i keep debating. Some part of me wants to go back to birmingham because of certain familiarities: I would get michelle my dance teacher, back, I would get Jen, my pilates teacher, back, I would be near family, I would get to shop in downtown homewood again, I would get to see leap of faith again, My friends would be able to make excuses for not coming over to my face again ;), and the big one: I have two kids growing up without me. Keep in mind, I have no children and will never have children and don't want children. But verm's kids are kind of like a neice and a nephew to me, so it feels funky to know that if we do what I'm planning on doing (staying the fuck away from the south for the rest of my life), Those kids will pretty much never see me again. Which means, the baby won't even know who I am. This of course, doesn't really matter from the standpoint of the baby or the baby's family because it's not like the kid will be like "i miss auntie voo" because the last time 'auntie voo' was around was when he was 10 months old. Verm's daughter, caitlyn is kind of different because we've known each other for years now, but she's resilient and she manages fine without me now, so it's not like it's a huge deal for her never to see me.
It's funny how I kind of say "friends? well, sure i'd like to see them, but they live elsewhere, so screw it" but then get all teary eyed at kids who could care less. Of course, friends are different because they're all our age, so they have the ability to move somewhere that doesn't suck. The kiddos don't. Not that they would choose to if they had a choice, but I think the fact that our friends choose where they live affects my perspective. Not to mention, I think I always have delusions of grandeur about what I can offer kids and how important I am in their lives... whereas with my friends, the focus is on what they can offer me moreso than the other way around... And if they can't offer me a place to live that doesn't suck the life out of me, then... bleh I'll guess I'll see them another time ;)
In other news, I am currently over my "fuck working" phase. I guess I just kind of realized that everything wasn't as horrible as it felt as far as the moving situation goes. The other thing I realized is how important the work I do is. I taught someone what is possibly going to be one of the more important things in their life last thursday. I taught a client how to walk from their dwelling to a park that is a 7 minute walk away. It seems so simple, but this could be absolutely huge for someone who doesn't get out unless someone takes them out. There goes the sense of overimportance again ;) Eh, how could I do the work I do if I didn't think I was good?
Also in other news, I have been on weight watchers for 8 weeks and have lost 13-15 punds in that time. YAY!
Also Also in other news, how the hell do you promote a website and actually get sales off of it? I have re-vamped my site, etc. and it looks sharp as all hell and i've updated my pricing, materials, etc. but no bites so far even though i'm using ad strategies that worked for other people with similar businesses...
Also in other Also news I should go also to bed also.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
the side effects of moving...
the fact that we are moving is causing a few problems with me. I'm getting very lazy and very cocky. I don't want to do anything and i really don't give a damn that I should want to do these things. I am often about two breaths away from telling work to fuck off because it just feels pointless to work hard on any of my cases right now. I really try to shake this feeling and suck it up and do a good job, but i just can't. Why fucking bother to go through alot of trouble and work if I am just going to leave anyways. I'm the same way about everything now. Including dr's visits, which is a bad thing. I have a vital prescription running out as we speak and i haven't done shit about it because i just can't bring myself to think of it as important since we're just fucking moving anyways. And, yes, in case you were wondering, i did have a terrible day and I am in a shitty mood, but knowing i'm moving puts me in a wierd, lazy cynical mood almost every day so this is just a slight step down. After reading what i've written i feel like i should call someone an asshole for saying something about my shitty poetry or mention that I had a ham sandwich for lunch or mention havin athlete's foot or something. This entry is completely the type of thing people make fun of when they make fun of blogs, but fuck you all, i'm moving anyways.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
I've been doing alot of training at my job due to some things that I managed to do incorrectly. The trainer and I have been discussing the concept of me picking a criteria for myself and then letting the job work around it (okay, so that's not totally what she meant, but it's how I interpreted it). So, the question is, now that I am going to have to move somewhere, what's the criteria for the type of job i would like to have?
Things that are mandatory:
An agency that serves the mental health population or possibly does children&families work
being appreciated you for who I am
Welcomes the use of the different strengths and weaknesses of the workers
Does not expect me to fit a mold
Does not expect me to do things outside of my qualifications
Does not expect me to get 200 hours worth of stuff done in 40 hours
No Micromanaging supervisors, program directors, etc
No agencies where I would feel like my religion is an issue
Does not discourage the use of overtime if it's necessary
Supportive, knowledgable supervisors
Either limited on call time or Limited amount of calls during on call time
Agencies where they tell it like it is and do not fail to mention something for fear of causing conflicts, etc. (I can't tell you how much easier my life as a social worker would have been if someone simply pointed out to me that i need to hold my shoulders back, make eye contact and chit chat more YEARS ago)
Things that would be nice:
Being able to determine my own hours
Only expects me to get 40-55 hours worth of work done in 40 hours
Not too much paperwork
Pays for training, testing, etc.
Allows me to come up with ideas for the agency and persue them.
Minimal or no on-call time
NOT HAVING TO ASSESS PEOPLE FOR SUICIDE
Things that are mandatory:
An agency that serves the mental health population or possibly does children&families work
being appreciated you for who I am
Welcomes the use of the different strengths and weaknesses of the workers
Does not expect me to fit a mold
Does not expect me to do things outside of my qualifications
Does not expect me to get 200 hours worth of stuff done in 40 hours
No Micromanaging supervisors, program directors, etc
No agencies where I would feel like my religion is an issue
Does not discourage the use of overtime if it's necessary
Supportive, knowledgable supervisors
Either limited on call time or Limited amount of calls during on call time
Agencies where they tell it like it is and do not fail to mention something for fear of causing conflicts, etc. (I can't tell you how much easier my life as a social worker would have been if someone simply pointed out to me that i need to hold my shoulders back, make eye contact and chit chat more YEARS ago)
Things that would be nice:
Being able to determine my own hours
Only expects me to get 40-55 hours worth of work done in 40 hours
Not too much paperwork
Pays for training, testing, etc.
Allows me to come up with ideas for the agency and persue them.
Minimal or no on-call time
NOT HAVING TO ASSESS PEOPLE FOR SUICIDE
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
On the moving debate
Since our little moving debate has become somewhat public, I thought I'd post my thoughts here.
My husband is miserable here, and I definitely don't want that. He seems to be happy with the idea of moving back to alabama and I have really been thinking about this. I would love to go back to my old dance classes and my pilates teacher and all the cute little local businesses in homewood and crestwood and hoover, etc. However, What I keep coming back to is this: I don't want to work in alabama again. Why? First and foremost, I don't want to leave this job because it is an incredible match for my skills and temprament. Second, if I have to leave this job, I would prefer not to work somewhere where there is no such thing as a non-christian agency and very few non-christian anythings.
There are lots of Christians up here, but I feel like everyone pretty much keeps thier nose out of your business unless you put it there. In alabama, I feel like I have to pretend to be Christian unless I want alot of wierd looks and questioning of my mental stability. This also ties into the general attitude difference between the two places. I just danced in my underwear in front of the entire populace of sandpoint in a show where everyone performed in their underwear or sang about their underwear or thier body parts or something otherwise lewd and funny. More than likely, such a show would not exist in the south. If it did, there's a good possiblity there'd be protesters. Also if it did, I would not ask my employer if I could be in it or even acklowledge that I knew anything about it because if I did, I would get alot of strange looks and quite possibly people would start questioning whether or not I was the type of person who needed to be working with clients.
I just want to live somewhere where it's okay to be me. I'm willing to sacrifice alot at least on a temporary basis to be somewhere where I can be comfortable with being myself. I'm also willing to sacrifice alot to be able to have a job where they appreciate me for me and don't just constantly ask "WHY DON'T YOU FIT OUR MOLD?!?!?!" a thousand times a day in various forms. Finding a place that has a mix of those two things is going to be difficult. It's also very difficult to figure out what's what unless you live somewhere and work there for a couple of months.
At this point, I'm kind of like "damnded if i know what to do" because there is only one birmingham and chris wants to be somewhere alot like birmingham. I've looked at some other cities and it's damn difficult to find the right mix of factors for both of us. The more I think about it, the more I'm like "fuck it, let's just go back there since it's the only place that meets Chris' Criteria." I just don't get a good gut feeling about working there again.
If there's one thing I've learned to trust in making judgements, it's my gut. You may think, I'm crazy, but your gut is the thing that gets you through almost everything in social work. The LCSW who's training me told me how to assess suicide by saying "I ask them thier plan, etc., I spend about a half hour with them, and then if at the end of the half hour, I will be able to go home and sleep, I go home. If not, they go to the hospital." If I can use my gut to assess whether or not someone is going to be alive in the morning, then why not for where not to move?
It's not that I don't love my friends and family and that I wouldn't absolutely love to go back to my dance class. It's jsut that, I'm not as invested in being near them as Chris is if they're going to live in a place where I would feel stifled and out of place.
All this speculation leads me to speculation of what it would take for me to move and be happy. One thing that I keep coming up with is the ability to sit in the house and do nothing/work on the jewelry business until I find a job that suits me correctly (or forever...). The problem with this is that I have no money saved up because i spent it all on beads and clothes and christmas presents. I have no grounds to say "hey, uh, why don't you support me in a place where we definitely need 2 full-time incomes and that has an unkown job stability while I doodle around the house and figure out what I want to do when I grow up" without being able to add "Here's three months rent, and I will take care of the phone bill and groceries".
Of course, there's also the usual junk like regular dance/nia/pilates/whatever classes, availability of craft shows, a good bead store, etc. However, most of that stuff can be dealt with one way or another by me.
The only other big thing is the whole political/religious/general attitude climate, which is something there's absolutely nothing I can do to change.
I'm just kind of rambling and musing in circles at this point, Do I should stop.
Anyways, that's where I'm at on the whole moving debate.
My husband is miserable here, and I definitely don't want that. He seems to be happy with the idea of moving back to alabama and I have really been thinking about this. I would love to go back to my old dance classes and my pilates teacher and all the cute little local businesses in homewood and crestwood and hoover, etc. However, What I keep coming back to is this: I don't want to work in alabama again. Why? First and foremost, I don't want to leave this job because it is an incredible match for my skills and temprament. Second, if I have to leave this job, I would prefer not to work somewhere where there is no such thing as a non-christian agency and very few non-christian anythings.
There are lots of Christians up here, but I feel like everyone pretty much keeps thier nose out of your business unless you put it there. In alabama, I feel like I have to pretend to be Christian unless I want alot of wierd looks and questioning of my mental stability. This also ties into the general attitude difference between the two places. I just danced in my underwear in front of the entire populace of sandpoint in a show where everyone performed in their underwear or sang about their underwear or thier body parts or something otherwise lewd and funny. More than likely, such a show would not exist in the south. If it did, there's a good possiblity there'd be protesters. Also if it did, I would not ask my employer if I could be in it or even acklowledge that I knew anything about it because if I did, I would get alot of strange looks and quite possibly people would start questioning whether or not I was the type of person who needed to be working with clients.
I just want to live somewhere where it's okay to be me. I'm willing to sacrifice alot at least on a temporary basis to be somewhere where I can be comfortable with being myself. I'm also willing to sacrifice alot to be able to have a job where they appreciate me for me and don't just constantly ask "WHY DON'T YOU FIT OUR MOLD?!?!?!" a thousand times a day in various forms. Finding a place that has a mix of those two things is going to be difficult. It's also very difficult to figure out what's what unless you live somewhere and work there for a couple of months.
At this point, I'm kind of like "damnded if i know what to do" because there is only one birmingham and chris wants to be somewhere alot like birmingham. I've looked at some other cities and it's damn difficult to find the right mix of factors for both of us. The more I think about it, the more I'm like "fuck it, let's just go back there since it's the only place that meets Chris' Criteria." I just don't get a good gut feeling about working there again.
If there's one thing I've learned to trust in making judgements, it's my gut. You may think, I'm crazy, but your gut is the thing that gets you through almost everything in social work. The LCSW who's training me told me how to assess suicide by saying "I ask them thier plan, etc., I spend about a half hour with them, and then if at the end of the half hour, I will be able to go home and sleep, I go home. If not, they go to the hospital." If I can use my gut to assess whether or not someone is going to be alive in the morning, then why not for where not to move?
It's not that I don't love my friends and family and that I wouldn't absolutely love to go back to my dance class. It's jsut that, I'm not as invested in being near them as Chris is if they're going to live in a place where I would feel stifled and out of place.
All this speculation leads me to speculation of what it would take for me to move and be happy. One thing that I keep coming up with is the ability to sit in the house and do nothing/work on the jewelry business until I find a job that suits me correctly (or forever...). The problem with this is that I have no money saved up because i spent it all on beads and clothes and christmas presents. I have no grounds to say "hey, uh, why don't you support me in a place where we definitely need 2 full-time incomes and that has an unkown job stability while I doodle around the house and figure out what I want to do when I grow up" without being able to add "Here's three months rent, and I will take care of the phone bill and groceries".
Of course, there's also the usual junk like regular dance/nia/pilates/whatever classes, availability of craft shows, a good bead store, etc. However, most of that stuff can be dealt with one way or another by me.
The only other big thing is the whole political/religious/general attitude climate, which is something there's absolutely nothing I can do to change.
I'm just kind of rambling and musing in circles at this point, Do I should stop.
Anyways, that's where I'm at on the whole moving debate.
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