worn out from those 2 weeks.

Just as I was starting to feel normal again, mom called me and said she was quitting work due to health problems. She had issues about three years ago, and I talked about them right before my santa letter that year. The issues never went all the way away but they got better with the right combination of PT, meds and other medical type stuff. Now they have gotten worse again and the woman who has been a preschool teacher since before I was born is now not one anymore due to chronic health issues. SHIT. ouch.

Seriously, I'm crying now as I type this. sooo not happy. The day i found out, I laid my head on hubby's shoulder about 10 minutes past the point of having neck pain from the way i was laying and really didn't ever want to get up. This weekend I have been... crazy. I want nothing but to connect with people, and be hugged, and talk to people and be around friends and be around hubby and I have been cuddling with hubby all the time and talking to people online almost constantly and it's still not enough. I don't think anything is going to be enough. I can ether go back to blissfully ignoring this, or I can be stressed out for the rest of her life. *sigh*

I could seriously use a kitten pile of friends to nap in right now... I don't care how creepy it sounds to the rest of you, it might actually give me a moment's peace.

I am awesome! Would you like to know why?!

2010-07-23T23:20:00.003-05:00

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I linked to Amanda Palmer's writing contest? My favorite crazy naked musician, held a contest where you could write prose on the subject of her death and possibly win one of 15 copies of her book to be given away as contest prizes. Today I got an email from the publisher of the book. I won a copy.
HOLY.
FUCK.
I never expected to win, and I never necessarily expected what I wrote to be comparably good to what other people would write, but when I saw the contest, I had an urge to write. So I did. I wrote something that I thought was appropriate to my favorite crazy musician/artist and something I was actually proud of. I had no idea it would ever strike someone else as exceptional. I wrote what I wanted to write the exact crazy ass way I wanted to write it, and someone else liked it. Sooo happy!

Here is a taste of the story:

"...To her surprise, she found that, not only could she play the concerto with considerable ease, she could read it. She understood the sheet music intrinsically and played with the passion and fervor of bunnies. When she was finished she smiled softly, for the first time since several hours before her death. 'Wow.' she said. 'Indeed.' said the little man taking up his sheet music. No sooner was it in his hands than he disappeared in a puff of mist or was it smoke or... well, whether or not it was ethereal mist, smoke, or cedar moths on methamphetamine was inconsequential: the fact was, he was gone..."

You should go to the site to read the rest of it.

so, yes I am obsessed, but this is cool... trust me

2010-07-05T22:43:00.002-05:00

My girlfriend is having a contest where you can win her new book by writing a story, poem, etc.
I wrote one for the hell of it and you can read it here. So not for the easily offended, but if you're readng my blog, you probably don't fall in to this category.

Independence day

2010-07-04T11:50:00.003-05:00

I am proud to be a citizen of a country who celebrates that day it said "fuck you" to a government it felt was oppressive. I am proud to be a citizen of a country where other citizens protect me so that I may spend my Sunday posting blogs with lots of cursing, playing board games or otherwise dicking around. The physical and mental trauma suffered by a solder is unimaginable by any of us at home, and we owe them. Thank you soldiers. Happy fourth of July!

I know more about parenting than you do

2010-06-20T20:09:00.004-05:00

If you are a parent, you are responsible for your child... in everything... until they can be independent or you can responsibly find them a safe place to be other than your home...period. No one is perfect, and we all fuck things up, but there are some obvious goddamn things that you should/shouldn't do as a parent (btw, this does not apply to anyone that i know that reads this blog--all of you that i've met are really good parents).
1. If the kid is in public and is screaming or otherwise disrupting others, you should do something about it. It is your job to teach them polite behavior. It is not your job to "deal with" the fact that they hit someone, are screaming, called their grandma a fattie or are otherwise being disrespectful or disruptive by saying "oh, they're just kids." I am a ranting fucking lunatic, but I *knew* by the time i was five exactly how i should behave and what would happen if I didn't. I still know how to behave in public when I want to, but the choice is mine. You're not being mean to your kids by disciplining them, you are giving them a choice. If they don't know that hauling off and smacking someone they are mad at is mean and considered unacceptable, then they can't choose to be acceptable or unacceptable. I *know* how to be acceptable and docile if I choose to, but I also know how to raise holy hell if I feel it is necessary.
2. "Do as I say, not as I do".... UGH UGH UGH. You know, I know this is a hard one sometimes because you may have picked up a bad habit that you don't want the kid to have, but if you do it, they will. The important thing is that, once you pick up the bad habit that you don't want them to have, you need to make a visible effort to quit... many if necessary--as many as it takes until it sticks or you die. Also don't EVER discipline a kid for hitting someone or being mean or being aggressive by smacking them OMG.
3. Don't make selfish choices that put your child's life, emotional state, mental stability or overall chance at life in danger. Seriously, fucking pay attention. Again, we all make mistakes, but shit this major, you should see coming and at least try to prevent it.

You know what, I know that since i do not have any... darling angels of my own that I cannot possibly understand how difficult it is to be a parent or all the shit you're up against, but A. I taught daycare and if crazy ass unstable me can halfway control a kid, most people can do SOMETHING. and B. ...*sigh* I need to shut up.
I don't expect anyone (except myself) to be perfect, but just... TRY--not for me, but for your kids--they didn't ask to be born, so do your best to help them figure all this crazy shit out. Life hurts enough when you understand how it works and you have good influences/examples in your life and you have some sort of structure and reliability... don't make them go through life without these things.

my "girlfriend"

2010-04-02T17:44:00.003-05:00

Amanda Palmer posted on her blog about being in the studio again and a million other random things like she always does. I always like what she writes but then I saw this:

"i’ve forgotten exactly what it’s like to be sitting at the piano for the first time with a microphone shoved into your mind.
god it’s hard. your brain spins with pain and regret at every miniscule mistake and you want to destory your imperfect self with a sledgehammer."

YES!
Creativity, art expression, music, dance, jewelry, drawing: it's like having an amplifier on your brain and soul. It utterly infuriating if what you see or hear yourself do isn't an accurate reflection of you or if you see that you're not what you want to be... no matter how minuscule the difference between the ideal and reality is. In fact that's always infuriating and I always get out the emotional sledge hammer, and everyone doesn't know WTH to do with that... most people try to reassure me, but i know what i heard or saw or felt, so then the sledgehammer gets turned on them. Not good, but I always wish that just one person would get this. Amanda does.

It's why I love her and want to have her children.

can i just go live in my cave now?

2010-02-17T23:35:00.002-06:00

Life is generally good but the last few days...
I'm tired and want to go live in a cave and never come out.

being alone is lonely, being around normal people is boring and being around complicated people is lovely... until they decide to be complicated ...

I always feel lonely, due in part to the fact that I don't have a lot of friends and the ones I do have have their own lives. I don't have a lot of friends, because I'm an ass and I tend to forget people, leave them out of the loop, never call them when they give me their phone number and practically beg me to do so, etc.
Or I used to. Now, I either intend to call you until the end of time or I cling like a crazy velcro monkey because I'm to the point in my life where I really want people around me. However, me being me, I can't be happy with normal people who smile blankly and talk about "having case of the Mondays" with no sarcasm. I have to have amazing people with complex emotions who are just as batshit crazy as I am. Happy Complicated and crazy is fine.. it's better than fine... it's fucking amazing. Upset, complicated and crazy... is tiring, especially when you're complicated and crazy and prone to getting upset and so are those around you. Now I just feel like my life is an emotional cluster fuck and I'm tired and just want it to go away.

Add To this other normal things like dogs eating unidentified objects off the floor that might be chocolate and you get... A crazy woman typing a blogpost at almost midnight on a worknight because she has nothing else to do while she waits for the dog's head to explode.
I am complicated enough without adding anything to it. Add a husband friends and family, and it becomes a beautiful disaster of proportions unknown to man. Add to that the responsibility for another life?
Wait, why would anyone add "responsibility for keeping something alive" to "natural disaster of a human being?" I don't know. I am not fit to be responsible for myself much less something else. In fact, this is really tiring. Can I go live in a cave now please? seriously?

excue me, is this YOUR nose?

2010-01-29T00:49:00.002-06:00

If *I* am okay with the fact that my husband might quit his job before he has a new one or if *I* am okay with the fact that he avoids formal and work events like the plague, why?... what?.. *sigh*
Why do i even have to defend this? If my husband says "XYZ" Why does an 'adult' have to say "No, ABC" in a tone that says "this is what normal, responsible people do." We ARE NOT NORMAL and there's a reason we do not have children (okay there are many), and it is so that we are not responsible for fucking up anyone else's lives with our crazy ass decisions. Mind you, I know I stick my nose where it doesn't belong too, but my husband is 34 and married. He does not need a 'grown up' to remind him of societal norms that are stupid and designed to make people crazy. Also,why is it assumed that because I am quiet, I am just letting this happen or quietly disagreeing... PERHAPS I am as crazy as he is and am completely okay with this. I like him the way he is, even if that doesn't fit a mold... in fact, IT'S WHY I MARRIED HIM. Mind you, the 'grown-ups' in question don't mind people who think outside the box, they very quickly get to a point where they think it is "too much" and he needs to be reminded how he 'should' act. The only "too much" is what we decide is too much for whatever our reasons might be.

Seriously. None. of. your. business.

Suggestions and ideas are welcome. Commands and forcing your way of thinking on us... screw that!

3w3656zwefse

2010-01-29T00:42:00.002-06:00

a ikabwi4raw;oqaastkvnrlitn;ono;9AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaAAAaaaaAAAaAAAAAAaAaAaAAaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaFUCK!
that is all.

Head Tilt

2010-01-12T21:32:00.003-06:00

My dog, when confronted with an idea with which he is unfamiliar but intrigued will tilt his head to one side. If you repeat yourself, he will tilt his head back the other way. This can continue all day.
"Ahboo, Unicycle!" *tilt right*
"Unicycle!" *tilt left*
"UUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuunicycle" *tilt right*
repeat until you are no longer amused by the cuteness or the dog hears someone rustling in the pantry.

So, this weekend I had to take my husband to the emergency room. It turned out to be minor, but it was scary nonetheless and he has been in a fair amount of pain since. Today, being the lovely wife and caregiver that I am, I brought home dinner. A sandwich and a cookie for him and a soup and a cookie for me. I spilled some of my soup in the microwave and did not clean it immediately. My husband went back to warm something up in the microwave and cleaned it but not without asking why i couldn't have done it myself as it took like 5 seconds for him to do it.
I responded by screaming something incoherent about him being an ass and that i didn't even know why I didn't do it because I was too stressed to have any thought processes. He asked why I was stressed and I said "you were in the hospital!" and he responded "That was two days ago, your stress should be gone"

*Head Tilt*

My stress does not go away unless I do something to make it.... ever. The idea that it can almost makes my brain hurt. Am I alone in this? Does most people's stress just disappear without anything specifically being done or do most people have to work for it like I do. Sure, I can relax a little and feel like I'm not falling apart, but unless there is something there to fix the stress, I am always a ticking time bomb waiting to scream over spilled soup or requests to fix typos...

In fact, I know you're counting grammatical errors in your head right now... FUCK YOU!

Epiphany

2009-12-15T20:07:00.002-06:00

Today I realized that all of my conversations and the motivations behind all of my actions boils down to one of 4 things:

1."let me fix you"
2."love me"
3."fuck you"
4."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGLDEHURIUWEHDLIACKASDJFLIWY485H9B4Y5Q0NU232$$^#$%GCFA%ER&IAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It's almost Christmas, so I know everyone out there can guess what mode I'm in right now :)

I'm so pleasant.

and articulate.

And adorable.

(love me)

of masks and men... or something.

2009-09-02T23:45:00.006-05:00

Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

___________________________________________________________________

I was in the middle of the hallway deep in conversation with a volunteer who I had met once or twice before about Amanda Palmer in varying states of undress when I stepped out of myself for a moment and realized that I barely discuss this with close friends, much less random people. So the question for a long time has been why I would choose to speak with someone I really didn't know that well about something that has heretofore been a closely guarded secret. I rarely bring up people I'm attracted to and I generally intentionally skip over mentioning women unless I'm with a certain few people. So why was I in the middle of the hallway casually discussing how hot i thought BOTH of the Dresden dolls were?
Well, there's a lot of answers but the big one is this: Hiding is tiring and it mostly just hurts me. I'm beautiful Goddamnit: Creativity, compassion, bitchy Dramatic tendencies, secular humanism, Bi-curiosity, mistakes, extra 35 pounds and all. It's all beautiful. Keeping it in is a lot of work. Keeping it in is me telling myself it's wrong or that other people's definitions of beautiful matter more than mine. FUCK THEM. I'm so tired. I don't think I've said that enough: it hurts and I'm tired.
When I went to the gaming convention in may, it was instantly clear that no one cared about "masks" and you were free to be whoever you really were. I was really comfortable and just behaved however I wanted to in any given situation. Funny thing--that entire weekend, everytime I looked in the mirror, I was happy with what I saw, in an actual, physical sense. Normally, I see too much weight or too little weight or the one hair thats out of place or the fact that my jeans are too tight underneath the huge shirt that covers them up anyways; and it's never the same problem I see--most of the time it's like i'm looking at a new me with a new problem every day. For three whole days, I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl -- the same pretty girl--every day.
I cried the night before I had to go back to work because I knew that the ugly girl would come back, the mask would have to go back on and I would have to go back to hating certain things about myself. I was partially right. The girl in the mirror is about the same everyday-- not as pretty as she was that weekend, but not fatally flawed and incessantly morphing. I do hate certain things about myself but I think some of those things will take a much longer process to deal with than 3 weekend days and a few conversations. The mask is back on, but it's bothering me more and more. And more and more I find reasons to cut pieces off of it. Thank God, because it's starting to ruin my skin and warp my beautiful face.

I was in the hallway having that conversation about half-naked amanda palmer because I WANT THE MASK OFF. OFF. Sometimes the mask is needed just like a good pair of high heels. But just like the heels, it gets irritating and old after more than a couple of hours.
Why did I begin this long journey with taht one convesation with that particular person? I'm still not entirely sure how, maybe i noticed wear marks in his face, maybe it was all conjecture based on the fact that we both like a band with a fucked up sense of beauty, but somehow I knew he prefers to see faces and he doesn't care what they look like.

And Why am I downstairs at 1 in the morning typing on a blog when I have a loving husband upstairs in bed who all but orders me to put that mask in my back pocket as often as possible? Because I'm a moody, contemplative ass. Sorry Sweetie, I love you. And, Ironically, I miss you ;)

yes, i do see that steamroller on the horizon

2009-06-03T23:47:00.004-05:00

...but I'm in cement up to my knees.
I have not had a good day. I have had a busy and stressful couple of weeks. I am well aware of the fact that my ass is going to burn out VERY VERY soon (in fact kind of already has--more on that later)if I don't do anything about it and I can do precisely dick about it. I was going to go to dance, but then my previously sore neck started feeling sore again, so I said, no biggie, I'll go get my hair cut instead.
And then later I had what I so impolitely call a walking corpse in my office. Seeing someone who's almost dead or seriously ill or seriously in pain is absolutely worse than getting a call that they've died. SO i had to deal with that for like a half hour, or 5 minutes--I don't really know, time just became irrelevant at that point. At this point I was seriously wishing my neck didn't fucking hurt so I could go to dance class because that's about the only thing that will work that kind of stress and emotional turmoil out of me.

But at least, I was finally going to get the haircut I had been growing my hair out for for 1.5 years and had drawn a sketch of a year ago. *I* kept track of a sketch on a random piece of paper for a YEAR. I even got a tip about a hair place that might be able to handle the crazy ass things I wanted (from a cute blonde girl with a turquoise streak in her hair, no less)

I went to go to the appointment and could NOT find it. Worse yet, I had my phone in my pocket and the jeans were too tight when I was sitting down for me to pull the phone out and I was on windy ass roads. I should have known to have my phone out because I know i tend to get lost in that area and I know getting lost in that area means windy ass roads. The stylist called me about 20 mins after my appt and asked me to re-schedule because it was so late so, me being the softspoken, passive sweetheart I am, said "yeah, whatever" very rudely and then hung up the phone. *SHIT*

I called back like 45 secs later and she didn't pick up, so I apologized to the answering machine, and I'm sure I sound like a fucking neurotic mess. So, I am leaving the ball in her park to call to re-schedule since I was such a whore about such a minor thing.
So then I did what any mature 31 year old would do when missing a haircut, cried--no, wailed--no, screamed with tears in my eyes all the way home. Honestly I didn't know I was capable of such noise. Over a haircut. I wonder if I'll call the stylist a cuntrag for "taking away my haircut" on the off chance that she happens to call to re-schedule.

Yeah I smell that. It smells like burnout. It doesn't seem to be going away. Off to bed, to wake up at 6, roll out and head back in to work. That'll cure anything! Right?!
...Oh my god, I sound like a psycho.

yes, i do walk around with a permanent storm cloud over my head.

2009-04-24T22:58:00.002-05:00

Goddamnit, son-of-a-bitch, cunt, cunt whore, asshole, bitch BITCH!

*sigh*
okay, I feel better now that I got it out of my system. I promised myself this year that when I did not get past choreography competition prelims I would NOT curse at my mother or treat her like crap, or anyone else for that matter. And when I did not make prelims, I made an annoyed call to my husband to tell him I didn't get in and then whined to mom about how I don't like it when they don't take a full three pieces into the finals in each category. And then I painted a smile--okay maybe not a smile, but a less annoyed look--on my face and went about watching different things and hanging out with mom at the arts festival.

I am still annoyed and I stated that more than once, but I was a good girl and did not treat anyone like crap, curse at my mother, or otherwise act like a baby... Even though I really wanted to.

I would love to win, but that's not why I take dances to choreography competition. That said, I would like a little fucking recognition or at least the chance for a slightly bigger audience (or at least one that isn't all dancers and moms of dancers in the prelims). I have no other outlet for this, and I'm definitely thankful to have one at all, but damnit, sometimes I want to be seen.

I was at least hoping for a "you know I really got what you were saying and i totally agree with you" (from someone other than my mom and her friend), but no such luck this year :/

People wonder why I am so obsessed with Amanda Palmer and other crazy ass performers, and it's partly because they help keep me going. The idea that someone somewhere can do whatever crazy motherfucking thing they want, and not only get away with it, but have a theater full of people eating out of their hand is beautiful. I don't ever expect for this to happen for me and I don't really want to be a star, but it's nice to know that doing whatever insane creative thing comes to mind pays off sometimes.

So, in case you're wondering, yes there will be another display of creative insanity a la vo0 at next year's competition that will probably also get nowhere because I refuse to stop creating and I refuse to do something just because I think it will win.

sad vo0 in snow (deadliest catch spoilers within)

2009-04-21T22:47:00.013-05:00

First of all, fuck you for even thinking about thinking that my gimmicky title is a reference that has been used too many times.
Second of all, fuck death.

We just finished watching deadliest catch and the end of the show was the coast guard looking for 11 people abord a cod fishing boat, finding one dead and seeing nothing else but a bunch of debris. That combined with the tension at work put me in a tearful, reflective, bitchy sort of mood.

The tension at work has to do with the state budget. As is, HIV organizations will not get enough funding from the state to meet federal guidelines for Ryan White matching funds, which means in simple terms that our funding gets cut in half. Which means potentially less ASO's (which could theoretically mean mine getitng shut down) and definitely less funding for medicine/medical care, which translates to people being sick, uncomfortable and dying when it's not necessary. I think that this is what I may be about to have to witness. The state senate was going to pass the budget at last word. In theory they could change it but... I don't have a good feeling about this.

I have mentioned before that this job is where my heart is and that I really care about the clients I see. Here's the thing with this population. They are remarkable. Some with doctorates, some chefs, some social workers, some doctors, some chaplains, some studying to be nurses, some... you get the point. The thing that is hard to realize is exactly what is meant by "AIDS doesn't discriminate" until you meet some of these people. I have clients who are smarter or more interesting or more determined than I ever could think of being, and almost all of them are better at keeping up with their medical care.

In December, we had open house and, at said open house, we had several squares of the AIDS quilt. I stood in that room and balled for 20 minutes on 2 different occasions. It was very clear from the quilts that these people were not dregs or throwaways and that someone cared very deeply for them. Better yet, half of them were younger than me when they died... that's what started the waterworks the first time. I am afraid that we could see this again. We could see beautiful people in pain and dying before thier time again if this funding shit doesn't get straight.

I'm not saying this as a plea or an appeal to you to go do something about it. I'm just telling you how it is. I don't give a shit if you sit on your couch and eat potato chips and let the whole thing happen. I'm telling you my honest feelings. Do or don't do whatever you want to with that. Here's how I feel: I don't want my fucking heart broken and it very well may be. My job may end, and it's an amazing job. My job may not end and I may have clients who were previously happy and healthy walking, hobbling or being wheeled in the door in pain. I may have to say goodbye to a lot more people a lot earlier and I don't fucking want to. It's not fair.

It is in within normal job parameters to have to say goodbye because I work with adults. People die of cancer, they get in car wrecks, shit happens. What I really hope I don't have to see on a regular basis is people in and out of the hospital 6 times with pneumonia, showing up in my office barely able to breathe and then me getting the phone call 2 days later. I've had walking corpses in my office and it's unnerving. Not because I'm not a grown-up and I don't expect these things, but because these are good people and I don't want to see them suffer any more than I would my husband or my mother. Seriously. I am not fucking exaggerating when I say that.

I am known in my circles for being good at being dramatic and making things into something bigger than they are. I am not in the slightest exaggerating how I feel. Hopefully I am exaggerating what will happen if funding doesn't change, but as far as I know, I'm not.

Frustrating Damnit.

seriously?!

2009-04-18T02:00:00.002-05:00

Seriously!? are we going to play this game again? How about this, I'll stay out of your bedroom and leave you to have your archaic, stone faced missionary sex, and you stay the hell out of ours. Us sinners can just send you
something from our bedroom so you won't have to come in here. How about that?

bands you would miss work for?

2009-04-16T23:18:00.003-05:00

My husband and I were discussing music as we often do, especially after the last two shows we went to, and the question came up, "which bands would you miss work for?" By this I mean that you would have to take the whole day off from work and having not previously asked for it off and having no vacation or sick time, and possibly getting in trouble if someone found out you were faking. Which bands/musicians would you do this for? Of course, I forgot my husband's, but I'm pretty sure one of them is the pixies.

Here are mine:
Eatliz
Tilly and The Wall
Muse (although maybe not if it was in an arena or huge venue)
Tori Amos but only of she was in a smaller theater or club--nothing bigger than Alabama theater.
Diana Krall but again with the small theater stipulation

And here's my list of bands I'd lie about having a dr's appt for in order to leave a couple hours early:
-The Dresden Dolls (they would be on the other list if i hadn't seen them twice already)
-Amanda Fucking Palmer (she would also be on the other list if I hadn't seen her and the dolls so much already)
-Daikaiju (yes, after one show, they have this status)
-Silversun Pickups
-Imogen Heap
-Two Ton Boa
-They might be giants (yes, even though i have seen them like 5 or 6 times.)
-Some of None (*sigh*)
-Catawampus Universe (*sigh*)
Tell me yours!

WTF?

2009-04-11T11:00:00.002-05:00

I don't get it:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
Those are all from professional bakeries. I am COMPLETELY untrained in any way, and I can do better than that. See?

omg!

2009-04-01T00:24:00.003-05:00

I'm pregnant with amanda palmer's baby!

seriously.

(yes, it is april first, moron)

Review of the "The Green Seed", "Broken Letters" and "Daikaiju" show at workplay.

2009-03-29T22:39:00.007-05:00

As I said on twitter, there will be many verbose posts on this show because it struck a lot of chords (I'll let you decide if the pun was intended or not). As my friends David and Bill pointed out, a blog is something that anyone can read, and you should only post things that you're not afraid for people to read. They also said you shouldn't be afraid to say something just because you're afraid you might "offend" someone or cause a planet to go out of alignment or something.

So, that said, I am comfortable with the bands I am speaking about reading this. What I have to say is mostly positive, and the things that aren't are truly constructive criticism. Being an artist and a perfectionist myself, I know that bashing does nothing but that getting no feedback at all can actually be more frustrating than being bashed. New ideas and constructive criticism are always a good thing (even if I scream at you that you're a moron, I actually do appreciate it).

Did I tell the bands what I'm about to say to their face? Hell no. Why? this has more to do with the fact that me walking up to someone to say "hi" is more nerve racking and requires more energy than you could possibly imagine, than it has t do with "I'll say on my blog it's cool if they read this, but I honestly hope they never know." I hope they do know to be honest, but I'm always afraid to approach anyone with criticism since I like to make everything easy and happy all the time.

The Green Seed - They surprised both me and my husband. We knew this was a hip-hop group, but we had no idea that they were a hip-hop group who rapped about video games, x-men and sci-fi movies. I love the nerd references, and I loved that these guys are absolutely not afraid to do what they want with their art. Nerd rap is not a big genre and not even MC Chris will ever have the kind of fame that brittany spears or nickleback has. Yet, there were three black guys playing to an audience of pasty white children like me and getting a decent audience response from 25 people, half of whom appeared to be friends, crew, etc. of the headliners. They will never get love from alot of people, but they will got alot of really genuine love from the few of us who appreciate what they're doing. I love anyone who's willing to tow the line to make the art they think they should make.
Aside from that, these guys are genuinely talented. Complet is the main MC and it was his lyrics that turned my head and made laugh. He went completely off during "Xmess", a song where he lambasted the creators of the Xmen movies, all the time showing off his rhythm and rhyme. It was catchy, musically viable, and hysterical all at once. Rtist is usually the 'back up' MC and his rhythm is insane. I have never heard anyone that can rap that fast, use syncopation and keep right on the beat the whole time. He also added a lot of character to the show by joking around in between songs. Their DJ/mixmaster DJ FX is ridiculously talented. He did a great job of mixing and his scratching was fucking brilliant -- the rhythms were so cool I have been staring at my screen for 2 minutes to come up with the right word to describe them.

My only constructive criticism is something my husband said, that I have to agree with. Sometimes their "references" consisted of them just spouting off a bunch of game and movie titles, and it wouldn't hurt if sometimes they were a little more clever with their references. MC Chris has always done a great job with this, and it wouldn't hurt them to borrow from him in this aspect just a little. They are nothing like MC Chris and overall that's a really good thing, but I'd just like to see them figure out how to make their references a little less direct in some of their songs.

That said, any and all nerds out there who like music should go check out the green seed. I'm looking in the direction of everyone who reads this blog because I know all of you and you all are music lovin', card carryin' NERDS.

Broken Letters- they're definitely talented, and definitely don't sound like Nickelback. I generally love any indy rock sound over any standard radio rock anytime. I'm not saying that to be "all indy and shit", I'm saying it because it's true. It's like me saying I usually would rather look at any cute Indian chick than any cute Asian chick -- It's just a preference. That said, I felt like I didn't know what they sounded like. I heard a lot of influences and I heard a little bit of their own sound emerging, but I really wanted to hear more. Also, I like my music to move and go somewhere, and theirs kind of meandered. For me, it wasn't bad, it was just kind of... there. But maybe me not "feeling" them is like me not "feeling" 'lost in translation' -- it may just be a style that I don't really get.

Daikaiju- Wow. I don't think I can possibly really explain to you what I heard from them on Saturday. It was absolutely unreal. The problem in my trying to explain the sound is that their myspace clips don't even do it justice, never mind mere words. The recorded version of their music is so much less intense and energetic than what I heard Saturday. This is not to say that the CD wouldn't be good, in fact the clips on myspace sound great, but this band is one who's true nature cannot be captured in a recording studio. I would call them "Hardcore Surf Fusion".

They played so hard and so fast at Workplay that it was unreal. The thing is, it still sounded amazing. All the rhythm complexities, chord progressions, and variances in sound came through very clearly even though they were playing at a blistering pace. And it was definitely loud, but it wasn't "speed metal" loud and it wasn't ALWAYS loud. Like I mentioned before, they used different sounds, volumes, tempos, rhythms, etc. Each song was unique and they even had a couple with a darker feel like "Escape from Nebula M" (which happens to be on their myspace page).
I do not play an intrument, so sometimes I am impressed by things that really aren't that remarkable. So, on the way home, I asked my husband who plays guitar as a hobby "was the lead guitarist as good as I think he was?" His response was "the progressions in surf rock are not as difficult as they are in something like blues, but you're playing them 20 times faster, so it still takes a lot of skill. So, yeah... He was really good."

I don't want to just trumpet the lead guitarist because they were all talented. Rhythm guitar is honestly hard to tell one way or another how talented someone is because they're playing the rhythm part, but he kept up and he definitely added to the sound.

I don't play bass, but I play bass in rock band, and my general observation is that with a bass line it's really simple: if it sounds hard, it usually is, and if it doesn't, it's not. I know that rock band has only a passing resemblance to real life, so I'm not claiming to be an expert based on my experience playing a video game. But, if I'm right, then the bassist was brilliant. Actually, just watching him, I could see he had equally nimble fingers to the lead guitarist and, in some places, was all over the fret board just as much as the lead guitarist... sorry that can't be easy. Actually, they played a very bass heavy song that I loved, and he was pretty much the one leading the pack on that song. He did a great job.

I don't play drums, but I am a tap dancer, which means I know something about rhythms, and which ones are hard and which ones are easy. You might be thinking "yes, but drum sticks and feet are very different." Yes they are, but brains are brains. The hardest type of rhythm to wrap your head around is a repeating pattern that has a slight alteration occasionally. I heard/saw a lot of these... at like 2398203948 bpm no less. There were also several songs with at least a few tempo changes, which are hard for all members of the band, but as the drummer, you have to be spot on or the whole band sounds like shit. Not a problem.

Daikaiju is one of the most intense, most musically interesting and most talented bands I have ever seen. I was absolutely blown away. I think my brain is splattered all over the back wall of Workplay from that show.

I really don't have criticism but if I were forced to give some, I would say that they don't need the theatrics: they wear masks, they have fancy lighting, they have a disco robot on stage... it's really not necessary. When you're that good, you don't need a gimmick. However, if it makes them happy to wear masks and have disco robots, who am I to judge? As long as they play like that, they could come out naked for all I care.

most intense bands ever?

2009-03-29T00:05:00.004-05:00

About a week ago, Whitehowler and I were driving around in the car with some crazy music blasting, and i said "what are the most intense bands we listen to?" And we came up with a good list, which I promptly forgot. But I thought it was an interesting question. In this case, intense describes a certain quality the makes your brain feel like it's going to explode... but, for me, this often has nothing to do with volume or speed or number of instruments. So, here we go, here's my list of intense bands (in no particular order)

1. Supersystem
2. The Dresden Dolls
3. DaiKaiju
4. Muse
5. Tool
6. Eatliz
7. Two Ton Boa
8. The Pixies (btw, their myspace says something about a tour in 2009 for you fans out there)

What do you guys think? post in comments or tweet on http://twitter.com/vo0do0chile
_________________________________________________________________

I was told 'Shame on you for not putting Nine Inch Nails on your "most intense bands" list.' by my husband. He brings up a solid point. Actually, I meant to put them on there and forgot.

New projects and websites

2009-03-27T06:25:00.002-05:00

I wanted to let you all know what I had been up to lately that was occupying so much of my time.
I am proud to announce The re-opening of Happy Hippy Jewlery at http://hippybeads.etsy.com and the opening of "Happy Hippy Happenings", the Happy Hippy Blog.
I am also proud to announce the grand opening of Artful Unity at http://artfulunity.etsy.com . Artful Unity is a new project I started to be able to create higher quality artisan jewelry. For an explanation, you can check out "Artful Elaborations", our lovely blog.

(sorry for the re-post on this. it was an accident, I swear)

tv (possible spoilers for BSG, Dollhouse and Breaking Bad)

2009-03-26T22:11:00.004-05:00

I guess I should post something about all the geek TV that's been getting lots of blog space:

Battle Star Galactica Finale: Loved it. Ron Moore pretty much said that Hendrix is God and we should all live like Hippies. How can I disagree with that? ;)

Dollhouse: Okay, I shall remove my tongue from my cheek for this one. This show has tremendous potential, but I don't think it's living up to it. There's lots of reasons. For one, Some of the conflict was introduced too early. I didn't give a shit about a Helo... err Paul Ballard until the 6th episode, and really I'm still only mildly interested. I think if they had waited to introduce him, I might care. Another example is this whoel thing with "alpha". Again, I just barely met echo and I don't really know what she's all about. Why did this story start in like 2nd or 3rd episode. I think they needed to establish parameters of the dolhouse and the dolls and the handlers and the staff, and THEN introduce terrible accidents. I have no frame of reference for this place because it's not real or a widely known fantasy sci-fi concept and they keep changing it. Establish what it is and what the dynamics are first, THEN change it.

Another thing that bugs me is that some of the characters are... crappy. In fact, they're all a little shallow at this point, but that is slowly coming along... Topher, however, makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, run away, go get a gun and shoot themselves. He is so obviously a "type" that they had in thier mind and the actor didn't seem to develop him any past "he's a geeky genius, but he should say cool things because we want to appeal to the teens". Honestly, the only actor i've seen pull this kind of thing off is Seth Green, and oddly, the actor who plays Topher looks like an uglier, younger, skinnier version of Seth Green. So since they didn't have Seth Green, they should have made topher into a normal cool geek like me or my husband or any of my friends.
As far as characters, everyone else, except the dolls, and maybe the doctor still seem kind of one dimensional. I find it interesting that I mentioned the doctor there because they have told us almost nothing about her. However, there's a little bit of depth added to her with the scars, and the fact that she is not very forthcoming with her history, or anything.

Another complaint is that so far, they have been kind of transparent with the plot. Who didn't know in the first episode that Mellie was in some way working for the Dollhouse. I thought she was a normal citizen informant and/or employee and not an active doll, but my husband and I both knew about halfway through the first episode that she was keeping an eye on ballard for the dollhouse. Of course, I can't think of other examples, but there are more. They practically lead us with a leash right to the "plot twists". I hope this stops soon.

I wonder if Joss and the other creators don't know which crowd they're going for. Here's a hint for you: think firefly and not buffy. I know there was a fair bit of crossover in the two audiences, but there were a LOT of people who watched buffy who would never be caught dead watching firefly. This is a geeky show with a lot of grown-up themes, not a show about a hot chick who kicks ass... oh wait. I guess it's a little of both, but I think it's more on the geek and grownup side of things, and i think the creators are insulting us so far by making things so transparent.

That said, I like the concept, and the 6th episode was definitely better than the rest, just like Eliza said it would be. I haven't stopped watching yet, which is more than I can say for Heroes.

Breaking Bad:
Oh my FUCKING god. I have never seen a TV show like this. They make it a lot like they would an indy film as opposed to an episodic drama. Don't get me wrong, each episode has a beginning middle and end-- you don't go away from it feeling like it was incomplete -- but it never has a neat little bow. This show is absolutely brilliant.
Lemme stop gushing and explain the show and explain what I like.

In the first episode we meet Walt. Walt is a high school chemistry teacher, husband, father to a disabled teen and his wife is expecting a baby soon. Walt is soft spoken, works two jobs, and pretty much does whatever he's asked. One day we see him about hacking up a lung during the extra shift he is working at the carwash because someone didn't show up. Walt goes to the doctor who says "you have advanced lung cancer and not very long to live." Walt does what anyone would do... well, sort of. Walt has a mid-life crisis of sorts. The thing about Walt's midlife crisis is that it involves going on a ride-along with his brother-in-law who works for the DEA and then deciding, based on that, that he wants to hook up with one of his old drop-out students and cook meth. Yes.

What I like about is that I am always "with" Walt. They write it in such a way that you really get where he's coming from. You don't always agree with him, and you're not always sure you like him, but you get it. Which touches on another thing I really like. The characters are written in such a way that you don't always love them or always hate them. They're human and they're trying to get through life, and Walt's illness, the best way they know how. Which isn't always the best way... for anyone involved.

The production values and editing on this show are solid. In fact, the editing actually makes a huge difference. Like I said, this looks and feels more like an indy film than a TV series. I've felt that way since the first episode, but this season has been insane with the artistry and unconventionality. We haven't watched the third episode yet, and I hear it's even better than the first two. It's hard to believe that's even possible, but then again, I wouldn't have believed that it could get any better than first season and second season has seriously raised the bar.

The story is really compelling. They haven't done a ton of character development (I'm pretty sure that's intentional... I think there are some things we aren't supposed to know yet), but they've done enough that you care about what's going on, and I often find myself leaning forward on the edge of my seat... for a TV show. This is new. Tears for a TV show? sure. Calling the writers assholes and pouting for several minutes because of a cliffhanger or an unfortunate event? sure. Edge of my seat, biting my fingernails, holding my breath? Not for a TV show--Not before Breaking Bad.

Somehow they have managed to keep the plot surprising without the "oooh plot twist" factor, and keep you interested in a guy who's basically lost his mind and done about the most foolish thing he could possibly have done.

This show is nothing short of brilliant, and I don't care how much TV you're watching; drop something else if you have to, but watch this show. If you're not hooked from the first episode, I'll be amazed.

conversations heard in my car on the way home from a concert

2009-03-25T00:16:00.003-05:00

"I would like to point out that Amanda Palmer's crotch was 6 inches from my face."
"Yes, Chris, I know. Asshole... Although I was close enough to see the details on her corset. That's not bad."

Yes seriously, Amanda Fucking Palmer played Radiohead's creep on her ukulele as an encore and proceeded about halfway through to walk through the audience... She stopped at my table, stepped up on the chair next to my husband and then propped her other leg on the chair at the table next to him and sand a verse and a chorus or two in this position. And let me tell you, seeing her up close in a well-made corset and lacy bra, does not make her seem uglier by any means.

Holy Hell.

where the hell have you been vo0?

2009-03-22T23:11:00.003-05:00

hmm.. let's see... working on a dance to take to Panoply choreography competition, completing phase 1 of gardening (we're all sore and tired fromt his too), eating too much chocolate, ignoring the dog, working too hard as usual, and counting the seconds until Amanda Palmer comes here. Speaking of, she's been doing ticket givewaways a couple of hours before her shows. So, if anyone here is interested in going, but not interested enough to pay, you might be able to get free tickets if you follow her twitter.

Announcements! New jewelry site!

2009-02-27T00:47:00.004-06:00

I wanted to let you all know what I had been up to lately that was occupying so much of my time.
I am proud to announce The re-opening of Happy Hippy Jewlery at http://hippybeads.etsy.com and the opening of "Happy Hippy Happenings", the Happy Hippy Blog.
I am also proud to announce the grand opening of Artful Unity at http://artfulunity.etsy.com . Artful Unity is a new project I started to be able to create higher quality artisan jewelry. For an explanation, you can check out "Artful Elaborations", our lovely blog.
I am also very extraordinarily proud to announce... nothing else. ever.

Vo0 and Religion

2009-02-15T12:56:00.003-06:00

Remember way back when in Novemeber 08 when I went on my birthday trip/wine tour? I mentioned that I set foot in a church twice and have been meaning to post about it ever since, but have just never felt like I had adequate time.
The first time was for a memorial service for Crossroads House, a "comfort home" similar to a hospice house. My grandmother was there in the first few months of them being open, and they held a ten year anniversary memorial service this november. My mother, my aunt and I went. I was pleasantly surprised. In fact, it was quite beautifal and soothing. There was not a lot of religion brought up, and those things that were had no undertones of conversion or condemnation. It was kind of like a very large group greif counseling session. I was impressed by all the staff members, volunteers and speakers, how kind they were and how happy they seemed. They have one of the hardest jobs you could ever imagine and not only do they do it with a smile, they welcome back grieving family members with open arms to help them through their pain too. I don't see how they do it. I was in awe.

The second time I went to church, we were planning on going somewhere not too long afterward with my aunt, and I had found nothing else to do that morning because my cousin Renee' was busy, and everyone else was at church. They were trying to convince me to go, and my mom said "they sing a lot at your aunt's church" and my aunt said, "yeah, and it won't kill you to go." To which I just shrugged and said, I guess youre right. So, we went, and I sang and sang and sang. And one of the songs really touched me and enlightened me. It's a song called Hiding Place by new life worship. The lyrics talk about using god as a "hiding place" when times are tough. As I sung "I will run to the hiding place" at the tops of my lungs I realised something: I have a hiding place, and it is not, nor will it ever be a church or a god. My hiding place is creativity. If life drops a storm cloud on top of me, I don't look for a spiritual guide, or take comfort in the words of an ancient book, I go dance, I make jewelry, I choregraph something, I cook, I sing along with the radio or I improv in a room by myself. This is where I am happiest and most comfortable. Seeking comfort in the Christian God has always lead me to guilt for being human. Seeking comfort in dance and creativity has always led me to feeling better, improving my self esteem, and, usually, gaining insight on my problems.
For a long time, I have felt that "God is a DJ" by Faithless has been my theme song when it comes to religion. It says "this is my church, this is where I heal my hurts"... "For tonight god is a DJ". I realized in that moment in chuch that this is absolutely who I am, I have no desire to change, and there's nothing wrong with it. Many followers of various religions believe that you need god to survive. I believe that you need a hiding place, be it god, or art, or friends, and you need faith in something, be it god, horse races, or Pam anderson's breasts. My faith is in the ability of the human race to improve and to become more. The less I thinkabout it, the more I realize I am a classic secular humanist, and that being such, does no less than any good religious follower. So, I am going to continue being exactly who I am, and I encourage you to do the same. Find your hiding place, keep faith and hope strong, and don't let anyone tell you you're less of a person for what you believe.

Okay, yes I will hop down off the soapbox now.... I promise to make my next post about violence or sex lest you think I've lost my mind.

valetines and stuff

2009-02-15T00:06:00.002-06:00

Happy valentines day... okay technically it ended 7 minutes ago, but you should be glad i bothered to post at all.
Today I got a cute pink teddy bear, some ghirardhelli dark chocolate raspberry squares and a mp3 soundtrack of Coraline!
Today I also ate a very large waffle smothered in ungodly amount of syrup and then later had a big piece of "icebox cheesecake" (think cheesecake sandwiched between choclate cake despite the fact that I had to buy bigger sized pants two weeks ago... oh well.
We also watched once today and I HIGHLY reccommend it. It's an indy romance film about two talented musicians, who are actually talanted musicians... The actor and actress wrote all the original music in the film and performed everything themselves.... And it's some of the most raw and beautiful music i've ever heard. In fact, I was bad today. I just bought the soundtrack mp3's off of amazon about 10 minutes ago. We really don't have spare money, but I have to have those songs.
Well, that's all for now... talk to you fuckers later ;)

Coraline

2009-02-08T17:44:00.005-06:00

Lots has been going on, but it's a lot of it is chaotic, annoying or depressing, so I don't feel like talking about it right now. (although I did skip over some good stuff, So I should go back and post about that at some point)
What I do want to talk about is the movie Coraline. We went to get ice cream at Coldstone Creamery next to the Imark in alabaster and then went to see Coraline. I skipped doing a lot of fun stuff this weekend because of a lot of reasons, most of which have to wo with the first setence of my post, and I was very annoyed about this. However, I can say that I definiteively had a very good weekend. Coraline is a great movie. It's one of those movies like Labyrinth or Matilda or Princess Bride that is clearly family friendly but actually has elements of a good movie. The movie pulls you in from the start and gets you right into Coraline's world. The story is about a little girl who has what she would consider less than ideal parents and an alternate reality that she falls into where parents are perfect, there is always cake, and mothers sew you sweaters with stars on them rather than buying you grey school uniforms. I don't want to say much more because I don't want to give it away, but this is another brilliant piece of work both from Neil Gaiman and Henry Selik. So far, every well known movie written by Neil or based on a Neil Gaiman novel has been a brilliant bridge between the land of "child friendly" and truly engaging, high quality movies. Neil does for movies what Lauri Berkner does for music.
Whether you have kids, are a kid at heart, or are a curmudgeonly 30 year old who just wishes the neighborhood kids would "get off his lawn", you should absolutely go see this.
Also,if you like Coraline, or any of the movies I mentioned above, you should check out Mirrormask. Great writing, a great abstract fantasy art style, and amazing puppetry from the henson company: you couldn't ask for much more.
Another note: While Neil's movies have tended to be family friendly (the ones i know about anyways), not all of his books are. Coraline is a great older children's or preteens book, and stardust would be great for an adolescent or high schooler, but keep "American Gods" to read yourself. This should go without saying, but make sure you preview books before you give them to your kids.

what is vo0 doing now?

2008-12-27T02:12:00.002-06:00

Q: What are you doing vo0?

A: I'm up at 2 am working on a project for a party, eating triscuits straight from the box and drinking milk with a questionable "goodness" level.

Q: Um... why?

A: I am up at 2 am working on a project because once I started working on it, I didn't feel like cursing, screaming and going back to bed, and this is one of the few times I haven't felt that way in the last few days.

Q: And why do I care about the triscuits and milk?

A: You don't, but this is a ridiculously interesting story. I ate so many kisses and candy cane kisses and peanut butter blossoms and pie pieces tonight that I have an aversion to sweets. Seriously, if I eat something sweet, it makes me make a lemon face. It's been about 3 hours since I had anything sweet at all and I just tried to eat a cinnamon muffin and threw it out after two excruciating bites.

This year's real santa letter

2008-12-25T22:01:00.002-06:00

Santa,
I don't know how you did it, but you read my mind last year. I asked you for help walking my dog and getting my former students down for a nap, but what I really wanted was for mom to feel better, for my husband and I to have stable jobs and stable housing, and for my Dad to realize how important our silly shopping trip at the end of the year is. I got it all. Thank you.
Since you’re so good at fulfilling wishes, this year I expect that I will become a better chef than Emeril Lagasse, one day I will wake up and my house will be a gigantic castle filled with butterflies and purple glitter, My husband will write publish and article in JAMA on me being a medical miracle because I am so brilliant and creative, and in the morning, I will come downstairs and be greeted by a hippopotamus named ahboo with that tornado of fur we call a pet never to be found again.
Thanks in advance,
your favorite hippie princess,
Vo0

There was no reply this year due to this being printed out and since "santa" was staying here for Christmas and he came downstairs after I did.

i want to curse but i already cursed at my family enough...

2008-12-25T08:42:00.001-06:00

.... so, i'll just sullenly say, "murry chrustmus"

prequel to the letter to santa, 2008

2008-12-24T22:32:00.002-06:00

Last year, I couldn't come up with a good Santa letter, so I wrote one about what I was really feeling and it helped me get my thoughts straight enough to do a good letter to Santa. This year, I haven't been focused enough to come up with anything, so I'm going to do the same thing and see if it helps.

Santa,
I don't know how you did it, but you read my mind last year. I asked you for help walking my dog and getting my former students down for a nap, but what I really wanted was for mom to feel better, for my husband and I to have stable jobs and stable housing, and for my Dad to realize how important our silly shopping trip at the end of the year is. I got it all. Thank you.

This year what I want is to be able to do my job well. I want people to understand that I can't do a lot of things, but I'm willing to do anything I can to help you -- whoever you are. I would give almost anything not to make dumb mistakes that cause problems at work. Santa, I have to find a way to stay there-- It's where my heart is.

I also want to be better dog mommy. Most of the time, I just wish that annoying ball of fur would take care of himself or run away to magicdoggieland or something... but he doesn't deserve a mommy who thinks like that.

I want to be a better wife. I bitch about things that are unimportant and say nothing about the things that are. Sometimes, I like conflict for the sake of conflict. My husband doesn't deserve that.

I want SOMEONE to understand that there are some things I am not wired to do-- like error free data entry or remembering to turn of the ligths and lock the doors all the time every time.

I want to not feel like throwing things and hurting people during holiday meals and other gatherings. It seems like no matter what I do, and how I try to scale back, someone ends up getting yelled at. My family and friends don't deserve to be spoken to hurtfully and I don't deserve the stress that leads up to it.

I want to lose my 15 pounds back. Preferably without going back to weight watcher's. Just help me remember what I did then and maybe it will work again.

I also want to stop calling myself a fatso every time i look in the mirror. In fact, can I please just once see a beautiful person... not someone who is too fat or too skinny or who's hair is the wrong length... just plain ol me. In fact, I don't even have to be amazed, I just want to see the real me.... not a different me every day.

And santa, thank you for all the fun I've had this year. I have a unique and amazing job, a husband who's occasionally good at something, lots of good close friends who I don't have to hide from, great dance classes, lots of good food, and tons of amazing opportunities. Thank you.

Christmas with vo0

2008-12-24T22:26:00.003-06:00

Turkey? nope
Leftovers? nope
dirty house despite hours of cleaning? check
Sick husband? check
Consuming mass quantities of sweets despite constantly berating myself for being overweight? check
Holiday Meltdown involving cursing at family members? Check
Understanding family who doesn't threaten to take away my presents despite that I don't deserve a bit of them? *sigh* check.

omgthatwasthebusiest3weeksever

2008-12-22T20:42:00.002-06:00

I didn't realize until i started telling my mother-in-law what had been happening, but I have had a lot of interesting stuff going on lately.
On the 5th, work had an open house where we let people from the community come in a schmooze and we had little stations set up that explained what we do and we had extravagant food and wine and we had little donation jars set up everywhere, and I actually surprised the hell out of myself. If, you don't know this, I don't know where the hell you've been, but I'm as shy as the day is long, and even more introverted. So, at open house it was my job, along with another CM to stand in her office and tell those who came in what it was that we did.... and I did it.... Nicely and without hesitation. It was fun! I wanted to hide in a corner for the next 2 days, but the open house was what counted, and I handled it well :)

At said open house, magic city chorus mens and women's choirs performed and managed to get about the highest compliment any musican can get from me... closed eyes and a huge smile. They were very good, especially considering a. they do no auditions, screenings, etc. and b. the girls have been together only about 2 months now. I talked to the director at another work related christmas function and he's about as sweet as he can be, and he knows my old choir director from high school, which means he knows his shit as much as it seemed like based on their performance. So... I may end up singing for them... It kind of depends on my schedule.

The next week we had our board party at which I did manage to force myself to have a couple of conversations, but I did not do as swimmingly as at the open house. The board party was fun though because of great food and smiling faces (and that's where I talked to the aforementioned choral director). We have an amazing group of people as board members and staff... it's such a great community.

On that friday, I managed to remove my driver's side car mirror by using this neat trick with leverage and speed and narrow garages. Later that day, we had the staff party at the director's house. Everyone was open and friendly, but no one expected you to mingle opr behave a certain way.. thank god. We all got each other presents, and, I must say, we're all good gift givers. I got a box of what I have been told is extroadinarly decadent chocolate... it may make it's debut at the wine party, if I can stay out of it that long.

That Saturday was my dance performance which was an absolute blast. We did great and, of course, got massive amounts of applause... my husband and my friends said that our dances were the best 2 in the show (personally, I liked one of the modern pieces).

That next week brought funding issues/changes at work which caused me to have a migraine tuesday. Tuesday night, my husband and I went to "Avenue Q" for free because they did a fundraiser for my agency and comped us some tickets. Even though I know all the songs from Avenue Q because my husband fell in love with the soundtrack a couple of years ago, it stillmanaged to be unpredictable and HILARIOUS. There were tears in my eyes most of the itme and I almost came out of my chair 2 or 3 times... and the main girl who did the singing had a hell of a voice. Weds started christmas distrubution for the agency... it was chaos, but it would have been much worse without our wonderful volunteers and our amazing front desk person. Despite all the changes and the lower amount of gifts due to the lower amount of funding, most of the clients were great... a few were upset, but I think it was genuine need and not selfishness that was driving them, for the most part.

This past weekend, we went up to huntsville and saw some friends and caught a hockey game. While we were visint some of said friends, ahboo the wonder dog decided to run away from his nana, which meant we had to leave said friends to go retrieve him *rolleyes*.
Also while we were up there, dad and I did our annual shopping trip to buy mom's christmas presents. The shopping part went pretty easily and didn't take much time, but we sat and Lenny's and had a great many discussions about dogs and work and life, and it was fabulous... I don't think most people could understand how important this silly little day is to me, but I think daddy finally does.

Now, hubby and I are off for 2 weeks straight. YAY!

come see me dance!

2008-12-12T07:54:00.002-06:00

I am dancing in Freeform at Children's Dance Foundation tomorrow at 7 and I want as many fans in the audience as possible! The news post suggests reserving tickets, and my teacher said it's probably a good idea.

You may be thinking "Vo0, why are you posting at 8:35 in the morning? you should be driving or working." How perceptive of you! I'm at home.
Now you might be thinking "Vo0 why are you at home at 8:35 on a workday?" Well, it has little something to do with narrow garages and car mirrors and inept female drivers. We'll just leave it at that shall we? Oh, and, shhh, don't tell my husband.

yep.

2008-12-11T23:21:00.002-06:00

I'm still here.

okay, but seriously. I actually have a few things to write about but no time to do it. Between after hours functions at work and dancing in a show, I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I always run around like a chicken with my head cut off at Christmas. The goal this year (as it has been for the last 3 years) is to not turn into Lois Griffin. For the last three years I have felt like screaming at everyone about how Christmas comes out of my holly jolly ass and no one appreciates the effort I put into it. Actually everyone appreciates the effort but they have no idea why i push myself to do so much stuff that I end up wanting to scream. So, I'm trying not to.... but it's hard not to bake everything in the cookbook, and make every craft ever, and go to every event ever. So far, we're okay. I *think* if I make it through the weekend, it will be smooth sailing throughout... Although that kind of depends on some things at work... which could actually get VERY ugly.

frustrating.,,,

2008-11-17T22:54:00.002-06:00

Okay. I have ADD. Most of you know this. It's not something I hide, and it's definitely something that shapes my daily behaviour. For the most part, the people I know believe in ADD and belive me when I say i have it. NO ONE will believe me when I say I can't do something that most people can do. They try to figure out what the problem is and help me solve it. IF I KNEW, or even had the slightest clue WHY I can't do fucking data entry, there wouldn't be a problem. I am an expert at finding solutions to al the bizarre little problems that come with being me. In this case, all I know is it doesn't matter what I do, all my data entry has tons of errors and no one believes me that it's possible that I can't fix it.
Believe me, if someone said that shooting heroine while naked and standing on my head would make me able to do my job... i would do it. I am at my wit's end and I just want to do a good job.

To add to it, I just read a bunch of posts on an adult ADD forum which sound a lot like mine... all of which end in getting fired, getting on medication (which i am already on), or getting a new job. *sigh*.

Why can't you try a new medication vo0?
I probably should go back to the doctor and therapist, but time is not something we have a lot of in this job and it is not easy to get an hour or two off to go to the doctor... at least not without feeling guilty for abandoning your co-workers... Being one person short in that job SUCKS and pleaces a lot of extra demands on someone else... even if there is time set aside for you to go to the doctor (or whatever). But you're right, vo0 does need to go back to the doc and possibly the therapist.

Why can't you get a new job vo0? A. I like the place where I work because they're generally encouraging and willing to work with me, except for not believing that I can't do better with data entry... And, Like I said, no one believes me on that one--work people, friends, no one.
B. Tell me one job where data entry isn't critically important C. Tell me one job in alabama where they don't try to fit you into a mold. This is the only one I've had that doesn't. Sure, they want me to do quick and accurate data entry, when I'm really not good at that, but they don't expect me to pretend that sex doesn't exist, that people aren't different, that I'm not the goofy, creative, verbose human being that I am, and they don't expect me to do 203982093489348209348 different things that I am not good at. They're asking me to do a few things I'm good at and one I'm DISMAL at. I actually surprised the hell out of myself: It was "a few things I'm good at and two I'm DISMAL at" (the two primary functions of my job), and one day, one of those things just clicked, and I realized I was doing it. I used to run behind on my appointments very frequently and never be able to get caught up. I don't usually run behind anymore, when I do it's usually due to an external force (people showing up late, computers going down, etc.) , and if I do... I'll be caught up within three appts. I pray every day that this happens with data entry... one day it will click and I will be able to do it with speed every time with a MINIMAL NUMBER OF ERRORS every time.... but i think the click is never going to happen. There's nothing that's going to make it click like appts. The appt speed issue clicked when I had to sign everyone up for christmas... I ran behind that whole month. But when the extra stuff went away, I was no longer running behind all the time, whereas before christmas sign-ups, I had been.

Yes, I'm being a whiny bitch and it probably seems like i'm fishing for sympathy. I'm not. Just someone tell me that you believe me when I say I'm trying my best and I've tried almost everything and I just can't do better, even if what you're saying is a lie.

the birthday trip/wine tour

2008-11-10T21:54:00.003-06:00

This weekend I went to New York for the wine tour again. It was a really busy weekend. The condensed version is that I set foot in a church twice in one weekend, ate out a lot drank an ass ton of wine, laughed at a lot of crude comments and lewd stories told on the bus, saw a Batavia, NY local stage production of "Singin' in the rain" and got to meet my adorable 9 month old cousin William. No birthday cake this year and no bus full of people singing me happy birthday, but there were brownies with peanut butter cups and lots of laughter.

My husband gave me a lot more money this year, with the directive to spend it! The answer to "how fast can vo0 spend $280" is "oh, about 6 hours." Yes. I said $280 in six hours. I was directed A. not to worry about the price of things B. to buy what I wanted and C. to get a lot more wine than last year because we had to buy extras for the party. Done, done and done. I even got you snobby assholes some drier stuff too. Actually, I was very surprised to find several things with a residual sugar of 2% or less that I actually liked. It was actually a very positive experience to try some of that stuff. Last year all the dry stuff I tried made me pucker up like a lemon. We went to a different set of wineries this year, and, overall, I liked the wines we tasted at these places better. The only disappointment was the lack of ice wine. I think the weather didn't cooperate for people to be able to make the ice wines, but there were plenty of late harvest wines, and all other manner of dessert and sweeter wines. So there was still plenty for me to be giddy about.

I learned a lot of things about religion, about how families react to marriages breaking up (William's dad is leaving his mom), and wine. But mostly I learned that my mother is getting saucy in her old age. She has a friend who is "explicit" (my mother's words) and a therapist who is open and straight forward. So now I have a mother that says things that are disturbing to hear from your mother. We shall leave it at that because, believe me, you don't want to know. Yes, *I* am opting not to put something in my blog because it's too disturbing. Think about that one for a minute.

anyways, it was fun, and I will probably be posting more specifics about some of the things that i breezed by before. Expect to see evites in the next m onth or so for the party... I think we're doing january again this year

????!

2008-10-30T06:42:00.002-05:00

Something happened to me today that has never happened before.
I went into my supervisor's supervisor's office and address some issues with her that I had had with the way she did things. This is never easy for me to do because I hate confrontation and would prefer just to adjust myself to make things work around someone else if possible. In this situation it wasn't a good idea because 1. the issues stem from her reaction to mistakes I can't seem to stop making no matter how hard I try and 2. we function more like a family than your typical workplace since we're so small. We discussed my issues and she really listened and said she would try to watch what she was saying now that she knew how it affects me. We discussed my job and she asked me what I thought about doing some intakes and updates and letting the person who normally does those take on some food appointments. Many days I feel like I am a glorified CSR and data entry clerk. Primarily what i do is get people in the offie, chit chat while I'm filling out forms, get them their stuff and get them out of there. At the end of the day I enter everything I did into the cdomputer system. She knows this and said that she wanted to ask me about doing other types of appointments because she doesn' think that the position wuld be very fulfilling for me. So, let me re-cap. I had a boss offer to change my job duties so that I could be fulfilled in a job. WHAT?! Anywhere else I worked, the conversation would have been about how I need to improve my performance and possible ways I can do that and end in signing a work contract or an improvement plan. More or less "we think you're a nice person and you want to do well, but you're going to have to improve quickly or we're going to tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." There would have been no "I think it would be more fulfilling for you to do something else, so I'm going to change your job duties". So, assuming this happens (i have no reason to belive it wont... although it might be a slow process), I think I love my job again ;)

the job quandary

2008-10-05T21:01:00.002-05:00

Okay well, the job... people ask me how I like it. That's so not an easy question anymore. There are so many days where if someone said one critical thing to me, I probably would tell them to fuck themselves and then walk out. The job can be absolutely brutal. I see people every 15 minutes all day long. This means that if someone takes 20 minutes, I am behind. I usually stay behind or get further behind until someone decides not to show up. If everyone shows up, I'm behind until lunch. If I'm behind enough at lunch, I may not get to eat. If I get behind after lunch, I may not have enough time to enter my case notes into the computer system before closing. If I don't get that done, then I have to stay late and/or come in early. It is strongly preferred that we finish before we leave. Some days, I stay until sun down and then come back at 7:15 am. Some days when I come in at 7:15, I get behind during the day and end up having to stay until 6. I did this three times in the last week.

Since I have 15 minute appts all day, it doesn't take much to upset the rhythm of the day. If the printer jams while I'm trying to print something that a client needs, it can throw me off for half a day. If the database is down for any period of time, it could throw me off for half a day or more. If something in the database isn't working, it could make an appointment longer than usual, and get me behind, which could result in being off for half a day, not eating lunch, staying late, and all those lovely things i just mentioned. If certain things in the database aren't working for a period of days or weeks, it can put you behind on your entry, which means late nights and/or early mornings to get caught up. The other workers do weekends. I refuse because i have a 45 minute drive and that uses lot of gas, which is not cheap these days.

If I were a casual observer reading this blog, I would wonder why the hell this person was even considering staying at this job. It seems obvious that it's a terrible match and that i'll just continue being frustrated for as long as I am there.

Here's the thing. If I express my frustration with the process, people *try* to give me ideas to help me, or to improve the process. Many places would have fired me at this point, due to the fact that I have such a hard time keeping up during the day and that I make a lot of careless mistakes in my data entry that take someone else a lot of time to fix, among other things. It sometimes seems like these guys dont even look at that as an option. If I'm having an issue, they try to calm me down and then give me suggestions for how to fix the issue or how to look at the issue differently. If suggestions don't work, we re-visit the process. I have had 2 schedule changes now due to feedback I've given my co-workers. Other suggestions i've made about case management have been implemented. Even if we don't implement something, we usually at least discuss it in staff meeting. It's not that often that I hear "I don't want to do that, next!" when I bring something up in staffing. On the occasions that I do, If I ask for justification, I get it. They're constantly trying to make the while process better, especially the database and the entering of case notes. In fact, there are some changes afoot that might make my job go a lot faster and easier, and cut out a lot of those late nights and early mornings. Although, I'm not sure when those changes are coming.

In addition to all that, I love the atmosphere. It's a very open, very come as you are environment. Everyone's happy with you as you are, gay, straight, tense, detailed, laid back, whatever; it's all good. They welcome diversity and embrace different strengths. Our executive director draws during committee meetings and has a magnet sculpture she plays with while she's on the phone. Being around her actually gives me hope that I can do something more if I ever want to. I always drew during class and meetings and got called out for it, but I was always paying attention. It's very encouraging to meet someone who has similar affectations and needs to you who's doing well in life.

Most of the week, I was ready to write up my resignation letter at the drop of a hat and was dreading this weekend because we had our big AIDS walk fundraiser and had to be at work saturday and sunday. The week was brutal, but luckily I had a lot of clients not show up friday, So I got caught up pretty well. Saturday turned out not to be a big deal, especially since I showed up an hour later on accident. Today, I had a lot of fun. Yes, I carried tables and set up tents and picked up trash in the lovely alabama heat, but I met someone who likes to bake as much as I do, I went to lunch and got to know some co-workers who I didn't really know that well, I got to meet a lot of adorable dogs, I got to watch my supervisor and some friends do the electric slide, I got to hear live music, and I got to eat a tasy home made raspberry bar, to name a few things. Best of all, I got to do all this as me. There was no pretending to be someone I'm not or trying my ass off to do something I just don't have the affinity for.

On days like today, I wouldn't trade my job for the world, and it seems like they try to keep a steady flow of those types of days going. In addition to fundraiser events, we have client events and staff development days (which are surprisingly good for the "come as you are" factor).
Let's see, what else is good about my job... It's casual. We wear jeans, curse and don't bat an eyelash when someone mentions sex. In fact, a large part of what we do as an agency is related to sex. We have condoms in ample supply and encourage people to take them. We don't pretend that sex doesn't exist.

As you may recall, on of my major objections to working in alabama was the issue of people trying to pretend that sex either didnt exist or was evil. Another one was having to pretend to be someone I'm not. So, in some very fundamental respects, this is the best job I've ever had, and in others, it's the most brutal and most frustrating.

The FOUR List

2008-09-28T20:48:00.003-05:00

This an email my mom sent me, but I thought it might be interesting to post the results here.

A) Four places that I go to over and over: Work, Dance, Whole foods, Publix
B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): My mother, My husband, My father and My Aunt
C) Four favorite places to eat: Ted's Montana Grill, Frankie's Market Cafe, Wright Dairy Ice Cream, Daylight Donuts
D) Four places I would rather be right now: Beach, Dance, Bead Store, Thrift Store
E) Four people I think will respond: N/A
F) Four TV shows I watch: Breaking Bad, Dexter, Pushing Daisies and Mythbusters

well... his reality's deinfitely not the same as mine...

2008-08-31T19:31:00.002-05:00

If you've been on the internet for very long, you've probably heard of the "time cube" website. If not, basically a very angry individual essentially "yells" at you and tells you that your idea of linear time and single existence is evil and stupid while spewing racist ideals and all kinds of great insulting names. Honest Bob and the factory to dealer incentives even made a song about it. Why am I talking about this nonsense? I was looking at the website because i wanted to see how closely it matched the song lyrics, and I found a couple of gems i thought you would enjoy:

"...but instead worship a queer
jew who claims to make people
out of dirt - when the body is 90
percent water. "

"If god is your father, your mother is a whore."

yeah, that's all i got. sorry 8-P

you showed me yours, i'll show you mine: part 4

2008-08-25T19:08:00.000-05:00

My husband posted about his favorite rock band songs for every instrument, so I figured I'd post the same. This won't be as boring as you think if you're reading both posts: our picks aren't very similar.

Bass:

"Shake" by count Zero
"Here comes your man" by the pixies
"Dead" by the pixies
"Red Tandy" by the mother hips
"Siva" by Smashing pumpkins

guitar: that's the thing that like the bass but makes all those screechy noises, right?

Vocals:

"Call me" by Blondie
"Hysteria" by muse
"Roam" by the B52's
"Franklin's tower" by the greatful dead
"Dani California" by the red hot chili peppers
"maps" by the yeah yeah yeahs

Drums:
uhhhhh

Since there's a lack of information under some of those instruments, I thought I'd add something:

List of songs I'd love to see in rock band/rock band 2 but probably never will

"Pot Kettle Black" by tilly and the wall (yeah, given that my husband and I are one of the few people who even know who they are, I'm gonna say this one is never going to be a possibility)
"Be invisible" by EatLiz (even less people know them than Tilly and the Wall)
"Not a Virgin" and "Trigger Happy Jack" by Poe (how could they pick garbage and hole but overlook Poe?)
"Bulls on Parade" by rage against the machine (rally round the family)
"Kissing Families" by Silversun Pickups (they're in rock band 2, but this is an older song of theirs that probably not enough people would know)
"Take me out" or ANYTHING by Franz Ferdinand ("The Dark of the matinee" comes to mind as well)
"Welcome to the Jungle" and "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns & Roses
"Voodoochile Blues", "Fire", "Red house", and "purple Haze" by jimi hendrix (okay fine, anything by Hendrix that's not crosstown traffic)
And actually, some people may call me a blasphemous whore for this, but I would totally be cool with the Stevie Ray Vaughan version of Vo0do0chile blues
"In the sunshine of your love" by cream
"Hey you" by pink floyd
"Stairway to heaven" by zeppelin

margaret HOLY SHIT cho

2008-08-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

Stardome brought margaret cho in and they're giving $2 of every ticket to my ASO (my job). Since they were nice enough to do this for us, the boss asked as many people as possible to go and reserved 3 tables. Chris and I went, and... I can't decide what was better: her calling Jesus a "bottom"; her impression of a gay man eating pussy, the "eat me out" song she sang at the end, or the part of the show when she bared her back so we could all see her glorious tattoos.

random favorites

2008-07-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

1. favorite chocolate chips - Sunspire semi-sweet organic chocolate chips. These blow nestle's out of the water and I would put them up against girardehli any day.
2. favorite blog - The Bovine Bugle. Yes, i know it's a blog about cows. Yes, it's interesting. Seriously, it's a blog by a farmer on one of the farms that supplies to stonyfield yogurt. I can't say why it's entertaining to read about maple syrup production and shoring up fences so cows don't run away, but it is.
3. favorite new band - Eat Liz. My husband found them on The Sixty one, a great little indy music site. It's different from the others, but I'm lazy and you can read.
4. favorite banana bread/muffin recipe - Banana Crunch Muffins from kraft. I made 2 modifications: 1. I used all whole wheat pastry flour and 2. (this is the important one) I used grape nuts trail mix cranberry crunch instead of regular grape nuts. This was, hands down the best banana muffin I've ever had. I would say "banana bread" except that a recipe this low in fat doesn't cook all the way through if you do it in a loaf pan.
5. favorite choreographer/teacher - Margie Cole. Honestly, I have never seen a performance by her because I always have some excuse about time or money (I miss about every dance performance there is because of this), but I've taken classes from her twice and they're my favorite, hands down. I've taken lots of master classes from people on all levels in all disciplines of dance (tap, jazz, modern, ballet, lyrical and even belly dance), and she blows them all away--even Savion Glover's brother.
6. favorite dessert recipe - chocolate lava cakes. It speaks for itself.

An interesting twist

2008-06-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure when or why Pixar switched from a company who makes cute, technologically advanced film about toys and super heroes to a company who makes gorgeous movies about dying Americana and the wastefulness of the human race, but I like it. WALL-E definitely featured the best animation I've ever seen in any application (a lot of it barely even looked rendered). The plot was cute, but not ridiculous, and it managed to tackle some major issues. All without any real dialogue for about an hour of the movie.... which actually really added to the charm and realism of the movie. Even if you don't like animated flicks, you should go see this one. Pixar movies usually entertain me from start to finish, but this one had me absolutely entranced. There were several spots where I was on the edge of my seat, and a few where I was misty-eyed... from a cartoon. They did an amazing job, and I hope it goes up for a few awards this year.

why?

2008-06-28T01:15:00.000-05:00

Vo0, why are you up at 1 in the morning, you may ask?
I'm making a cake. What else would I be doing? except maybe making jewelry or bitching up a storm, of course. I would show you pictures of the cake, but my mini usb cables are all hiding from me. That's okay, i want to take one more after we cut it anyways :)

see ya

2008-05-30T23:50:00.001-05:00

moving tomorrow. see you bitches in a week or two when we get net in the new house.

words should go here but i dont know what to say

2008-05-11T23:36:00.000-05:00

um...

unusual but awesome

2008-05-08T22:44:00.000-05:00

So I was walking in wal-mart with a scowl on my face mumbling something under my breath because it was 7 on a thursday and i was out buying cleaning supplies so i could go home and wipe the counters down before i got down on my hands and knees to srub the awful kitchen floors when this woman i've never seen before touched me on the shoulder and said "you should always smile, you're really pretty." I wasn't sure whether i should question her sanity or give her a big hug, So i just said "thank you" instead.

holy crap... some people jsut have too much time on their hands

2008-05-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

if you think that this is cool. Wait 'til you see this.
wow.

Come out Come otu wherever you are...

2008-05-05T06:53:00.000-05:00

My husband and I are now on the hunt for the perfect house to buy. We were going to rent, but we figured out very quickly that a good rental house in the neighborhoods we wanted to be in would cost us more than a mortgage, so we decided to try to buy instead. I'll spare you all the mundane details of financing and all that nonsense, but I wanted to show you the top three of the ones we went to see with the Realtor yesterday.

This one's in Chelsea (near where we live now). It's probably my third place if we don't take into account location or pricing.

This one's in Helena, which is a nice area, but it's a ways out from where both of us work, although it's very convenient to the highway. The cool thing about this one is that the current residents finished off a little attic space and made it into like a guitar studio/music room... which we could use for the same thing or I could use for a craft room. This is probably my first place not taking price or location into account.

This one's in alabaster, which is a long ways from anything except alabaster (actually it's not too far from the helena/pelham area). There's plenty of civilization in the alabaster area, which was one of my big concerns. This is a very close second if we don't take location and price into consideration.

If we had to buy one of those three right now, I'd probably be happy. But since we don't, Were going to go look at about 8 more houses next weekend because I'm sure the realtor wants to do nothing more than spend another 4.5 hours with us on a weekend. Hopefully we can either make a decision or get it narrowed down far enough that we just need to visit two or three one more time before we make the decision. I'll keep you posted.

since my life is boring, i'll post about movies

2008-05-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

Whitey and I have a subscription to netflix, and we watch a fuckton of movies sometimes. We watch a lot of things that the average person has not heard of, and some of them are definitely worth a look. Here's a few we've seen over the years that bear mentioning:
Love me if you dare: It's a french subtitled flick... oh go read the damn description already. Definitely worth a watch, and it's a great date night movie.

Punch Drunk Love: This is one of the strangest movies I've ever seen, and one of the best. For those of you who clicked on the link and went "oh, an Adam Sandler movie", you couldn't be further from right. Adam Sandler is indeed in the movie, but this is parsecs away from your usual goofy, slapstick comedy or goofy romantic comedy. It's a romantic drama with a quirky and violent sense of humor and... well fuck it's hard to describe.

The Darjeeling Limited:
This is the most recent in Wes Andersen's Short but brilliant career as a writer/director. A lot of people said this didn't live up to their expectations, but this is my favorite Wes Andersen film. If you're not familiar with Wes Andersen's work, think of a quirky version of reality where Owen Wilson actually fits in and makes sense. I can't stand Owen Wilson in any movie except Wes Andersen movies. In your average movie, Owen makes my skin crawl; I want to walk up and hit him in the face with a two by four for being a quirky, ridiculous dumbass. In Wes Andersen's movies, he is exactly the kind of quirky, ridiculous dumbass that carries the movie and makes the whole fucking thing work. Go figure.

The life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: Another one of Wes Andersen's bizarre and brilliant movies. This one is about Some guys at sea searching after a mystical tiger shark or something. Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, Wes Andersen's premises almost never do. Apparently they don't have to.

Bottle Rocket: Yep, I'm all about kissing Wes' ass today. This is his first movie. It's about... I don't know what the fuck it's about. All I know was when I saw the opening credits I said "Oh my god, two Wilsons in the same fucking movie? This is going to be awful!" and It was ridiculously entertaining.

Run Lola Run: This is a Funky and bizarre movie that highlights how the slightest change in timing or the littlest decision can affect anything and everything in your life. It is short, fast paced, has a girl with pink hair, and a has great soundtrack.

Amelie: This is one of those brilliant and odd little films you don't easily forget. Amelie is about a strange young lady who likes observing behavior in people but hates interacting the conventional sense and how she eventually finds her place in the world.

That's all for now :)

now it's time for one of those posts that my friends owuld call "entertaining"

2008-05-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

It is 3 am. I am awake. Why am I awake you might ask? Because the stress and running around cause by the combination of incompetent office staff who motherfucking double book clubhouses that residents went through the proper fucking channels to reserve, and throwing the motherfucker blowout of all baby showers has caused the entities that live in my muscles in my feet and legs to mutiny.

I laid down to sleep around 11:30 and passed out pretty solidly. Only to be woken up about a half hour later by a cramp in my arch. I stood up to remedy said cramp and the fairies on the tops of my feet decide to wack me with their magic wands which caused the muscles to clench up to the point that my toes on one of my feet were no longer together in quite the same position they had been. So I roll my ankle around to loosen up those muscles and the little elves inside my calves all punch me at the same time. somehow I manage to quiet all the mythical creatures in my legs. I lay back down and a half hour later the demons in my arches stick their lovely little pokers in my muscles again. Rinse. Repeat... 5-10 times between 11:30 and 2 am. Seriously.

At 2 am, I decided to give up trying to appease the faeries and demons and just fucking drown them. Took a nice hour long bath during which I had minimal problems. Go to get out of the tub and apparently demons don't drown. But MAYBE... everything else did and I can get some fucking sleep.
see you assholes in the morning. ;)

You showed me yours, i'll show you mine, part 3 or "I'm not a parent, but i like to think i know more than most parents do"

2008-04-03T00:43:00.000-05:00

This blog is me usually spouting some nonsense about something I probably know nothing about and pretending like I am God's gift to whoever needs the "information" I'm giving out. Today I am God's gift to parents (and those who would be buying them gifts) who are shopping for a new baby. And yes, I do realize that my timing is amazing because most of my friends have already had their showers and/or their kids. Oh yeah, you should check out my friend David's list, because he brings up some good things that I don't here, and because he actually really is a parent and not someone who pretends to be one on occasion when she needs the money.
Boppy:
A breastfeeding pillow that can be used for breastfeeding, bottle feeding, laying young babies down on the floor (gives them stability and holds their head above their feet), and even propping up the book you're enjoying while the baby is asleep (which helps you keep good posture). Honestly, I've heard mixed reviews of these because some people feel like they just get in the way. I personally cannot live without them when I work in infant 1.
Bumbo Seat: A seat that makes it so even very young babies can sit up. This is great for babies of all ages. It gives the little ones, time sitting up and looking at the world around them, and as they get older, they can do fun things like sit up and feed themselves (once they learn how to hold the bottle).
Bouncy Seat:These things are lovely for calming babies down, getting them to sleep, entertaining young babies, and keeping them contained for a while.
It Swings Both Ways DUDE! Okay, lame jokes aside, this is a great baby swing. You can switch it to swing both side to side and front to back, and this model has a cute little spinning mobile with music. The music on this one is actually kind of cool compared with other mobiles, and even if it drives you nuts, babies seem to dig the midi file quality music you get from mobiles and such.
I know fuck all about bottles. And anyways, each baby had their own distinct style and way of feeding, and it really seemed to be more up to the need/style of the kid and the parents. Pacifiers are the same way.
Sippy Cups: There are a few that i like, so here are the ones I dig the most after having worked with them. I dig them because they're easier for the munchkins to hold, they're durable, and they have a good valve/lid system. In my opinion, the valve/lid system is essential to a good sippy cup because it helps prevent spills if the kid decides to shake the cup or something. If it doesn't have a valve, it needs to have a lid design that would make it difficult to throw milk everywhere.
Nuby;
handles, no valve, good lid design
Nuby; handles, no valve, good lid design
Playtex; No handles, valve and good lid design
Playtex; Handles, valve and good lid design

Bibs:
for younger ones, a soft terry cloth bib of any kind will work just fine, because the bib will pretty much be acting as a burp cloth that's always attached to the baby. You don't want anything too fancy because it will just get ruined anyways.
For older infants and Toddlers, the best thing since sliced bread are bibs with BIG pockets.
I personally prefer the kind that have snap pockets that are nice and deep. Of course, I can't locate my favorite kind on the web, but these look nice l and are a product of a smaller business (instead of wal-mart, like the kind I'm used to). These are also good and easy to wash off, but the fastener on these is actually a little loose and don't stay together as well as snaps

Music:
let me say that I personally find a lot of children's music fucking annoying, so I'll try to only make recommendations of albums that will get on your nerves the 500th time instead of the 3rd.

They might be Giants, a long time favorite of both me and my husband, have put out four children's albums now. We both think they're good, musically viable albums, but they also happened to be geared towards children (the 123's is the only one I haven't heard)

Laurie Berkner. I have only heard her album "Buzz, Buzz", but if her other albums are half as good, then you should buy every last one. I would honestly put Buzz, Buzz on my mp3 player if it wouldn't get me a lot of strange looks. Her style reminds me a lot of Indigo Girls, but it's very child appropriate. I am still mourning the loss of our classroom copy of this CD, which broke a few months ago.

Catch the moon by Lisa Loeb. This is a soft playtime or naptime CD of classic children's songs as done by the lovely ms. Lisa Loeb. I have always been a fan of Lisa's style, and this has a nice, soothing sound, without being dull or lethargic (as sleepytime children's CD's often can be).

Chickens on vacation by Rick Charette. I found this one at the public library when I was teaching aerobics to preschoolers. This CD definitely has a more "kid oriented" sound, but it is very much still musically viable, and a lot groovier than most kids CDs.

Yummy Yummy by the Wiggles. This is by far the classroom favorite and has been for at least two classes now. It is more kid oriented and less musically complicated than the other Cd's I listed here, but it's fun, it's not annoying until at least the 200th time, it's got some good lessons in it, and the kids go fucking nuts over it.

Oh, I should explain what I mean by "musically viable". Well, I think that good music has certain elements, such as originality, variety, catchiness, style, etc. I believe that these albums have those elements and I'm not just saying they're "good" because the kiddos/teachers like them.

So um this um... yeah, this is all :)

I forgot to mention that part where I was a fucking moron and smashed my car into someone else's

2008-04-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Oh my god. I'm stupid. and Traffic Sucks.
I um was like on the phone on Friday and like stopped at a stop sign and like looked and apparently like missed the big silver car barreling down the one way street and um we smacked cars. Actually it is my opinion that I did stop and adequately look and that she was probably going hella fast, BUT my opinion is rendered invalid by the fact that I was on the phone regardless of the fact that I really and truly have no problem being on the damn phone when I'm driving. I can't prove that being on the phone doesn't impair me, and therefore, when the girl called a friend and bitched that I was on my "goddamn cellphone", there wasn't much I could say (not that I would think it wise to argue with someone who is angry about a car wreck).

So anyways, I'm fine. MY neck was sore and I wanted to do nothing but lie in bed and eat chocolate until i threw up on Saturday because I was rather freaked out, but Whitey wouldn't let me do that, so I made it through the weekend and it was all good. I'm still a little skiddish in the car, but I'm fairly calmed down unless there's someone else in there with me. Seeing Adam and Brandy on Friday and going out on saturday and going to see vermillion lies on sunday all helped cure the emotional owies.
OF course, so did the massive quantities of chocolate I've consumed in the last five days. I don't know how I'm going to unspoil myself-- desserts are tasty damnit!

Oh so back to the car... My neck is fine and the car is reparable and I have rented a car (out of my own pocket) so that Neither me or Whitey ends up being stranded when we need something.
Oh, I forgot the part about having to appear in court because Geico is a bunch of FAGGOTS and didn't send our proof of insurance, so I didn't have it to show to the nice officer (he really was nice) when he asked me for it.... #$#@%^^%#&!#@#$#$%@#

no, I don't care if you think this is a lame update

2008-04-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

read this 21

The new job?..... Hooooooooooooooooooooly Damn

2008-03-21T22:32:00.000-05:00

So let's see, the highlight of my first day on Wednesday was when two of my (gay male) coworkers started jokingly calling each other disparaging for females. "Bitch!" "Slut!" "whore!" "Hahaha, oh wait I shouldn't say that one because I might offend both of them" (me and another fairly new female co-worker). The highlight of the second day was when one of my co-workers (the same one who almost said whatever evil word it was he didn't want to offend me with) was carrying a mattress in and said to a client "I know what you're thinking and that's not it." To which the client replied "well, I heard you walk around with one of those strapped to your back."
I think this will be a hell of a lot of fun, and I have actually enjoyed every second of the insanity. I wonder if i should join the crowd and start cursing like a sailor, or I should enjoy the tap dance they try to do around me and see how long I can stretch that out for.

The only problem is going to be that once I start cursing, I will *still* have to censor myself to some degree because one of my favorite derogatory terms is faggot. In my house, everything's a faggot when I'm mad at it. If I called people or things faggots at work, this could be grossly misinterpreted. I, of course, mean nothing by it. I think it's hilarious that people have a problem with men who sleep with other men, which is why I think it's such a funny word.
What the fuck is with our societal hang up on words anyways. Word only have the power we give them. So, like, if we don't get offended by a word, it's not offensive.

anyways, that's the update on the new job. I totally think I am going to like it there.

TMBG in BHM

2008-03-10T07:58:00.000-05:00

I almost didn't make it to the they might be giants concert last night because I was feeling shitty. Boy am I glad that afternoon nap made me feel better because I would have missed the best version of Istanbul I've ever heard in any live performance or recording. The whole concert was great, but even if most of it had been horrible, it would have been worth it to sit through it to hear that version of Istanbul.

yum

2008-03-07T20:55:00.001-06:00

i forgot to mention that Tuesday there was peanut butter chocolate cheesecake consumed in celebration of the new job. YUM!!!!!

this is why his games get game of the year

2008-03-07T20:41:00.000-06:00

so, the setup is that Joystiq asked several game developers at GDC an obnoxious question based around the silly things adventure games make us do. The responses varied from actually trying things to "I'd turn off the computer"; And then there's this. Tim Schaeffer, creator of Psychonauts gave a thoroughly amazing and entertaining answer. You have to read this.

"No! I don't Accept This!"

2008-03-04T22:33:00.000-06:00

...Is the reaction I got when I turned in my two weeks notice and told my boss I was going to a new job. What I wanted to do was put on my best Cartman voice and say "screw you guys, I'm going home", but I was gracious and told them how much I would miss them and the babies (I definitely will) and answered questions for the next 10 minutes about why I was leaving and if there is anything they could have done better, etc.
I spent the rest of the day working up the nerve to tell people I was leaving. I actually have left jobs where only a handful of people knew I was leaving and all but one of them was staff (this was at another daycare). So, i decided it would be bad if that happened here. I didn't realize how many people would be really upset by it. know i work hard and i try to be nice, but i know i can be a little umm overwhelming or plain out obnoxious sometimes.
A couple of people when I said "i have news" said "you're pregnant?" to which i politely said no instead of going "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and proceeding to gag for the next ten minutes, which is what my true reaction really would be if I wasn't trying to be polite to all those lovely people in the building who have children.
I promise you that when i tell Tina (who used to work in my room with me), this is going to be her first reaction, even if she doesn't think it's true, just because she likes to see me get my feathers all ruffled. Actually, I love Tina and i have no concept of how I'm going to say this to her.
I will definitely miss my co-workers and my babies,
but seriously, fuck them, I'm going somewhere where I can act like an adult.

a good sign?

2008-03-03T21:21:00.000-06:00

I got home today and had 2 messages on grand central. from the place I interviewed. One at about 1 and one at about 5:20 (probably meaning she was trying to catch me on my lunch break and then after work). I kept my phone on and in my pocket all day, but that building is a Bermuda triangle for cell signals (and i spent most of my lunch indoors). Since she called grand central, I didn't know about the messages until i read my email because grand central messages are on a seperate system from verixon voice mail so the phone didn't pop up and go "HAY VO0 CHECK YOUR MESSAGES!!!!" when I walked outside. So, tonight I set grand central to text message me when I get a voicemail, so tomorrow, if I'm in the building when she calls it will go "HAY VO0, YOU HAVE A MESSAGE" when I walk out to take the kids to the playground or go to my car.

So I think these messages are a good sign, especially considering that she left her cell phone number for me in one of them (unfortunately, she did not answer her cell phone when I called at 7).
I'll let you know tomorrow. (I wish anyone in that building were awake functioning before 8... but they don't even get into work until 9)

hmm...

2008-02-29T06:55:00.001-06:00

still no word from the job i interviewed for. I'm a little annoyed but not surprised. Should I call monday, or wait until next wednesday or thursday?
The next question is about another interview. A place that i applied to like 2 or 3 weeks ago called wednesday and said "call by thursday at 5 pm if you want to interview". Then when I claled and left a message saying I wanted to and for them to leave me a time, she called back and said "well, the only time we have left is...." This annoys me and makes think i'm an afterthought. The issue with this is that we are past the time that I can ask for that day and time off, so I would have to essentially call in and say my car broke down or something. I don't necessarily mind this, but I don't think it's a good idea to keep doing things like this because 1. I have no desire to shaft my current employer (dhr has strict rules about how many teachers there have to be based on the number of children in the building) and 2. I have no desire to become unreliable enough that they want to fire me. I want to go when I'm ready. Obviously, I'll call and ask if they can change the interview to a time that works better for me. But if not, i'm not sure what I'll do.
It would really fucking help if the other place would tell me yes or no.

In other news...

2008-02-27T22:30:00.001-06:00

I called the prospective employer today and they said they should have a decision tomorrow or so.
Also, I don't know if i mentioned, but last Tuesday they fired the director at our daycare center, which left me very glad I had interviews. However, we had a meeting this Monday where the interim associate directors (formerly the interim assistant director and the administrative/financial person) emphasized that they wanted to be sure that we were getting the information we needed in a timely manner. This made us all feel much better because before we were the LAST to know everything, including things like mandatory trainings (i found out about one that was outside of work hours the morning of the training), and children being moved out of/into our room (kind of important).
So, hopefully I get the new job, but if I don't maybe the changes at work won't be such a bad thing.

My technology update is better than yours

2008-02-27T22:20:00.000-06:00

Like my friend, Bill, I am going to feature a technology today. I can promise you mine is cooler than anything he ever posted ever thought of being. Game controllers with the sensors on the boobies and crotch. That's right, it's an intimate touch video game. Seriously.

"'Intimate Controllers' is a platform where video games are played by couples touching each other. The platform consists of two controllers, a bra for the female player and boxer shorts for the male player. Each controller is embedded with 6 sensors placed with varying degrees of intimacy in relation to the body part with which they correspond. Players must pass game levels together and in doing so, game play results in increasingly intimate positioning."

teehee boobs and crotches and S-E-X. OMG!

hehehehe boobs.

yes, i'm sure, i don't want us to be parents

2008-02-25T22:27:00.000-06:00

recently i've been getting asked about having kids a lot and when i say i no and explain why i hear :but you guys owuld be great parents." Sure, we both are smarter than the average bear, and i was raised in a pre-school and a good portion of my college time was spent on child development, and i've worked in day cares, but I would be a terrible mom. There are only so many times i can be woken up by a screaming baby, told "go do it now" by a two year old, or listen to a 6 year old incessantly whining about how the girl in the class that they were best friends with yesterday said something about my kid's hair and now my kids hates her, before I fucking backhand them through a window. Interactions with children in daycare are time limited and they involve me getting money. Interactions with my own children never fucking end and I sure as fuck don't get any money in return for it. If I hate having a dog as much as i do solely because he interrupts my shit, then I don't see how me having a kid is an improvement on this.
For me, having a kid would be like leaving work and then coming home to a harder job. I would lose my mind within three months. And i don't mean the cute kind of "lose my mind" where i storm out and call a couple people fuckfaces and then walk back in an hour or a day later and everything is okay. I mean the kind where I throw something on a regular basis for a month or two and then end up in a psychiatric ward somewhere for something.
Contrary to popular belief, just because I can pretend to be mentally stable long enough to take care of other people's kids, doesn't mean I am.
Working in daycare or social services is extrememly stressful and the only way i can get through it is that I go home at night and listen to music that has nothing to do with children and watch shows about doctors who make buttsex jokes and go do whatever the hell I want with no detours or interruptions (save the dog). The thing you learn in jobs like this is that you can't "bring your work home" with you.
If I were a parent, the work would be fucking waiting for me.
BLeah.

hurry up and tell me im worthless already.

2008-02-25T20:56:00.000-06:00

i did not hear from the job. I am convinced this means they hired someone else and think I am the most worthless human they have evr met. Whitey says i should calm the fuck down and wait until lunch time wednesday and call them (they said they would get back to me this past friday or today). I think i'll die of high blood pressure or anticipationitis or something by then. Blah.

why yes, i was crossbred with a dragon

2008-02-23T18:37:00.000-06:00

I had my third interview at the aids outreach place and haven't heard back from them yet. They said I would hear Friday or Monday, and I didn't hear Friday, so I am now certain that they wioll not call me and that I am the worst interviewer in the world. I am now also certain that anyone who contradicts me on this point should be prepared to get their biscuits burned and their head eaten. Especially those who are loving and well intentioned.

Cross your fingers....

2008-02-18T23:34:00.000-06:00

The second interview with the AIDS outreach place went very well and the lady said she is going to recommend that the executive director interview me. She said she hopes they make me an offer. :)

update

2008-02-16T00:26:00.001-06:00

i feel compelled to update. I don't know why because it's only been a couple of days and there's not much to say, but I'll attempt to say something in my half-awake state. Then I need to go to bed.
Last weekend I cooked dinner for Chris as his Valentine's present. The piece de resistance was Molten lava cake sundaes. The "meltdown" or "lava" style cakes are ridiculously easy to make, and I personally think mine was as good as any you can get at a restaurant (good quality ingredients are the KEY in that recipe). Afterwards we watched a very well done french "romantic comedy" type movie called Love me if you dare. Actually, that description makes it sound really cheezy, and it's not. It's not an art film, but there was definite attention paid to the artistry and creativity, I wouldn't call it a comedy but it's very funny in some places, and I wouldn't call it a romance type movie, but it's definitely a love story, albeit a complicated one. I had never heard of this one before I picked it up from the library just based on the description on the box, but I'm glad I took a chance on it.
Whitey's Valentines present to me was to go out to the village tavern Wednesday. I had grilled tilapia with chardonnay butter sauce MMMMMMMMMMMM mmmmmmm. I love that place.

In other news, I have a second interview for a social services position at an aids outreach place on monday. How, I'm going to swing this, I don't know. I have time off from work to do it, but the interview is in the middle of the day. I am taking an extra long lunch that day for a "doctor's appointment". The difficulty is that I need to leave work in jeans and sneakers and return in jeans and sneakers, but somehow get into a suit and mary janes and look professional in the middle... not to mention fitting lunch in there somewhere.

in other news, the dog is still pooping.

That's all for now.

Why bother?

2008-02-11T22:38:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I have to write a letter explaining why I am good for a job, making sure to use interesting language and prefect grammar, update a resume' and check it for grammar, shop for the perfect suit, make sure said suit is not wrinkled, be sure to remove any jewelry that would be considered "too much", sit through an long interview during which I have to carefully choose every word I say and behave like the perfect employee, hand write a thank you note, and re-write said thank you note 1-3 times to even have a prayer of maybe getting a job that doesn't involve cleaning up poop or puke most days. It's not necessarily that I mind all this trouble, it's that once i get hired on, they will expect me to do everything just well enough and pretend that I know what I'm doing in the interest of time and quantity instead of letting me take the time to actually do things as thoroughly as I feel I should. Why should I have to give %250 to get the job when what they expect of me once I have it is 80% (or less, depending on the job) at a quick rate? What always happens is, they hire me, I'm too slow and not at all what they need for the job and they either end up firing me or doing work plans and training sessions and such to help me. If you're gonna make me work that hard to get the job in the firt place, then let me work that hard on the job. If you're only gonna expect 80% of me when I get on the job, then let a few typos in my resume' slide damnit.

join the BANDwagon (i'm clever)

2008-02-11T22:19:00.000-06:00

My friend Adam posted a thing about a "meme" to make your own fake band. I'm too lazy to explain it all, so just click the damn link already. Anyways, I was just going to look and see what the randomness would create for me and wasn't planning on posting about it or doing anything with it, but the combination I got was too good to pass up.

Btw, I should give
this guy the credit he is due for that incredible picture.

you showed me yours, i'll show you mine.... part deux

2008-01-31T19:01:00.000-06:00

since David shared some of his musical interests in his blog, I thought I might share a couple of mine.
The first one is two ton boa, who we saw opening for the Dresden dolls on jan 8th this year. Honestly, I never take much stock in an opening band, but thought maybe I'd give them at least half a listen when Amanda Palmer from the dolls felt the need to take time out of getting ready for the show and introduce them personally in her bathrobe. The band walked out on stage and this tiny 5'4" in heels girl walks out and grabs a bass and a mic. Whitey and I both think "how cute, a girl in a rock band." The tiny, cute girl proceeds to unleash a voice on us the likes of which I have never heard before. Combine the insane voice with a funky experimental rock sound, and you get the uhh... unique (for lack of a more descriptive word) sound that is two ton boa. Oh yeah, they use two bases a keyboard and drums... no guitar.

So next is The Dresden Dolls, who I've been in love with for like 4 years now. Honestly, it took a while at first for me to get into them because their music is very intense and odd. It's absolutely beautiful, but it's a very dark and complicated beauty. So, anyways, lest I ramble on and bore you with a thousand stories about how much I want to fuck the lead singer, lemme just embed the damn video.

Next is a group the SA goons turned us onto called Tilly and the Wall. It's offbeat mostly folk sounding music with some rock and ethnic influences... and oh yeah, the majority of the percussion is done by a tap dancer. I don't just like this one because I happen to be a tap dancer. I think their sound is amazing... the fact that it's done by a tap dancer makes it that much more amazing for me.

Next is Imogen Heap, who it's quite possible you've heard of, but she's still off a few people's radars, so I thought I give her some props here. Anyone who knows my musical taste will find it obvious why I like her (piano, a little electronic sound, and an unusual but gorgeous voice for those of you who don't know). I'm giving her a commercial vid because this is what i think of as her true sound. The live stuff you can find on you tube is great, too though, just a different sound.

Last but not least (at least until I decide I've forgotten someone else extraordinary) is the lovely miss Vienna Teng, who had a well paying job as a software engineer for sisco systems and then quit after 2 years to have a music career. If you go here, there's an archive of numerous live performances. It is actually listening here that I fell in love with Vienna's music. Those who know my musical tastes will again know exactly why I like her about 10 seconds into the video (good piano player, good voice, not completely traditional).

blah

2008-01-30T07:54:00.000-06:00

I am sick. I do not like this being sick.
I especially do not like this being sick and not getting better. I really especially do not like this being sick and not getting better when it involves waking up at 3 in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep. I really especially do not like this being sick and not getting better when it involves waking up at 3 in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep when I have no tell-tale signs that the doctor can latch onto such as a fever.
I do not like this being sick.

Revelations while watching a DVD

2008-01-20T20:07:00.000-06:00

So we were watching a Dresden Dolls DVD, and, per usual, Amanda was making all kinds of complicated grimaces while singing and playing on the piano. I saw her face, and said "I want to live there". However, I didn't mean it in the usual sense. She lives in a world of complicated, dark beauty where artistry reigns unchallenged and crazy is the law of the land. I want to just let my creativity and chaos run and see what happens. I want to live in a "world" where I can be me: dark, cynical, complicated and sparkly almost all the time. I want to know what I can do when I use everything I have and everything I am and don't accept anything less than 150%.
The real world has no time for 150% and doesn't understand people who strive for it above all things. It wants someone who can produce reasonable quality results as quickly as possible. It wants someone who will fill a mold.
I'm not that person, and, some days, I get tired of trying to be that person. I want to be me. I know most people just suck it up and live in the real world day to day and live in crazy-land as a hobby. I just want to know why I should strain and strive to be mediocre in a normal job and a normal life, when I could be amazing if I lived in a cave and worked on whatever idea came into my head--be it a dance, a song, a music video, a teaching curriculum, a form for an office, etc.
Yes, I sound like a whiny emo goth fag, and I won't deny it. I may sound like I want to be lazy and use being a whiny emo goth fag as an excuse to get out of doing any real work. This isn't true. I work really damn hard at everything I do. I want to be excellent at everything I do. However, this rarely works out because the task and I just don't fit. I would love to be able to say "Here I am and this is what I have, and if you don't like it, I don't care; I'm going back to my cave to make something else amazing." I just want to be able to say "here I am, and here's what I can do, and here's how I like to do it", and have someone say "wonderful!" instead of "okay, well that's not fast enough and we really don't like to do things that way and, by the way, do you have experience herding goats through the himalayas because we have to do that quite often here even though we're not goat herders and we live in the middle of Alabama."
I know that I can improve my skills and learn how to herd goats and stop being a perfectionist and stop being a whiny cunt when a co-worker points out a problem, but, all that aside, most days I would rather be a brilliant crazy person than a passable social worker who can herd goats.

Yeah, I definitely want to live there.

i am so awesome i should have a "best of"

2008-01-11T23:41:00.000-06:00

or rather, i realized i don't update often enough so I figured I'd update some of the newer viewers of the blog and remind you old faithful ones of some of my more brilliant literary works.
"random rant" from June 2005
"why i gave my ass to science from July 2005
my "guide to people who watch porn but are still virgins" from July 2005
my "guide for girls who read romance novels but are still virgins" from July 2005
"On Euphemisms" from july 2005
"jenga" from January 2006
"Everything I need to know I learned from my dog" from may 2006
"it's been 8 long years" from June 2006
"he knows if you've been bad or good", My 2006 Christmas letter to santa and his reply

I am no longer an atheist

2008-01-09T00:49:00.000-06:00

We just went to the Dresden dolls concert at Workplay. I think my only memory for the rest of my life will be of Amanda Palmer in thigh high bitch boots, a long pinstriped skirt, and a black lacy bra. Yep. she stripped off her shirt to do the encore songs. There is definitely a God.

crazy but good

2007-12-29T13:40:00.000-06:00

This week has been a little hectic. Chris had 3 migraines in the 5 days immediately after we got here, but now he has had 2.5 migraine free days in a row and he seems to be doing well. On the day after Christmas the dog decided to get so sick he couldn't keep down water. We rushed him to the vet and luckily the vet seemed to think he was healthy and probably just got overexcited due to the changes in scenery and diet. She gave us a little tummy medicine for him and he was better the next morning.
Despite all the insanity, we managed to get through christmas eve dinner, christmas breakfast, opening presents, seeing my family and seeing most of our friends. We got a great haul this year because our parents (especially his mom) spoiled us entirely too much. I can't possibly remember everything we got, but here are a few of the more notable things:
Tons of restaurant gift cards from my aunt
a nice blender from my aunt
a new George foreman grill from mother in law
Lots of kitchen things (pans, measures, etc.) from various sources (mostly my mother in law)
and umm... tons of other crap that I'm too lazy to go in the front room and look at.

I made it--there was a santa letter this year.

2007-12-25T14:58:00.000-06:00

There was indeed a non-depressing, non-pessimistic santa letter this year. It's not as classic as last years, but it wasn't bad, and it gave dear old santa enough to work with.

My letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
This year i need magic wands for the following things:
1. to make edgar allen poe appear so that i can always have someone to
help me say what i want to express. Writing this letter has been darn
near impossible, but I thought you would worry about me if i didn't
write a letter.
2. to make anyone below the age of 6 fall asleep instantly so that i
can finally get kids down for nap without gaining anymore grey hairs
3. to make allergies go away so my husband doesn't have to snore and
wake me up in the middle of the night. And maybe because I don't want
his throat to hurt all the time either.
4. To make the dog stay away from my hot dogs by giving him a little
magical shock if he ever goes near them again.
I also would like a nifty robot that takes the dog outside when it is
cold or rainy.
Give my husband and family anything they want. They have been better
than angels this year.
I hope your year is wonderful. I'll leave a gift certificate for a
massage next to your cookies this year. All that work has got to
leave a man stressed out.
--Hillary

Santa's Reply to me:
Hello Hillary and a Merry 2007 Christmas

I can understand needin some help with writing stuff, Lord knows I have a
problem with that also.
One of the elves thot that it would be a good idea to write an autobiography
but it went something like this.
First year on the job, get elve crews organized and make every toy
imaginable, get raindeer in training for the big one day trip, work like
crazy until Dec. 23. Work realy crazy on Dec 24. Take a loooong trip in a
sled packed with a lot of toys and stuff and make sure all the right stuff
gets to all the rite houses.
Get full of good cookies, hot chocolate and ohter goodies.
Go home and rest for 4 to 6 months.
Find out where all the elves went.
Get all elves back from Florida, Hawaii and Southern Califronia. Seems
packages weren't the only things getting off the sled during my trip to
deliver the presents.
Then repeat every year since then. NOT much of the makings of a book or a
poem !

But might be interestin to write about all the neat technolgy that we've
seen -- and the elves they now are real good usin the technology to findin
new "vacation" spots via the internet --
And using the blackberry to text message and write e-mails as the reindeer
and I are travelling from town to town.

and funny that Poe guy was one of ur dad's favrite authors - Before we
conjur his literary spirut there's some things you might want to know about
the other stuff he did beside writin. As I remember, ur dad was not all
that good with histry but I bet he remembers some of the things that Poe
did. I heard a story that Poe could jump farther than my lead reindeer !

As far as gettin kids to take a nap without causin more gray hair - look at
me , mine's white now ! Seems like it only took a year or so for that to
happen after I took this job --
Word is ur dad was one of the wurst for not sleepin and not lettin people
sleep when he was little so don't bother to ask HIM for advice on that one.

Allergies are not fun and I truly hope ur husband's can get better so he can
feel better and everyone can get some sleep.
I've got some elves that have reindeer allergies and some that say they are
allergic to snow (!) --- and that's the reason why they stow away and jump
out of the sled in Florida, Hawaii and Southern CA.

As far as the hot dogs go my dogs have informed me that the rules in the dog
world are:

If it gets close to the floor it could be mine - if I'm fast enough meaning
faster than anyone else around.
If it gets to the floor it's like a fumble in a football game - whoever gets
there first gets to try to keep it. The best way to keep it is to eat it
quickly. Gulping whole hot dogs is allowed and even preferred in these
situations.
If I get it I can try to keep it using other means including running and
hiding it somewhere -- in an obscure place where you might find it a few
months later when it looks like a biology experiment gone wrong.

To help on the hot dog avoidance training of ur really nice dog I do have
one elf that is quicker than greased ligtning taht I can loan you for a few
months.
This elf is so fast that our dogs don't even try any more. He'll probably
work pretty cheap just to get out of this cold weather for a few months.
Just a warning tho - he has a real soft spot for some kind of dog called a
labradoodle dog.

As far as something for taking the dog outside start watchin them late night
commercials on TV.

The elves have informed me that they know how to use the surplus of the
robot lawn mowers and vacuums to turn them into a totally different product
that may sweep the market soon(or so they think) AND it sounds like just
what your lookin for -so maybe there is a market after all.
The elves tell me that the basic model will walk the dog for you, the delux
model will walk the dog and clean up his mess. Optional accessories will
include things like GPS tracking via the internet so yu can tell the
location of the robot and your dog.

I'll do the best I can for all the saints out there this year !!!

The cookies sound good and I'm not really sure about this massage thing -
Usually Mrs. Claus and several of the reindeer walk up down my back after
the long trip and it seems to put me bak into shape quikly - that and a
couple of nips from the bottle that a guy up in Tennessee leaves for me
every year and I'm ready to go again !

Santa

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T21:30:00.000-06:00

Hope you have a wonderful day.
*pixie dust*

i don't know if there will be a santa letter this year

2007-12-23T22:31:00.001-06:00

As some of you may already know from last year's Christmas blog post, I still write letters to santa (generally emails now) and dad writes me back as santa claus. Every year, I have a hard time coming up with something, but somehow I always manage to come up with something silly or, if I'm lucky, downright hilarious. This year, I don't know if it will happen. Right now if I wrote a letter to Santa, it would go something like this:

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can help me, but this is what I really and truly want this year:

Please give my daddy a gold medal and a million dollars for being such a trooper this year. He woke up at 5 am on a Saturday, went in to work, left work at 10:00 to go shopping with me for three hours and then went straight back to work until about 5 or 6 pm at which point he went home and immediately fell asleep. He got up early, ended up working late and left work as soon as I called him because he knows how important it is to me to go shopping for my mother's Christmas presents every year. I got my daddy time with no trouble, no objections, and no hidden "work is more important" messages. Seriously, give him a fucking medal.

For my mommy, I want something to make her pain go away, something to make her understand that everything will be okay eventually even if it's frustrating right now, and some way for her to communicate with someone everything that's really going on. She already had to give up dance for the rest of this year (and she only went for a couple of months last year. I know she's a worry wart, and I know that her hip pain and her shoulders and her sleep problems and her newly found diagnosis of osteoperosis have probably caused her to start worrying that she'll have to give up teaching, and volunteering and everything else. I know that she's probably worried that she'll be in pain until she dies and at this point, she's just wondering what the hell else is going to go wrong. She's never told me this, but I inherited my way of thinking from her so I know she's probably keeping this and a few other things from me and everyone else just to spare us all and to keep from breaking down into tears in front of every person she talks to. Mind meld with her or something and figure out what she needs so you can give it to her. It sucks to see her sad and frustrated all the time and not be able to do anything about it.

For my husband and I, we just want to not lose a job or have to move or have something else screw up our plan of getting a house, which have been trying to do since right after we got married. The dog needs a yard to run in, I need a space to dance in, and we all need a place where all of our things don't either sit in boxes or get boxed up every 2-10 months.

I know this is a lot to ask but I really need your help. And, yes I really do believe in you even though I'm 30 years old. I know god isn't real, so I have to have something to hold on to.

--Hillary

...yeah.
I don't think that's exactly the message that I should send mommy and daddy on Christmas

Unbelievable conversation at work:

2007-12-13T20:24:00.000-06:00

Cast of characters:
me - duh
Ramona- Coworker in the infant room. She's been there since before I have and we used to close together every day for a couple of months.
Lindsey- new coworker who's been there about six weeks. She teaches music and usually works with the threes and fours but is occasionally seen in just about every room in the center.

me: Hi Ramona, I got your candles in the gift drawing. thank you. Hi (i turn and wave at Lindsey)
Ramona: You're welcome
Lindsey: Hillary you are so sweet.
Me: Lindsey, You have the prettiest smile I've ever seen.
Lindsey: Let's leave our husbands and run away together. We can live in Idaho where you can spend all day dancing in the park and then I can sing you to sleep every night.
Me: I'll pack tonight.

...Okay so, that was how the conversation went somewhere in the multiverse.
Maybe in this dimension it went something more like:

me: Hi Ramona, I got your candles in the gift drawing. thank you. Hi (i turn and wave at Lindsey)
Ramona: What a coincidence! I got the ornament you brought! Wow!
Me: Oh wow. yeah.
Ramona: Do the candles smell pretty?
Me: Oh yeah, thank you! Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Have a good night.
Ramona: O.K. bye
Lindsey: Bye

What America Needs is a Grinch

2007-12-11T18:35:00.000-06:00

We've all seen or heard "How the Grinch stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss. The Grinch gets mad at the who's and takes away their stuff and then learns the real meaning of Christmas when the who's gather together and sing and are happy regardless of their lack of stuff.
We need a Grinch. Christmas has become about rioting and shoving people out of the way to get the newest toy for your kid or yourself. If there was no stuff to shove someone over, maybe we could remember why it is that Christmas is so cool. For some, it's a baby in a manger, for others its an epic battle and for others, it's time spent with family.

Christmas is not about the presents. Maybe someone should steal all our shit and we'll remember that. But more likely we'd all grab the nearest blunt object and some torches and go find the bastard and hang him from the nearest tree by his genitals and then fight over the re-distribution of stuff. *sigh*

I'm not sure why it is that people get so obsessed with "MY KID has to have the best toys" or "MY HUSBAND has to have the expensive digital whooziemawhatzit that he'll never learn how to use anyways." Gifts are about giving something that shows that you thought about the person and that you cared enough to try to get them something good. This year if someone handed me the expensive shoes I asked for and said, "I had to beat up three old ladies to get these, but they're yours", I would be highly disappointed and would probably try to find an old lady to give them to. (although if it's an imac, all bets are off. sorry, old ladies ;) ) If you got me a gift that involved hurting someone else, you weren't thinking of me when you got it. If you get someone a gift at all costs, it's not really a good gift (unless they're a pushy asshole who would have done the same thing themselves). A good gift involves the spirit of the giving as much as it does the actual object.

I guess this is what Christmas comes down to for me is the "spirit" (not in a religious sense). I guess that it's just not about that for everyone, but I wish one Christmas something would happen so that we could all give that a try just once. Next year people could go back to beating up children to get to popular toys if they wanted, but I am willing to bet that at least a few people would remember the year before and opt for cheerful giving and spending time with others.

so... welcome brandy, i guess.

2007-12-07T00:01:00.000-06:00

Last weekend Chris and I hung out with our friends Adam and Brandy. It was fun. This post is not about the fun. My posts are never about the fun ;). Anyways, the subject of blogs came up and Adam tried to explain my blog to Brandy. First he made a big awkard face and then said "um" when asked what I usually wrote about. He said something about it generally being when I was pissed off and that the blog was entertaining. His facial expression leads me to believe that Brandy's head is going to explode when she starts reading my blog, but I hate it when my friends don't know the real me. And reading the archives and posts here is about the best way for anyone to know what i'm really all about behind the butterflies and pink santa hats. So, um, welcome brandy, and I hope you don't disown me after this.

this weekend i found out i liked...

2007-12-03T23:36:00.000-06:00

to follow suit with
Richard's blog entry:
This weekend I found out that I like
Gingerbread bagels from Panera and the name "Lyra".
We went to Panera with Adam and brandy before going to see a sneak preview of "The Golden Compass". The main character's name in "compass" is "Lyra".
Yep. That's all.

You showed me yours, so i'll show you mine... whether you want to see it or not

2007-11-18T22:08:00.000-06:00

Since David posted his wish list, I figured I would post ours, just because.
so here it is.

I also figured I would be a self-important ass per usual and post my own gift giving guide as if there aren't enough out there already.

Vo0's Gift Guide

For the boys: The Dangerous Book for Boys. This book has everything a curious boy could ever want to know from paper airplane designs to stock cars to things involving fun scientific reactions. Having looked through it myself, I say it's good for "boys" of any age.

For the girlie girls:
Lush "Secret Santa" bath gift pack. Lush makes hand made bath products using as many natural and organic ingredients as possible. I have not personally bought anything from them, but I know a few people who are hooked on their products, including a guy who I would never suspect of liking froofy bath products over good old dial and suave.

For the Cunt who likes to cook:
I like you by Amy Sedaris. This is an honest to god guideline for hosting parties with real recipes, but it's odd and really funny by virture of the fact that Amy Sedaris wrote it. I thoroughly enjoyed looking through this one in the cushy chairs at the book store.

For the chocoholic:
See's Candies King Tut Truffle Assortment or custom mix. My mother-in-law has gotten me sees numerous times. I even finished off most of a box that my husband bought me for valentines about 10 days after I had started on weight watcher's.

For the Wino:
A wine from Castel Grisch Winery in Watkins Glen New York--yes, the Watkins Glen where they race the cars. On my wine tour, I came across many fabulous wines, but theirs stood out to me as being something almost anyone would like. I would recommend the Seneca Dream Red, which you can get in nifty seasonal packaging if you ask for the "winter's dream red." If your favorite Wino prefers white, I would definitely recommend the Seneca Dream White, which you can also get in nifty seasonal packaging by ordering the (you guessed it) "winter's dream white".

For foodies with unusual tastes:

Sees pecan pie truffles. I haven't tried these personally, but they sound perfect for someone who doesn't like run of the mill candy.
Dagoba Xocolatl. This dark chocolate bar with chilies added in is truly delicious and mindbogglingly different. Having tasted it I can tell you that this is for someone who appreciates very dark chocolate and is used to eating it in small doses. This is definitely not for the foodie who prefers to down a whole chocolate bar in one sitting.
Huckleberry Cordials. These are exactly what the name implies--cordials with a huckleberry in the center instead of a cherry. In case you're wondering what a huckleberry is, it's a somewhat tart berry that grows in the mountains. I've tasted these chocolates and they're very good, as cordials go. I'm personally not a big fan of cordials, but I intentionally ate more on a few occasions.
Huckleberry Vinaigrette. Again, exactly what the name implies. I haven't actually had this particular huckleberry vinaigrette, but I had other types in the restaurants in Idaho all the time and loved them. This was the only salad dressing I ordered in Idaho, assuming the restaurant had it.
Huckleberry flavored coffee. I've never personally had it, but my dad made some that we had gotten as a part of a gift basket when he visited one time. It smelled incredible and Dad liked it.

For the young teen:
Stardust by Neil Gaiman--The graphic novel version with artwork by Charles Vess. This is a fairytale in the truest sense of the word, but it's not juvenile. Actually, adults who are into sci-fi/fantasy books would love this too. As a matter of fact, I got this for Christmas last year and it was one of my favorite presents. oh, I forgot to mention the artwork. There are gorgeous watercolors interwoven throughout the story text and they really bring the book to life.

For the Fragrance/Candle Lover:
Klassic Candles--spice cake flavor. Made in Alexandria, Alabama. The smell is warm and spicy and sweet and utterly divine. For a cooler scent try the midnight dream.

For the Geek:
DIY Drinking Strawz. Straws that you can put together yourself in any weird or wonderful configuration your mind can imagine. The set comes with 20 connectors and 16 straw pieces.

For the Gadget Lover:
USB Memory Watch. A watch that can hold top secret files? I'm so in!

For kids/families:
Matilda (DVD). It's hard not to love this movie regardless of age. It's geared toward kids and very child-appropriate, but the first time I saw this movie, I was like 18 and my husband and I routinely watch this when it comes on even though I'm 30 and he's 32 (well, almost).

Hopefully that has given those of you who are stuck some ideas. If you want ideas for someone who's not in the guide, email me or post it in comments, and I'll be glad to help.

2nd best birthday ever...

2007-11-10T19:11:00.000-06:00

...Because my husband would kill me if I said that anything was better than the trip we took to Spokane on my birthday two years ago to see Henry Rollins.

I am currently in upstate new york with my mother and her family. We went on a wine tour in the Senaca lake area and stopped at like 7 vineyards. Some of them had some fabulous stuff that I really enjoyed. Most of you know how much I make faces at wine, and I ended up with four bottles of wine, some lovely chocolates and some jelly. If I drank wine more, I would probably would have ended up with a case or close to a case full of assorted wines.
My birthday isn't technically until Monday, but they made me spice cake cupcakes from great gram's recipe and served them on the limo bus. It's quite an experience to have a bus of 20 people all sing happy birthday to you. It's also quite an experience to be on a bus with 20 people you don't know and be too shy to say anything. It's fabulous when you realize that they have noticed you being quiet and shy and they're just letting you enjoy yourself as you. There were no forced social interactions, and no one seemed to care if I wanted to sit there and just listen to everyone else, but they listened to me talk when I actually felt like I had something to add.

And actually, I must give a huge kudos to my husband for my birthday present as it turned out be extraordinarily useful on the trip-- Lots of money. Every winery had a small fee for tasting, which I gleefully paid because I knew I had enough money. I even paid for a couple of extra tastings and bought 3 bottles of wine and some jelly, which my aunt is going to ship to me. OH--I also got some chocolate at one of the wineries. yum.

quick update

2007-11-06T05:51:00.000-06:00

I have about a thousand things to do this morning, so this will actually be short, but I realized that I haven't updated since the beginning of June and it is now November.
I still work at a daycare. I'm full time now and I work with the older toddlers instead of the infants (thank god). The dog is still the dog and he tried to pick up a frog yesterday (maybe whitey will post more about that). I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make and buy things for Christmas, which kind of sucks, but is kind of cool since it means I will probably be done in two more paychecks. Chris actually seems to enjoy his job, which is a first in a long time.

The only big thing going on is that I am going to upstate New York to go on a wine tour with my family. I leave Friday, the tour is Saturday, we're having a baby shower for my cousin's wife on Sunday, and I come home Monday. The fun thing is that I didn't ahve to pay for a bit of it, as this is my birthday present from my mom (it's about $60/person and she used frequent flyer miles for my airline tickets). My birthday is monday and I am hoping to get lots of cool things, and lots of cake, but not nearly as much as I ate at David's birthday party (ouch).
So yeah, that's my story and i'm... you know the rest

Another thing I meant to post about a long time ago

2007-08-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

My dog is seriously something else. Every dog I've ever had (okay there were only 2 before this one) disliked the vets, tried to jump off the table, contorted and jumped and even tried to bite the people clipping their nails. Oreo required a couple of vet assistants to hold her down and among those couple HAD to be Betty. If Betty wasn't there to help, you could hang it up.
My dog is a pistol. In some ways he waaayy more of a pistol than Oreo ever thought of being. He competes with me for pack position all the time, he practically pulls me over when I'm walking him on the leash and he gets excited and he runs away if he's off the leash and doesn't like what I'm saying. When he goes to the vets, I have to drag him through the doorway (As with any new doorway), and THEN, he wags his tail when the assistants come in, lets the vet check his ears, tummy feet, etc. with little to no objection and behaves like an absolute angel except some slight hesitation when I hand the leash over to someone else. This last time he even let the vet assistant trim his nails while he was laying on the floor.
He never ceases to amaze me.

"it's a pretty shoulder!"

2007-06-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

Waaaaay back on april 20th, I went to workplay to see the lovely and talented Ms. Vienna Teng. For those of you who don't know her, she is a pianist, singer and songwriter who's music sounds like it is influenced by classical styles, tori amos, and sarah mclaughlan, among others. She considers herself to be "chamber folk" music.
I heard a song on of hers called "1 bedroom 1 bath" on XM Radio and thought it sounded like something I might like. So, I looked her up on Amazon and loved all the 30 second samples, but it never went further than that. Until... I saw in Black and White that she was going to be here at Workplay, which is one of my favorite venues because it's small and somewhat intimate, and if you get a good seat, you can sit literally 15 feet away from the musician. So, I was curious about going, but not convinced since I had only ever heard about 30 seconds of her songs. I asked around and someone pointed me to internet archive, which has lots of live performances from different artists. It took about 5 minutes for me to fall madly in love and I practically begged my husband to give me $15 and say it was okay for me to go despite that he was feeling under the weather that day.
It was an incredible show. I am so glad I went and I will totally go any time that little lady plays at Workplay.

So, that huge, long, rambling info was all to talk about something that happened during the show. Vienna's real piano was off to one side and tilted on an angle. She had an electric piano in the front of the stage as well. At one point in the middle of the show she came up to the electric piano and said, "I always try to do one or two songs up here on the electric because the people on the side are stuck looking at my shoulder all night..." and someone yelled out "It's a pretty shoulder!"

This makes me wonder what it would be like to be her. She is up on stage in front of lots of people who are watching everything about her. They notice her voice, her facial expressions, her technique on the piano, her clothes, whether or not her toenails are painted and make judgments on all of these things. I can promise you that at least one person made a judgment on whether or not she has a pretty shoulder, quite possibly before it was yelled out from the audience. That's a lot of pressure. If I constantly heard that I had "pretty shoulders", "nice toenails", "great hands", etc. it would do two things after I got over the initial warm fuzzies: 1. It would make me very paranoid knowing that everyone was constantly watching and judging every little aspect of me. 2. I would feel that it would be hard for me to judge the reality of any situation.

A person can't possibly always have pretty toenails, sexy shoulders, perfect pitch, great rhythm and be wonderfully cheery. Yet, there will always be someone around to tell Vienna, and other musicians (and actors and directors and...) that she has pretty shoulders and her voice never fails.

To further aggravate this situation, she also has critics. There are some people who will never like anything about her no matter what she does. Someone will always comment that her lyrics are trite, her style is old fashioned, she's a rip-off, she's an asshole because she dares touch the electric piano instead of only using the baby grand--you get the point.

...And we wonder why musicians go crazy at the end of their careers and write awful crap that they seem to think is brilliant and then start asking for camels at 3:30 am and just seem to live on another planet altogether.
Luckily, Vienna doesn't seem like she's started joining prince world yet, and she seems down to earth enough that maybe she can avoid it. I'll cross my fingers.